Just reconciled with abusive husband. Why did he come back?

Question

I have been with my verbally abusive husband for 8 years. We love eachother but he has a very verbally abusive mouth & temper. I have been going to counseling but he doesn't think he needs it. He doesn't hit me but he says very mean things about me when he's mad. We have 2 children together and he'll do this even in front of them. He's a great guy otherwise. I just wish tat he could change. We were seperated for 2 months and decided to give it another try. He's been back for 2 weeks and has not slept in the bed with me, he's on the couch. Also, his clothes are still in his truck. He's not being mean, just distant. Also, he stayed over his parents house during this and they hate me and feed him a bunch of garbage that I think has him confused. He needs to put us first but I think their opinions matter to him also. Mind you we are in our early 30's. I'm just wondering why he came back if he's going to be so distant. Did I make the right choice? What can I do to make things right?

Answer 1

He came back because you allowed it. He's got a place to stay, and I promise you, the verbal abuse will start again. You need to get away from him, not just for yourself, but for your children. If he talks down to you in front of them, they will learn that it's okay to do that to you and other people, and they will grow up not respecting you because you would never stand up for yourself. You need to think about what's best for them right now, and being with him is NOT it.

Answer 2

I don't mean to sound mean and if I do let me apologize 1st and foremost. You have 2 children this mans speaks to you as if you are trash in front of them and now you have taken him back and he won't even sleep in the same bed with you. You should be asking yourself not why did he come back but what the hell am I doing taking him back. Being married and having children doesn't mean you have to be this guys trash bin. You can't have any self-esteem because children or not no one deserves to be treated and talked to like a dog. God didn't plan that for your life and I hope you know that. You are a beautiful child of God and thats how you should be treated with respect and love and kindness. It's a shame so many women feel that they need to stay in a marriage the promotes abruse for the kids sake when all they are doing is hurting the children worse. Get out and stay out. If he did it once he will do it again. Its just a matter of time and if he believes what his parents say about you instead of sitting down talking with you about it, then you don't need that either let him go back to his parents til he can grow up and be a man. His parents may have put him out and he just needs somewhere to say. Let him go and leave him alone. God bless you.

Answer 3

Tell me, why would you even take an abusive man back if he has not sought out help for his anger issues? This is a bad move to take him back! What about what the kid's are exposed too? Do remember this, kid's DON'T forget & may later resent you as well as their father. I hope taking him back was not a choice you made for the sake of the kid's. Kid's adjust well & will learn how to live without momma & daddy being together. This whole this is very unhealthy for ALL involved. You really need to take a long look at the choice you have made by taking him back. Why would you even wonder what you have to do to make things right? He is the one that needs to make things right, not you honey!! I have been in this situation before & because of my kid's, asked him to leave & planned to file for a divorce when he dedcided that suicide was the way to deal with the situation. But ya know what, I don't mean to sound cold, but now my kid's are in deed well adjusted & do finally have a chance at a normal life. You as a mother have an obligation to the mental well being of your children. Good luck & take care.

Mary

Answer 4

Oh I don't think that you are stupid who are we to judge? I mean really who has a blue print to a relationship. Only the two people involved. Meaning he knows why he is there he knows he has a problem. But, sadly so do you. Your problem is not being able to keep your word to him and yourself. You don't need a man of eight years that you think know you better than anybody else to make you happy. I mean you know he knows how to push your buttons. And if he loves you so much why would he keep on tearing you down. I think that you should choose yourself first for a change and by choosing yourself you will be choosing your children too. Men can only do as much as we allow them too. It would be sad for that verbal abuse to turn physical in the blink of an eye. It can happen, and your children wont have a mommy or daddy. Think about it. God be with you.

