Why do I feel this way?

Question

I have recently been feeling like I need to be harsh, tough, not in good moods all the time. I am married with two young boys.I have been having problems with my husband because he thinks that I am cold, like he says that he needs to be loved more.We have been through a lot, because we were seperated for almost one year, because things had gotten real bad. I dated this other guy while being seperated for eight months, and this has been hard for my husband to accept. But, I do not know, ever since we got back together I started feeling akward, cold with myself and others,frustrated,like I cannot forget what I did and just feel like I need to be regreting it all the time. It hurts to me that I had sexual relationships with another person while being seperated from the man that I am with now again.I know that what's in the past if gone, but I do not know what is happening to myself, I have lost pride, confidence, trust, and feel like I do not love myself.

Answer 1

I had a read through your previous questions, and I am of the opinion that you perhaps made a mistake reuniting with your partner. I don’t know what caused you to split up in the first place, but I suspect that you are heading in the same direction again.

I will tell you straight out that you should not feel guilty about the affair you had after you and your husband separated. It’s a matter of fact, I wouldn’t be in the least bit surprised if he was getting a bit on the side as well, but is not being honest enough to admit it. It is easier for him to make you feel guilty, rather than accept some of his own guilt.

Irrespective of whether he did have someone else or not, the fact remains that you were separated, and were fully within your rights to try to have a relationship with someone else!!!

You mentioned in an earlier question that your husband works until midnight, and expects you to be up for him when he gets home. I suppose he also expects you to wait on him hand and foot, and have it off with him when he gets home as well.

In a question you asked four days ago, you mentioned that you work full time, from 9:00-5:00 Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday; and that you were looking for extra work so that you could earn some extra money for yourself. In the same question, you mentioned that you just want to be doing something that can help you feel useful, and that you would like for yourself to gain confidence and gain extra money. You went on to say that your husband works two jobs.

I am sort of left wondering how you and your husband even get the chance to see each other, let alone do anything else.

I don’t know what your family’s financial situation is like.
Is it imperative for your husband to be working two jobs?

It just seems to me that you need to be making more time for yourselves to be together so that you can enjoy and appreciate each other’s company. By that, I am not talking about when he gets home from work at midnight.

I guess you both need to look at how your relationship is now, and compare it to how things were when you split up. If you can’t see a big improvement from the way things were before, then chances are that you are heading for break up number two. The question then is, whether all the money you are making is worth the cost of your marriage???

How often do you get to do stuff as a family?
How is the relationship affecting the kids?
Surely, you feeling that “you need to be harsh, tough, not in good moods all the time” can’t be the most pleasant of environments for your children to be growing up in.

Your children are the innocent party in your relationship.
Perhaps it is time that you decided what is best for them, rather than what is best for you and your husband.
If your relationship with your husband is detrimental to the happiness and wellbeing of your children, then perhaps break up number two, might be in their best interest.

You mentioned in a previous question that you felt your husband was being selfish.
Perhaps you both are!!!
Sort it out, for the sake of those beautiful children of yours!!!

Answer 2

It sounds like you are holding a lot of guilt from this past decision you made.

It is not only hard for him to accept but I did not hear/read you acknowledge that it is going to be and has been hard for you to accept as well.

You two are adults and came to an agreement that you would patch things up. That is a start. The rest is time and perhaps a mentor for the both of you, maybe a counselor to help iron out some of the wrinkles (so to speak)..that you two may have trouble addressing. Sometimes it is helpful to have a professional outsider to help guide these feelings left over from this kind of stuff. Good luck.

Answer 3

You may still have feelings for this other man. If not then you need to talk to your husband about your problems. You shouldn't hate yourself because you tryed to move on with your life. You may also still be harboring harsh feelings towards your husband for what has happened in the past. We can always forgive but it's hard to forget when someone wrongs us. Work it out with your husband. He needs to accept the fact that he was not in your life at the time. You were trying to live too.

Answer 4

Have you resolved the problems that caused you to split up in the first place? If not, then no ownder you're feeling lousy. You feel shaken that yur marriage may not be "forever" like you first thought. I think your best course of action is to have mediation for your husband and you. You can't beat yourself up over having another relationship when you were separated - you didn't cheat - and I guess you are back with your husband because your relationship is worth fighting for. Don't let yourself or your husband punsih you for that relationship - it's gone and finished with - look forward together. Wish you well

Answer 5

You need to forgive yourself for having sex with someone else. It seems as though you feel very bad about this and are punishing yourself for what you did. If you do not forgive yourself and move on with your husband your marriage will end. Your husband needs you to be his wife. You are not giving him what he needs when you are being cold and moody constantly. You are living with your husband but emotionally you are still tied to that relationship when you were separated because it is on your mind and you husband is being neglected because of it. Forgive yourself for what happened and focus on the opportunity you have to be with your husband. You are wasting time ruminating on this affair when you could be building new memories with your husband.

Answer 6

Girl, you were seperated, and have nothing to feel bad about. If you are feeling like this, it is probably because you are back with him, and miserable. You need to find a support group. Most churches has one for free. You might want to try a doctor, it could be hormonal.

Answer 7

Maybe you should see a doctor because it sounds like you may have a form of depression on top of the guilt that you are already feeling. Relationship problems are the worst but they happen. Hope this helps and hope you feel better soon!

Answer 8

Honestly, it sounds like you're getting depressed. I started getting depressed and didn't like the thought of having to take a pill every day to be happy. But my doctor explained to me that if you don't take care of it, it can cause brain damage over time. So I got a prescription and it has helped so much. Go to your doctor and explain how you've been feeling, they'll be able to help you.

Answer 9

Perhaps it's your way of punishing yourself. Mercy is not getting the punishment you deserved. Grace is getting the love that you don't deserve. Excepting mercy and grace is illogical to many, but for many giving mercy and grace is the most logical thing to do.

As freely your husband gives, then freely you must recieve or less you insult his giving. Tell him how you feel and you may be surprise that he wants you very much NOT to feel that way.

P.S: Just don't do it again lah.

Answer 10

Maybe a marriage counselor can help. Its possible that you have feelings of guilt that is making you feel this way. Subconsiously, you may not feel like you are deserving of happiness. Your family needs you. Get some help.