My husband of three years left me one day after a silly argument over which restaurant to eat at. This apparently was the culmination of many pent up feelings he had been harboring. I found out a week later he had been having an affair with a woman he worked with.
I have since then filed for divorce and moved on (this happened almost a year ago). However, I find doubt and mistrust always creeping into my new relationship. And I don't like being the person who always questions his every move, every call, etc.
My question is...can you ever really move on completely? Can you ever learn to trust again? Or will I always harbor these doubts and insecurities?
I am afraid that I will drive away this new guy in my life by acting "crazy" so to speak.
2006-09-01 04:27:00 · 20 answers · asked by Trixie 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Being able to trust again will only be as hard as you let it. You have to realize that not every guy that you meet will not be like your ex-husband. I'm not saying that you should let your guard down with every guy you meet, but what I'm saying is don't be quick to think about what happened to you in the past. Don't let something bad that happened to you in the past, damage your future. Allow that experience to shape you and make you stronger, because everything that we go through in life is for a purpose. When you said that you find that doubt and mistrust always creeps into your new relationship, it's because you haven't quite let it go yet. It's a trick, and you gotta shake it off. If things are going well in this new relationship you've got to protect that. Your mind can play devious ticks on you to distract you from who you are supposed to be with. Watch out for that.
You can move on, if you really want to, and you can trust again, if you really want to. You can't harbor feelings unless you want to hold on to them. You have to be strong and have the will power to not let those feeling overcome you and take over your life. Alot of people don't realize it, but you are stronger than your emotions. You CAN control what to and what not to think or feel.
Don't let fear run your life. This guy could possibly be "the one", but you'll never find out because you are focused on being afraid of what you might do. Don't let fear allow you to be afraid of youself, but let yourself allow fear to be afraid of you!
I don't know if you pray or not, but if you don't, try it! Pray and ask God to allow you to realize the strength that He gave you. You have awesome strength, but you can't use something if you don't know you have it. So, ask God to reveal that to you (and he will, trust me, He's awesome!).
God Bless
2006-09-01 10:23:29 · answer #1 · answered by jcdunbar0312 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is an unfortunate thing but you will probably always have those thoughts in the back of your mind. It's not fair but it is human so dont be too hard on yourself.
I was abused and cheated on about 5 years ago. After the frist 2.5 years went by I finally started another relationship, well...those feelings came back and caused lots of problems. Needless to say the past 2.5 years have been bad and we cant get over the arguments of mistrust, a few other things too, but the relationship couldnt survive the problems. I wish you the best of luck! Its going to be a long, hard road for you.
2006-09-01 05:21:45 · answer #2 · answered by bloo 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I say YES you can. You have to have open communications with the person you are in a relationship with. The kind that you can tell each other anything. That will build trust over time, which is the cornerstone of any good (long lasting) relationship. I am in the same boat, wife of a little over a year had an affair. I could not move past it. We got divorced. I eventually married what is now my best friend in the whole world. I still from time to time feel jealousy, and worry that she could do the same thing to me, but it passes.
2006-09-01 04:59:13 · answer #3 · answered by ? 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can relate, I was in a relationship for 5 years and there was alot of mistrust and cheating that developed over the years. When the relationship ended, I chose not to date as a way to heal from what happened. It's now been about a year and I am now dating but find I feel the same distrust as you. I am working on these emotions by trying to look within first and ask myself why I feel the way I do... has he given me a reason? If so communicate it..if not then try and understand your fears and maybe try sharing them with your new partner. I know what you mean when you say you don't want to question him all the time etc.
Distrust creates alot of baggage afterwards but truly it's baggage we have to deal with inside of ourselves. I hope things work out for you and know that your not alone in feeling how you do.
2006-09-01 04:34:56 · answer #4 · answered by ifyewonlyknew 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I do the same thing. My ex cheated on me every chance he got. And when I got into a new relationship I found it hard to trust. I just kept telling myself I had to be able to trust again and not to let him pay for the ex husbands mistakes. Things were fine and he turned out to be the most faithful and honest person I've been with. But then the more I fell in love with him the harder it was to stop the insecurities from the previous relationship. But I make myself. Four years and I've never been given any reason why I shouldn't trust him. It's hard cause those scars run deep but we all have to work through these feelings or it will ruin us.