Answer 5

The question you should be asking yourself isn't why he came back but why you let him return! 8 years in an abusive relationship with several attempts at correcting the situation, with no positive results, and your still with him?
Sometimes a woman becomes addicted to abusive treatment because she feels somehow that she deserves being treated that way. Is there something in your life that may cause you to feel this way?
You are young and really don't deserve this type of treatment. Do you not value yourself and your children? Do you want his loser attitude to infiltrate the lives of you kids and have them grow up just like daddy? You are causing yourself and your children an overwhelming amount of stress and humiliation. Do yourself a favor and analyze what has happened up to now and try to give yourself a better life.
I wish you the best of luck. Rey

Answer 6

OMG!!! Think about your kids. Do they really need to see their mom being abused by their dad? What about you? Do you really want a guy that is confused about the fact of whether he wants you, or not. If you think that it is his parents are to blame for his confusion then, you are sorely mistaken. He wouldn't be so confused if he was sure. Nobody would be able to convince him otherwise. I wonder how long it will take him to be bored with verbally abusing you and move on to something more. If he is doing it in front of the kids he seems, to me, that he is already pretty comfortable with his actions and with being cruel to you. I'll tell you why he came back...he's lazy and he found someone who will put up with his crap. He also came back because he knew that you would take him back.

No, you did not make the right choice.
The only way that you can make this right is by leaving him, for good.

Answer 7

The only way to make things right is if your husband recognizes he has a problem and gets help for it. At any rate, your first priority are your children. If he is verbally abusive in front of them, this can't be a good environment for them. I don't know why he came back. My guess is he still loves his family but until he gets a hold of his issues and attempt to work on it himself, nothing will change.

Answer 8

Wow!... continue going to counseling and pray all you can for him because he obviously needs healing. Your children will eventually need to go to counseling too because they are going to be changed by the behavior they are witnessing between the two of you.

I feel that as a stipulation to him coming back you should let him know that you need him to support you in going to counseling sessions. Marriage is a beautiful thing... but when you have someone making you miserable 24/7... that's not condusive to producing stability in the home, or your mental well being. Lets face it... you can be miserable all by yourself you don't need his help.

There's some definite changes that need to happen. His mother/family... need to stay out of YOUR family affairs. He needs to stop being fed negativity about you or anything dealing with "HIS" home because that does not help your marriage it will only hinder it/split it apart. Does he understand the concept of LEAVE & CLEAVE... meaning, when you get married mommy and daddy and everyone else take a back seat to you... matter of fact forget the back seat... they shouldn't even be in the car with ya'll. You should be his first priority. Your children shouldn't even be his first priority ahead of you. That's how important the wife is suppose to be in the home and to her husband. He obviously doesn't know that or has not learned that.

You have no power on your own to change your husbands behavior (with the exception of praying earnestly for him) therefore, you will need to ask God to give you the strength and fortitude to continue praying that he receive deliverance from his issues (anger management and that harsh and destructive tongue). There is a very helpful book called "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie O'Maritan... read it and I'm sure you'll not only learn a lot but it will help you to grow stronger in faith and knowing that God can and will answer the prayers you make on your husbands behalf..... TRUST!

Answer 9

If you have kids and since he isn't hitting you....To me you made the right choice. When or if he says something mean to you put it back to him.
Maybe the reason he is so distant is because he is trying t change his ways and he is taking it slow so he doesn't fall back into the same old ways. Just give him room. I wouldn't worry just yet. He maybe going thur a big change and is taking time to think and work things out in his head. You don't need to do anything to make anything right. You weren't the fault of anything. Just be you and act like you did before and let things fall into place.2 weeks isn't a real long time. Just give it time.
☺
It looks like to me reading these other answers that people sure do give up easy on a marriage.....We are talking about verbal abuse. Why can't woman open their mouths and put it right back to him....If my hubby said something mean to me I'd cuss him out and go on about my business.. Wow what a shock!!!

Answer 10

I'm just wondering why you let him come back?
Verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. Your children seeing and hearing this will grow up to think that is a perfectly acceptable way to act. An abuser hardly ever changes.
Get out while you are still young enough to get a decent job and life. I can't understand women who would rather be in this kind of relationship than on her own.