I have moved out with two teenaged boys. The biggest reason is that I found a brown envelope loaded with notes about me. Everytime I would piss him off he would write it down, date it and file it away in a locked toolbox. He would call me names in these notes such as I have no logic or common sense, stupid *****, can't manage the fridge so how would she manage the visa card. Not responsible enough to have a visa card ( I am 36 yrs old and been with him for 22 yrs, 12 yrs married on Sunday). So I have said that I want to go to counscelling and he is all for it and willing to pay for his and mine. Which is hard to believe since he is such a tight *** with $. What I want to know is how to tell him that I want to work this out but I can't ever go back to that life again. The Trust issue is gone for me. He verbally, emotionally and mentally abused me for years and then stopped that and began writing all of it down.
The teen sons don't want to go back and live as a family either.
2006-09-01 08:31:36 · 21 answers · asked by teulonbranchlibrary 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He says he loves me lots and writes down this crap about me. Then when I ask him if theres something going on he lies and says nothings going on. "Your paranoid" I got my love back for him, and now he is doing this. He doesn't treat the boys well either. Oldest has a fear of him when he gets mad, and youngest doesn't like the way he is treated. He is a controlling person and b/c we don't live w/ him now he is calling all the time. I put up with it but I don't want to spend half the day on phone with him.I am told that I look much happier and have a glow. I think that I made the right decision even if it was snooping, its not something I do at all its just he was guarding the toolbox and hiding the key and acting out of character. I could hear him in the mid of night finding paper and making notes. Therefore I wouldn't sleep and became a basket case. I am wondering if he has a split personality or mentally ill for writing these notes. How can you really love someone&write notes?
2006-09-01 08:58:08 · update #1
That credit card is in MY name only. We have separate bank accounts
2006-09-01 09:34:28 · update #2
If you really don't trust him, don't go back. You can not have a marraige without trust. don't even try it. You'll just end up bitter and resentful.
2006-09-01 08:35:48 · answer #1 · answered by Sarah H 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you should go to counseling and work on it too. It is important that he understand you will not be putting up with his old ways and even though writing down his opinions is better than shouting them at you, they are still hurtful. If he feels so negatively about you, what is it that he does like about you. What do you do right in his eyes? You should ask him to answer those questions. Look we all feel anger and resentment towards our spouses at sometime or another, but we love them and there are good things about them that out weigh the bad. Just ask them what they are. If he can't tell you then he has some serious problems and nothing will ever make him happy.
2006-09-01 09:01:08 · answer #2 · answered by Diana G 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Mental and verbal abuse? What are you waiting for, his fists? What about your children, don't they see this going on?
You said it; 'the (you mean my) teen boys don't want to go back and live as a family either.' This is about control period. THAT MAN WAS ABUSED AS A CHILD!
You are 36 and have been with this man for 22 years so you've been together since you were 12.
That is what's was wrong with this picture in the first place. Are you from a culture that sanctions this type of relationship? I don't get it. But, "whatever floats your boat."
2006-09-01 08:49:23 · answer #3 · answered by Notorious 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The problem is, do you love him and your life with him or have you 'moved on'? If he is not abusing you but writing down his feelings in a private locked box, are you feeling that he doesnt love you anymore? Maybe talk to him about what you found and how it is making you feel about your relationship. And yes you will have to explain why your were snooping around in his private locked box. Then and only then can you work on your marriage together. I think the counseling is a good idea, as long as you go into it with the hopes of saving your marriage, if not, it's a waste of your time and energy.
I wish you inner peace!
2006-09-01 08:55:41 · answer #4 · answered by chunkydunk 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First off: Katie stop posting this stupid question in the answers. If you want help, write a question and post it.
I say if you can get him to go to counseling then go. You bring it up to him there. That is the easiest way to bring it. In front of the therapist. that way the therapist can help ease the situation or redirect questions. If you are not happy get out. You need to do what is right for you and your boys. There is no excuse for abuse. Him writing the things down is still a form of abuse, you just didn't know about it. At least he isn't hitting you and yelling at you anymore. But he obviously needs help. talk it out in counseling.
Good Luck
2006-09-01 08:38:51 · answer #5 · answered by Highroller 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i don't think of fixing your husband with intercourse toys is the respond. in keeping with risk in simple terms changing your husband is the terrific determination. there is genuinely some thing happening right here it is inflicting your husband to not have intercourse with you for a 365 days! Are you particular he's not seeing prostitutes? Bi-sexual./gay? addicted to porn and so now not grew to become on with the help of "everyday" intercourse? Having an affair? i've got not got faith in having affairs once you or the different guy or woman is married. Your husband denying you intercourse and intimacy are grounds for a divorce. i think of break up in the previous you have infants and your terrific years are at the back of you hoping he will sometime want you. it fairly is in simple terms not a real marriage if a guy or woman won't be able to or won't participate interior the actual element of the relationship. it fairly is obtrusive he does not prefer to help in making issues extra suited.
2016-11-23 17:56:45 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
maybe writing down his feelings and locking them away was his way of dealing with his emotions and maybe it's not the best thing to do, but it's a lot better than holding them inside.
Nowadays people can't even say how they feel anymore cuz dear Lord... they're "abusing" someone.
I think he's entitled to vent his anger his own way as long as it is not a way for him to hold grudges.
And let me tell you something about guys, when they say something, its usually true, so maybe you should think a little bit about the your abusing him emotionally by spending and getting in credit card debt. So you don't trust him anymore, but you think he needs to trust you with all the things that you would do to make him angry? I'm not saying that he is right to be angry about everything, but if you do things that bother him (like spending irresponsibly, and who knows what else) these things are real issues for him just like what he says to you is an issue to you.
2006-09-01 09:22:52 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
alright.. i deleted what i wrote...
you need to leave. I don't know why your asking becuase your cheating on him anyways. It doesn't matter if you have't had sex with him yet, you've done it emotionally. I suggest, doing family counceling, to help ... correct and strength the relationship between your husband and your boys. And It would be good if you were all getting along.
I would leave the relationship.. becuase you've already started you just never finished. And it will never be the same if you try to go back. Just make sure he doesn't turn into a "stalker" ex.
and wait for the new dude, if you like.. or spend time with yourself.. and find your balance. so you won't "have to" have a man, it would just be a nice bonus.
2006-09-01 08:54:52 · answer #8 · answered by cougardame 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Why not try counseling first? I'm a firm believer of not leaving until I've exhausted all means to make my marriage work. He's writing all of these down to prevent himself from saying it to your face. Try and work it out with the counselor first and see what happens from there. If nothing ever changes then you can make a decision.
2006-09-01 08:39:41 · answer #9 · answered by cheetah7 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
"He verbally, emotionally and mentally abused me for years..."
Why would you want to go back to that even for one minute?
Once an abuser, always an abuser. All his notes are just another form of abuse. He's not going to change into the man you deserve. File for divorce since he won't consider counseling, not like getting help would change him. He is who he is, and there is nothing on this planet that will change that.
Your sons have the right idea. Don't go back to this slime and give him another chance to rule your life and put you down.
2006-09-01 08:40:12 · answer #10 · answered by welches_grape_jelly 6 · 0⤊ 2⤋
You do that through the counselling, that in fact is the point of the counselling. You certainly don't move back in until you have attended couselling for quite some time and the counsellor is convinced that he won't fall back in to his same habits. If he has agreed to participate and pay and you want to use it as your means of making it clear to him that this doesn't work.
2006-09-01 08:36:24 · answer #11 · answered by dappersmom 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