2006-09-01 04:34:56 · answer #5 · answered by e_deckwa 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't think your problem lies with your new partners in regards to trusting them. I think your problem is that you don't trust yourself to make good judgements when it comes to men. You were burned once, and you haven't learned anything from it. You are still in the "How could I not know?" stage of it. What you need to realize is that sometimes there just aren't any tell tale signs, and some men just cheat...not because we've done something wrong.
You will eventually drive away this new guy with all your questions. Your best rule of thumb is to portray him innocent until proven guilty. It is possible to move on after someone cheated on you. The trick is to not punish the new guy for the old one's mistakes. It's a long process honey that requires patience and baby steps. Your reaction is normal, you are just protecting your heart. Just remember that when you keep it so guarded, you don't allow anyone else in, and that will hurt you more in the long run.
2006-09-01 04:38:25 · answer #6 · answered by Hollynfaith 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, you have to make some choices.
Are you willing to take the risk...and lose? Is losing the game better than forfeiting before it starts? relationships are tough enough without the burden of extra baggage.
For the love to grow, that baggage has to go!
And if you lose? Well, heck, grieve a little and then try it again.
But if you don't put your heart on the line, it's like trying to win the lotto without buying a ticket...ain't happening. Sorry to be blunt.
It's just time to get over it, and free yourself up!
---
No Simple Matter
I have heard life is simpler without love,
But that isn't the life I'm dreaming of
Because I find no peace serving my self
Putting other's needs on a dark back shelf
I need to be free, not isolated
More than I ever anticipated,
Such that one will not ever be enough;
That to box me is a job way too tough.
I'm going to be free to love my friends
No matter what hurts, no matter what ends
No simple matter, fit for a basket...
The sole box for me will be a casket.
Love overflows, it will not be contained;
Where duty is right, my heart is retained,
But while I'm doing what you may call right
My lonesome tired heart will somehow take flight.
Do not convince me that I have earned shame
Nor accuse, I already take the blame.
My heart under blame was left empty, cold.
I will warm it up before I'm too old!
just david
http://www.geocities.com/counttheways
2006-09-01 08:52:25 · answer #7 · answered by Just David 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i am not sure if you will ever feel trust. but even if you do, then it will at least take some time. if you really love this guy, just have a talk with him and explain to him where your doubts are coming from and I am sure if he really cares, he will understand and wait for you to regain trust but you have to try with youself as well. try not to be so doubtful. push the negative thoughts away and always remember that not all men are the same, they don't all cheat. same as women. he may be ok. so don't lose the chance to have a happy life with a nice guy because of fears from a past relationship. don't let your ex ruin your past and pesent life. don't give him this chance, please. Good luck
2006-09-01 04:36:58 · answer #8 · answered by messy_missy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yeah, its a tough question. The issue of love and trust is such a big interconnected one that as long as the wound of the past experience is still fresh in your mind, every instinct in you will try to protect your from another wound. But you see, life is often more what we give than what we take. You have to give your love, you have to give your trust, this way, the pain and all the distrust will go out of your system with it.
And you have to move on. You cannot stay in one place for the rest of your life, get on, you will get hurt ocassionally, but it's part of life's game. Morever, when you give your love totally, you will get it in return, and that flow of love you get in return, will in time heal the wound and the pain.
Good luck.
2006-09-01 04:51:39 · answer #9 · answered by SmartAlec 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe its different in your country. He is your husband,, you should have fought for your right over him first and formost before the divorce. But you should not have filed a divorce first.. Maybe you filed concubinage.. to get more support from him just in case.
.
If your husband cheated on you, there is not reason why another one who is not yet your husband would do the same... the chances are even worse..
But it is not to say that there are no more good guys out there... I am still there are, but at this age... they are so rare anymore.
Good luck
2006-09-01 04:37:46 · answer #10 · answered by yulnores 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