Should I forgive my husband?

Question

My husband and I have been married for 16 years and just recently I found out that he was meeting girls at the mall or stores and getting there phone numbers and calling them.. He ended up taking one out to lunch --well he took her out to lunch about 4 or 5 times. Then he met another one and took her out to lunch too.
He tells me that all he did was take them to lunch-no physical contact. I was very hurt by this- Our marriage has not been perfect but I did'nt think he would do this. He feels really bad to where he seems to have some kind of depression. We have talked and even cried about all of this. We have two beautiful children that we love very much.


help

highenergy

Answer 1

We here really can't answer this for you this is something only you can figure out which sucks I know but you have to follow your heart not ours.

However I can give you some things to consider. Make a list of why and why you should not fogive him (yes yes yes I know it sounds childish to make a list but trust me it works.)

Why you should forgive him

- You have been married for so long with kids it would be hard to break that up now
- He seems extremely upset over it which hopefully is an indication he won't do it again
- He did nothing more then take them to lunch which though is very strange it is not as bad as some.

Why you should NOT forgive him

- He risked your marriage for what?
- Is he really going to stop and not do it again?

Lastly ask yourself some important questions.

A) Why did he do it in the first place? (is there something missing that you could maybe help him find?)
B) Do you still feel love for him after this?
C) Could you be happy with either leaving him or forgiving him? Which one could you be happiest with?
D) If you do love him as is wife is there anything you can do to help him?

I hope this helps

Answer 2

I have been married for over 25 years, I didn't think my husband would go out on me ever, well, he did not only take those woman to lunch, he gave them even travel tickets, jewelry and more. When I found out, I though it was the end of the world. We talk, we cried and I forgave him, for the sake of our love and mostly for our children.

I know how much it hurts, but I also think that that's one of the odds a marriage goes through at least ones in a lifetime.

He got very scared by the thought he was loosing me, so, he started being a good husband again, for a few years anyway, he did it again, the same story all over again.

Again I forgave him, and as far as I know, he's doing OK, I am just taking it one day at the time. But I told him this: 3 strikes and you are out buddy.

Middle age crisis? I guess so.

If he's suffering, so much, I will say is time to forgive, just make it clear though, you don't trust him anymore and he would have to work hard to gain your trust back.

May God Bless you and your family. You are a great woman, don't change.

Answer 3

Just lunch? How can you believe that when he lied to you about everything else?

This has to be so so hard for you because you put your faith and trust in him and now you probably feel alone and always second guessing what he's doing. If he wasn't honest about this, then he's probably not going to be honest about WHY he's doing these things and WHAT motivated him to do it. If he's depressed now, then it's probably because he's unable to face whatever he has going on inside of him and doesn't have the backbone or respect for his family to recognize that there's a part of him that is selfish and greedy.

He left you when he did those things and emotionally detached. As much as it probably kills you and slices your heart in two, it's probably time that you begun to say goodbye and do what's best for you and your children. Others have suggested counseling, but I've found that counseling doesn't give people the skills or the motivation to change, only the coping and understanding of the issue so that people can put it behind them with a clear conscience, only for the problem to come up again later in more ugly ways.

Good luck.

Answer 4

It is my experience that for every 1 truth you find there are several lies you don't know about. Is he sorry for his actions or just that he was caught? If he didn't come clean about meeting other women (if someone else told you or if you somehow found out a different way) then how do you know he's being completely honest? Once trust is broken the offender has to do everything they can to earn it back.... it's not a 'I won't do it again' thing. You should forgive him if he is willing to do right and put you and the children first. I don't know your whole situation and I'm not trying to say he's still lying. Just take it day by day, but always be on your guard.

Answer 5

First lets be clear, he cheated physical contact or not (and if you believe he's dating women but not sleeping with women you need to wake up). If he loved you very much he would have spent that time 'dating' YOU not them! Unless you have a really screwed up definition of love...I know this wouldn't fit mine. Cheating is anything you wouldn't do with your partner right beside you (if its not right you wouldn't do it with them looking) and/or anything that it wouldn't be ok with you if your partner was doing it (don't expect anyone to put up with anything that you wouldn't put up with yourself). He didn't invite you and I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be ok with him if you dated other men so he cheated.

So now that we have established that he HAS cheated....the first thing to do in a situation like this is realize there is a pattern to the healing process, first there is a lot of anger, second there may be a period when you have sex with your partner a lot in order to 'stake your claim' or win your partner back, then the real affects of what has happened set in and thats when you know whether it is something you can deal with or not. So you give yourself time and make no big decision until you get to that leveled out place where you know whats its really done to you.I didn't realize this and made mistakes and big decisions while still going through this process and they turned out to be the wrong decisions. I feel that if I had known about this pattern I could have seen things more clearly.

As far as continuing the relationship or not you first need to determine whether or not getting over it is something you should do. I saw 7 things that can help you determine this:

Is it an isolated incident or a pattern of behavior? (including past relationships, even if its the first time he cheated on you has he cheated on other gf's) For you its a pattern, he did it more than once AND with more than one woman.

Does he own it (take full blame) or does he make excuses for why it happened? He's claiming 'no physical contact' and trying to downplay the situation...he isn't taking blame he is making excuses.

