Advice and suggestions please?

Question

My husband and I are having problems with the fact that he thinks that I continue to be too cold. I do not know what to think, because I had this problem with him before we seperated for almost one year, then, I had this problem with my ex-boyfriend, the one that I dated while being seperated from my husband. Now, we are back together and at the beginning he thinks that I was very loving and more sweet, you know, I do not know if this is a problem with me. I have always felt like I could not offer love in front of other people and I do not understand why he thinks this way.Part of it has to do with the fact that he works until midnight, and a lot of times he will find me asleep after I tell him that I plan to wait on him.We have two young ones together, I do not know if we should seek some marriage counseling or something. I believe that he is being selfish and does not always consider me.

Answer 1

I really feel for your situation dear. I understand there are those who just feel uncomfortable with public displays of affection. Those who feel this way strongly think it is innapropriate and shows a lack of decency to publicly touch their spouses. However, if one spouse does not understand this it can create exactly the situation you find yourself in. I can feel from your words how much pain you are in and how worried you are. You have already broken up once and are afraid this will occur again. It sounds like you love your husband very much and are confused on what to do to help solve this delema.

I also know that many enter into marriage or a relationship without knowing HOW to be married. This is one reason why relationships have such a high rate of failare. When two people don't know how to be married, the marriage dies from a lack of communication and nurturing.

Honey, it is important for each partner in a marraige to put their partner's needs first. When both are putting the other's needs first, then both get their own needs met all the time. This culture in America has fallen away from how marriage works. We are encouraged to put ourselves first, our own happiness, our own fullfilllment, before the needs of anyone else, including our spouse and children. However, this is not the behavior which nurtures and replentishes a committed relationship and allows it to grow and become a healthy, vibrant, ever growing long term bond of love. It is in the selfless act of giving to our spouses that we can build that healthy, vibrant, loving bond. It takes two who wish to grow together, to discover the world together, to grow old together. In order to do this each has to put the other first. It takes maturity and understanding of the others needs, and taking those needs into consideration and then meeting them. Another area we have gotton so off track is the loss of roles. There is no shame in each partner having a different but equal role in the relationship. We have gotten so off track with this, so misunderstand how it works. We now think if a woman honors her husband as head of the household that we are somehow diminishing ourselves. This is simply not true. I am an equal partner with my fiance. In all our time together we have not had one single fight. This is due to each of us putting the other first, having open communication of our needs, fears, desires, and forgiving each other our mistakes. We treat each other gently, and we each strive to meet the others needs, often before s/he knows its needed. This is not a difficult task, it just takes maturity, a willingness to completely love the other, to trust in each other, to openly discuss life and our feelings. I consistantly wish to meet his needs. He consistantly wishes to meet mine. I do not put my own needs before his, he does not put his before mine. This behavior allows each of us to get our needs met. We can feel free to meet each others needs, to find joy in doing so as we each know the other is doing so as well.

I strongly encourage learning how to communicate, how to listen properly, and to strive to meet the needs of your husband. You can only change yourself, nobody else, nor should you try to as this leads only to frustration and eventually grief. I also strongly encourage you to seek out a counselor and to be open to discuss your needs, fears, and desires. To listen to what the counselor says. Be sure to find one who you both feel comfortable with. It may take seeing more than one or two before you find the right one for the both of you. Tell your husband how important he is to you, how much you love him and want this relationship to work. The best gift you can give your children is a solid happy relationship with your husband. Children thrive when parents are happy. Studies show children would much rather have their parents together, even with stress, than have them divorce.

I really feel for your situation and wish you the very best. I hope you are able to work this out and find much happiness in your marriage and throughout your life. Blessed Be.

Answer 2

Sounds like you're just not a very emotional and expressive person. I can relate, I tend to be extremely reserved myself. I have had problems with it in the past when I had to deal with more expressive people - my outward lack of emotion made them feel I did not like them, or was not interested. I don't know if this issue was addressed when you and your husband were in counseling. I'm not sure what advice to give here, except that you two should try and understand each other better. You may be able to work on becoming a bit more open in expressing your affection, it will help you in the long run in many ways; but your husband has to understand that there are certain deep-seated things about people that do not change radically, and you can't become a different person even for the goal of making your marraige work. Good luck.

Answer 3

truth be known you are both probably selfish. It takes work to maintain a viberant relationship. It is very disappointing to be told that when you arrive home that your spouse will be there wait to please you and yet she/he is asleep. Doesn't promote positive thoughts. I would rather not be offered sexual attention, than to be offered but not given it, that is almost like getting slapped in the face.

That doesn't mean that he is right and you are wrong, just remember a relationship can't occur between one person! It is a joint effort.

Answer 4

If you really want to work it out, try counseling. But both of you need to want it to work, or you are just wasting time and money.

Answer 5

tell him to get over it.... u've spent time apart and u've been w/diff people so of course now that ur back together the behavior will be diff... u just need to adjust.. but change is always good..