My fiance's ex wife uses their kids to get back at him when he doesn't "play by her rules."?

Question

She is manipulative and lies constantly, anything to get her way. He's a good person & father who has been constantly trampled on by her. She cannot communicate with him without starting an argument. What advise can you give me to help him through all of this and deal with her?

Answer 1

That's an X...I have one of those.

Answer 2

The worst thing you can do is let her get to you. That's what she wants. Bring in a third party like a judge or mediator where it concerns the kids. They have no history with her and won't be manipulated by her button pushing. Putting everything invloving the kids down in writing through a third party is also a way to head off arguments.

Last of all, be supportive of your fiance, while staying in the background on this issue. You being right in the middle of it will just give his ex ammunition and incentive to create trouble and could make the situation worse for him and the kids.

Answer 3

Been there.

A couple things. You need to support your fiance. Just listen to him and try to stay out of it when he is communicating with his ex. I am not saying your the problem I am just saying I have been there and the other person in the middle does not work You support him and listen to him and if he ask advise give loving reassuring help.

He needs to keep is lips tight and focus on his kids. She goes off the wall let her and don't fight back. Don't ever talk about her when he has the kids unless it is something nice. As time goes on things will change as his ex will be not getting the reaction she wants.

He and you should be thinking and acting like the adults and not allowing her to piss you and him off.

It is not going to get great ever but the kids will be happy and you and your fiance will only focus on them and yourselves when together.

Can you do anything about lies and Manipulative. No. It isn't worth it and it would just cost a lot of money and nothing will change.

Being civil and not showing her that she is pissing you to off would be the best action against her.

Answer 4

you know people will tell you to stay out of its that I'm sorry is impossible I feel like ringing peoples neck every time I am told that. My husbands ex is the same way and if she is doing it now she will always do it. She will whine and moan and use the kids agianst him then she will take him for all the money he has, and if she hasnt done it already turn the kids on you \. My advice if you cant take it now there is nothing you can ever do, you'll either be arguing forever or you will break up. I love my husband but sometimes after I am so exhausted from dealing with her crap I wish I would have ran the other way!

Answer 5

She does that because she can. He's too nice. Try these. Have him find a neutral place to pick up the kids, like his parent's house. She drops the kids off at 2, he scoops them at 3. If she calls with an attitude, sit the phone down and walk away til you hear that the yelling stopped and say "are you done now? how can I help you?" See sweetie, the more calm and quiet you and your fiance get with her, the less she'll be able to argue because she'll have no one to argue with. No matter what she says or does-DO NOT FEED INTO IT! If after a month or so, you don't see improvement, have a lawyer intervene. A lawyer may be able to get a judge to sanction her alimony for bad behavior, have the child support go into a trust that she can't touch until she decides it's not about her. I've been where you are. If I can help more, please let me know. I hope this helps too. Much Luck to you!!!

Answer 6

I was in the same situation up until just recently the only difference is hes my Husband and that burns her up I just asked almost the same question you asked not long ago ok prepare yourself because this may be a little long first of all when she calls and you answer the phone kill her with kindness and by the way if you wasnt in the picture she would be just fine shes bitter and she needs to get a life but guess what hes going to get tired of her and do exactly what my husband did recently shes using the kids against him because thats the only thing that keeps him around her are the kids but she needs to remember he divorced her and not his kids,back to what I was saying Husband had been going through the same thing he provides all of his sons needs and more she calls and rudely tells him that she needs 1000. for school clothes and we had just brought everything he needed for school and when she told my husband what she wanted and she has two other kids my husband hit the ceiling I have never seen that side of him and now when she calls she respects our house and she isnt the rude B**ch that she has been however I dont think shes learned anything Im just waiting to see bottom line he has to stop jumping through hoops for her and put down his foot FIRMLY and let her know hes his own man and hes moved on but he still loves and will provide for his children and take time out to spend with them on his terms and if she doesnt agree then oh well.SHES JUST BEING VINDICTIVE

Answer 7

Been there, done that. My husbands ex was like that. We were all young and stupid at the time. When you marry a guy with kids and an ex, you have to live with it. We never ever let her come between us. We used her stupid selfishness against her, we were a team, we united as one against her. She realized after a couple of years, she was never going to tear us apart. She will eventually find someone else and get over it. 16 years later, we are better than ever.
She was my stepsons' mother so we usually let her make the decisions, a lot we didn't agree with, but what more could I do I was not his mother.
Now his ex is very pleasant with us now.