Does he REALLY grasp the damage he's done to you and your relationship or does he just pay it lip service? Doesn't sound like it to me.

Is he sorry for the choice he made or sorry that he got caught?

Is he willing to do what it takes to clean up the mess he made, whatever it takes and however long it takes? or does he want to deny it and move on with you relationship?

Is it out of character for him or is he insenstive about other things too? (respects your feelings, treats you with dignity, etc)

Is it a legacy or a new behavior? did he grow up in a family where this happened? if its what he learned thats a big clue.

Once you've gone through these and IF you determine that the answers all favor a successful relationship (and you have a few negative factors in your answers) then you take it one day a at a time, if its a history or a pattern you leave and realize that it is the idea of the relationship that you 'love' and not the reality, surely you don't define being loved as someone that devestates you emotionally and doesn't care that he did. You have a lot of thinking to do, but don't worry it WILL get better and you will be ok! Good luck to you and do NOT let him try to sweep this under the rug because he claims there was no physical contact. If I was you I would demand the numbers of those women and ask them what went on..they have nothing at stake here and are far more likely to tell the truth.

Don't forget the lies he told...where did he tell you he was cause I'm pretty sure he didn't say honey I'm going to the mall to pick up women, can I bring you anything? He KNEW where he was going when he said whatever he said..he stood there and lied to your face. Remember that when you consider whether or not to believe the rest of his excuses.

Answer 6

i think he should have thoguth you and the children too. every women feel sad and broken in this situation, and he doesnt need to have perfect intelligence to guess them. obviously, he didnt mind your feelings and trusted that you can not finish the marriage. i really annoyed when i thought like that.. i am sorry. if i were you, i wouldnt feel in secure and happy, so i would fisnih the marriage or relationship. "i feel bad, we have problems, we dont have a perfect marriage, so i will find consolation at other women" isnt something i can accept. he said there wasnt a physical contact--> what did he expect to hear ? "you are sooo generous ! thank you !" ??????? he is married with you, he is your husband, of course he shoudnt share any physical contact with other women. it is not a reward, it is a commitment between two people. once the glass is broken, it never become strong again.
he gave his time and energy to other women, for lunch or somethign else. he didnt give these to you or your children. in other words, he stole time and energy and care from you and your children. why stay with him ?
you dont need him, you need love and care as much as everybody. the children is out of the subject, it must be him who should have explained the reasons of his behaviours to the children. if he didnt make a serious mistake, you wouldnt mind it.
dont worry for children, the most important thing for them is growing up in healthy athmosphere. best wishes..

Answer 7

Of course you should forgive him. But forgiving him doesn't mean there's not a serious question about where this relationship is going.

Forgive him because it's best for you at an emotional and spiritual level, and it's the only chance for the relationship. Holding on to anger or resentment will guarantee that the relationship will fail, and that you will experience continued pain.

Of course we're all shooting in the dark here with little information, but I'd give him the benefit of doubt for now and start talking. My guess is that this is an opportunity for him to finish growing up. It sounds like he has been caught indulging some immature fantasies. He needs to cross that last bridge between childhood and the adult world where he can realize satisfaction and fulfillment from being the best husband and father he can be.

I think the best thing for you to do is set the example by approaching this in a very mature way--concerned but open-minded. I'd also recommend against solutions that reinforce his connection to being childlike--restrictions on his behavior or demonstrations of proof will only serve to make your relationship more like a parent/child one instead of two adults working toward a common goal.

Good luck--I hope you two work it out. It sounds like there's still a foundation to build on here.

Answer 8

well he is either very sorry or upset that he was found out. It's up to you if you can forgive him and move on. It will take a lot of work on your part as well as his. Can you ever trust him again? That in itself will take a long time , is it worth it? These are all things you have to figure out. Don't think cause you have kids that you should stay. Sometimes the children are more hurt by you staying in an abusive relationship whether it's physical, mental or emotional.

Answer 9

I feel sorry for you. About three years ago, my husband was e-mailing a girl he met in college (we've been married 10 years, he is back in college to get his 4yr degree). In the e-mails he was saying how pretty she was and that if he weren't married, he would sweep her off of her feet. In one, he asked her to lunch... Supposedly from both of them, it did not make it that far. She was younger than me and I am sure more physically attractive, since I have birthed his child. Needless to say, we had issues over the whole thing.... I made in squirm... you at least need to do that. Make him think you are undecided about what to do. But I can't stress enough, if you are going to forgive him, this can't be brought up at every fight or whenever he leaves the house, you can't question him. If you want it to work, it is important that once it's been discussed and he has agreed not to do it ever again and you have expressed your feelings, then let it be!!!! Good Luck!! Since me and my husband went through it, I never have to wonder where he is but I DO think he could potentially slip up and do soemthing along those lines again, but I keep those thoughts to myself.

Answer 10

Is he feeling badly and depressed because he got caught. He should of never started doing that in the first place. If he was unhappy he could of talked to you about it. It is one thing if he met this women he was attracted to by accident and you two were having problems and he took her out to lunch but he went into the mall and was trying to meet up with these women. Don't fall into his depression act he thinks this way you will feel sorry for him. He should of known better.