need help , anyone?

Question

i have a friend who calls me only if she wants money or she wants me to do something for her. I'm a student in a foreign country so it's difficult for me to lend her so much money. she never returns the money that she has lent. yesterday and today she keeps on calling and asking me to lend her money. i don't know what to do. i'm a bit shy i can't tell her directly that i can't lend her money anymore because she won't return it. and also in the university that we are studying in, she is known as a whore. all her freinds have left her and no one wants to communicate with her. but i can't tell her that i don't want to communicate with her too, my shyness is my biggest problem. i can't tell her.

can you help me? what should i do?

plzzz don't tell that i have to tell her directly
i can't, i can't
i tried many times but i can't

Answer 1

There are many types of friendships. There are many ways that those friendships manifest themselves. Friendship can be a one way street, or it can go both ways. In true friendships, there is an giving and there is taking. Granted, that isn't always done by both sides at the same time, but a you know a true friend would never turn you away in a time of need.

So, that tells me one thing. You are a friend to this young woman. You seem to be concerned with the life style she's living, which is normal. You haven't turned her away when you felt she was in need. However, please keep in mind that some times to be a good friend we also need to do things that we do not want to do. These are the most difficult because the one whom you share friendship with may not be so pleased as when you just give in to what they want.
Which brings me to the next point. You have to realize that your being a friend to her does not necessarily qualify her as YOUR friend. Even if she was at one time, you have to remember that people change (and some times not for the better), she may not be now. Think about this; if the shoe were on the other foot, would you do the same to her? I think you're starting to get the picture.

Some times people go through selfish phases in their life when they don't really give a second thought to what they're doing to those around them or who's friendships they might be loosing. Some times they feel like they missed out one things they deserved earlier in life because they were too restricted. So, they want to get it now while they can. It's sort of like a mid-life crisis when they're barely out of their teen years. Yes, I've had friends like that. It's one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do, to separate yourself from an friend. Especially when it seems like your friend needs you more than ever.

Okay, you can try to talk to her tactfully. Ask her with concern about her financial troubles. Maybe you can mention that you also are having troubles. Her reaction may give you a peek into what's in her heart. People who deep down know they are wrong will most often get very defensive or even go on the offensive. If you've already tried talking to her, did you notice any traits like that?
This is really something that comes in phases, Tina. It's a bitter experience in life that is hard to write a manual for because it's different for everyone. You're going through the first phase, and that's looking for a way to reconcile. If that doesn't work, the next one is much harder. This is when you need to remind yourself that there is only so much you are capable of doing for her as her friend. You mentioned that her other relationships have been strained lately. That may be a warning sign that others have went through the same phases with her as you are going through. Are you friends with any of these people? If you are, you might try asking them about your friend. If she's going through a selfish phase right now, then she's definitely not interested in being a friend to you. You can only do so much, and then you have to back away. Start trying to phase yourself out of her life. If she keeps asking you for money after you've talked to her about your situation, you might tactfully remind her that you're barely making ends meet yourself...you could recommend someone else that you're sure she hasn't tried. Keep doing that, she'll most likely stop asking after a while. If she says, "...but I'll pay you back soon", just tell her that you don't feel right putting that burden on her because you know she's struggling, but that you can't afford to just give her money either. Just try to shy away without saying anything that would hurt her feelings or sounds like an accusation. If you can back away gracefully enough, there is always a chance you can renew your friendship in the future. Why? Because if she's trying to enjoy everything she can in life right now without thinking of the consequences, she'll soon discover that living by whim is an illusion. Life's hard knocks make us all grow up at some point. If you were kind but firm, she'll remember some day. For now, there is a point when "Giving in" will only do more harm than good. We have to know our limitations and the limitations of our relationships with people. Perhaps later you two will be on the same page, but for now you're living in two different worlds. I'm hoping this all makes sense to you.
I promise, I'm not saying all that for ten points. If there's someone that answered better, then it won't hurt my feelings if you pick theirs. I'm just sharing a little bit of my life, because I've been through this a couple of times. I hope you get things settled with your friend.

Answer 2

Tell her the truth. You are a struggling student that is short on funds. She never pays you back. You can't afford to lend her money.

This is part of growing up.

Take a deep breath. Practice in front of a mirror. Now do it.

You can always email her or text her.

But do not give in. Do not send any more money.

You could turn this around on her by letting her know that you are now short on funds and to start asking for the past loans back.

She is not your friend.

Here is a poem on friendship. Does she match up?

http://www.columbia.edu/~gm84/gibran19.html

Answer 3

This girl is not your friend. She is merely using you.
I know you said please dont tell you to tell her directly, but that's what you're gonna have to do. She will always treat you this way if you dont!!!!!! The only other way to get around telling her you dont want to lend her money becasue she doesnt pay you back is to tell her that you just dont have it to lend..... But then she will still continue to ask you for money later...
Your not an ATM machine, so dont let her treat as one!!!
I had a "friend" that was pretty much the same way, and I got tired of it and just cut all ties with her.... That's really all that you can do, or put up with it!!!!

Answer 4

You have to be honest. Tell her you can't finacially support her. I know you said you can't, but I know you can. I'm the same way. The truth is that when you let people use you like that, you become bitter. You are a good person and you deserve good friends. Like I told my little girl the other day, if people only like you because you give them stuff, then they don't really like you at all. She may get mad, but -more than likely- she'll just go find someone else to use. Good luck. :)

Answer 5

Why can't you tell her directly? She is a user. She is not borrowing money, she is taking it. You must say no. Tell her you can't afford to give her any more money and she must pay you back. Refuse her calls. Hang up or don't answer the phone. You could sue her for what she owes you. Get a backbone. We can't help you if you won't help yourself.

Answer 6

You are a back boneless person. Nobody is able to help you if
you don't help yourself. Try to learn to say No. Otherwise you
will suffer a lot in future. Your parents sent you abroad for study,
not to lend their heard earn money to a whore. So be practical &
say no.

Answer 7

get caller id don't pick up your phone..or e-mail her. thats a lot easier than a confrontation on the phone. just tell her that you can't afford it casue people you have lent to in the past (hinting her) have not yet repaid you at all. its just not in your budget..and your a fool if you continue to give away your hard earned money.maybe i should become your friend and mooch off of you like she does because you let her.i'm not trying to be mean. but for real put your foot down!

Answer 8

From what u said i'd b shocked if u was black. I'm mixed (black & puerto rican) cuz i'd go off on her. I can c where u comin from tho. Jus think if she was doin u the same, i bet right then & there you'd realize that she'd probably str8 up tell u.

Answer 9

just lie and say you're on the verge of becoming broke yourself. i understand that you're shy, but you don't want to end up being her only support for cash. suggest a job or something.

Answer 10

Well the best thing to do is to avoid her, try to keep yourself away from her, when she notice this, she would know that you don't want anything with her again.