9 more months of child support, whoopee : )

Answer 8

My mom used to do the same thing with my brother and I. We were her weapon in getting more money out of dad.
It worked for a lone time. She used to have us call him at 10:00pm, knowing he had to work the next day, and beg him for more money (outside of the support he already gave). We would be in tears and he would say no at first and then eventually give in because he couldn't stand to cause us anymore pain. Whne we became teenagers, we were finally able to understand enough to tell our dad that no matter what happens or how much we get upset, don't give in! We understand. Sometimes he did and sometimes he didn't, but he always discussed with us what was happening and why he did what he did.

Please, please talk to the kids and ensure them that no matter what happens, their dad loves them. That is so important. I don't know if they're old enough to understand, and by no means do you want to try to turn them against their mother. But your husband needs to stand up for what's right. Perhaps it is something that can be solved with a mediator, I don't know...anyone who would use their kids isn't rational enough to handle it like an adult anyway.

Hang in there...and always be open and honest with the kids. No matter how young they are, they understand what's happening, and they'll know the truth once they're old enough to put 2 and 2 together.

By the way, my mom only stopped calling to bug my dad after he got remarried (and we kids were on our own) and his new wife got on the phone and said, "His money is MY money now...stop calling my husband."

Answer 9

Unfortunatly that is something that happens when most people divorce. My ex told the kids awful things about me even after i left him for being bipolar and scizophrenic and he didnt see them for over a yr or pay child support for 2 yrs. I always answered my kids honestly when they asked me questions about what he said and was sure to never say a bad thing about him. they were 2 & 7 and now thier 7 & 11 and they respect me so much more then him and they tell me everything he says or does. i have won their confidence this way. Kids hate to be put in the middle so if at least one parent isnt playing that game it makes it a little easier. its hard (so hard) to keep your mouth shut but thats why you confide in friends and your mate about what an a*shole he is.

Answer 10

no offense but you "dealing with her" should be mostly staying out of it. obviously you will have to be cordial to her only when it is necessary. this is a definite downfall of being with someone who has kids with someone else. you said fiance so i am assuming that you are planning on making this a permanent situation with you and your fiance which means you will be in the kids lives too. my advice would be to sit down with your husband and his ex and the three of you handle yourselves like adults.... talk about what is best for the kids, it is definitely not the lying and manipulating that you talked about. your husband and his ex need to have a decent relationship if only for the kids sakes, they are whats important. good luck.

Answer 11

2 sides to every story...what is your fiance doing to set her off? I thought i could trust my ex-husband. I divorced him for many big issues we could not resolve, one of which was alcoholism, and lying. We were not intimate since aug 2005 before the div in 2/06. He kept on and on that he wanted to get back together and be a family again, he said we would wait until his lease was up in a year then maybe we could move back together. We were intimate in july only after long and serious thought on my part, because i though he really wanted to work things out, in time. He kept coming to my job to eat with me and visit me on my breaks, he kept callng me many x a day on the cell. he called me his WIFE, not his ex, and even introduced me to a friend as his WIFE. Less than 6 days later, he had a girlfriend in his apt!!! Wouldn't you be FURIOUS? He could have told me he gave up, accepted the divorce, and left me alone too...it would have been fine with me!. I wanted to keep things peaceful between us for our girl's sake, and thought he did too. But now i see it was a little revenge game on his part, he never calls or answers his cell to see how our daughter is, and he always takes his gf with them on visitation and has our daughter calling her "mama". And I am sure his gf or fiance or whatever she is at the moment will experience some of his games someday. I am also sure she does NOT know the ex's side of the story. my only serious overriding concern and fear is for our daughter esp when she is with them, i don't know if this gf is a child molester , criminal, or what. Since he refuses to communicate, I am going back to court.