Adults Serious Answers Only?

Question

How did you get your mate to tell the truth that they were cheating?

Answer 1

I am so sorry you are going through such a painful ordeal. A cheating spouse is by far one of the most painful experiances a marriage can go through. I really am sorry for the pain you are experiancing.

Now, I am sorry to tell you this but cheaters lie to the ugly end. Unless they are feeling so guilty they have to get if off their chest, they will never tell the truth. They will lie with the proof in front of their very eyes. They will come up with reasons for this being a mistaken assumption, they poke holes in the "proof", they call others liars, those who perhaps saw them in a comprimising situation with the person they are cheating with.

Now, sometimes a cheater will want to unburden their hearts. This is something I dispise. If a spouse made one horrible mistake, they often feel consummed with guilt. In order to reduce the amount of suffering they feel they are often compelled to "confess" which then unburdens the level of their guilty conscience. This is cowardly in my opinion. If a usually faithfull spouse made one error of judgement, like durring a troubled period of the marriage, I believe that spouse should bear the guilt is silence. Why hurt your spouse further by telling her when you know you will never do such a thing again? Their punishment IS having to deal with the guilt. That guilt will motivate them to treat their spouses with increased amounts of love and attention, will make them appreciate their spouses even more deeper than before as they see how they could lose her. The feelings of guilt which he must bear alone is just punishment for this sin against his wife. I believe in situations like this he should keep it a secret to his death, never harming his spouse with the ugly truth of his infedelity. There ARE occassions when a spouse makes this mistake once and only once. If he tells he is hurting her without any need. Unless he contacted a disease, then don't tell. I know if my spouse made this horrible mistake once I would NOT wish him to tell me of it. Not when he knows he will never do so again. I have never cheated on anyone in my life. Yet, I know many couples who were in the above situation and the wives were hurt unduly, and some of the marriages broke up. I knew these men very well and so knew it was a one time event. They were so ashamed of themselves, and came to me to ask if they should tell. I encouraged them to not tell, that more damage would be done than good. That if they knew it would never happen again, that telling would unfairly hurt their wives, and could ruin what is a good and loving relationship, leaving their children in a broken home. Many may not agree about this, but that is Ok, as we all have our own opinions. However, if the husband has done this a second time then it IS tme for confession and if the wife is willing to seek out professional help. Some men just don't know why they cheat. They really do love their wives, yet for some reason their self esteem is so low they need to feel desired by other women to increase feelings of self worth. This is a problem which can be fixed if the men get help. It will probably not be help in enough time to save their current relationship. But, without this help they will not grow, they will be stuck in this behavior for a long time, stunting their persnal growth and maturity.

I am so sorry you suspect your husband of cheating. If he is making a regular habit of this and is lying about it, he still loves you but is an emotional mess. He probably does not understand why he feels such an urge to seek out the attentions of other women. It is the men who shove it in the faces of their wives who do not love those wives. Those who lie to the end DO love their wives, just have such low self esteem they have to find ways to increase their self worth, but they are going about it all wrong, and hurting people along the way. Some of these women they cheat with think these men actually love them, they believe the lies they are told, about not loving the wife, about getting ready to leave her.

However, it is you and your marriage I am most concerned with at this time. You are in a lot of pain. You have a lot of thinking to do and decisions to make. I suggest you seek out counseling for yourself and then see if you can get your husband ot go with you. I am not saying this will save your marriage, as it takes a very strong woman to stand by the side of a man who is so immature, so selfish, so damaged in self worth he cheats on a regular basis to find relief. A strong woman may be able to stay with her husband while he seeks the help he needs to stop this destructive behavior. If a woman IS able to stick it out, she will be vastly rewarded with a deeply committed, loving and remorsefull husband who will do anything to please her. However, she must not take advantage of this or it will not work. She must forgive and allow both members of the marriage to heal, and the marriage itself to heal.

I really feel for your situation. If you have strong indication he is cheating then I feel you can listen to your gut and know he is. You then have choices to make. The only person you can change is yourself. It is up to you what you feel you can do and what you can't do.

I wish you much happiness and joy in life. I am sorry you are suffering now, but it will get better in the future. I promis it will. I have lived a while now and been throw simular situation. I have seen a lot in my lifetime and learned wisdom. One wisdom I learned is we each have to learn what we will tolerate and what we can live with. Nobody can make this decision for us and each of us must live with those decisions alone, except when children are involved, then our children must live with our choices as well. I do wish you the best. This will hurt for a while, but you will grow from it. Take the good in all situations and find ways to grieve then get past the hurts life deals out. Blessed Be.

Answer 2

Many times your spouse won't tell if he is cheating. You should be able to pick up those negative vibes when certain day too day situations don't add up in your favour. It's all the small things your man does that makes the difference. Usually you can figure out if he is there for you in important times. Caring about what you feel, respecting your decisions when you make them. When he considers what makes you happy, he's there for you. If he is all these things, then I'd say he is not cheating. There should me no question in your mind about cheating. Usually your gut feeling tells the truth about what he is doing. Sorry to hear you live this way wondering what he is up too. Cocoa

Answer 3

There is no SURE way of getting your mate to tell the truth. If they want to lie they will lie.An adult with a certain level of integrity, and honesty will tell the truth when his wife or mate asked a sraight up question regardless of how silly it may be.

Answer 4

I'm not sure you can get someone to tell on themselves. Either their conscience gets to them and they come clean, or they get caught. And the funny thing about that is even though they get caught, their rule of thumb is to deny deny deny! Sad, but true.

If you suspect cheating, all the signs are pointing to cheating, and you have some proof, it's better to leave if they are still in the denial stage. Chances are, they would only be sorry they got caught, and will do it again if the opportunity presents itself.

Answer 5

I was never able to get him to tell the truth even when I caught him with one of his "women friends" My husband now doesn't cheat. That is why we are still together after 21 years.

Answer 6

What I don't understand is why people want "proof" or an "admission of guilt" for something that they already know is true???

If a person was dishonest enough to cheat on you, do you honestly expect them to be honest enough to tell you the truth? I mean some might, but don't hold your breath.

Answer 7

Plan a nice dinner with no children around and no interruptions. Get rid of the cell phone, black berry and turn the phone ringer off. Have wine and relax after dinner. Then just ask him/ her in a non threatening manner. "Have you ever cheated on me?" You will know immediately by their reaction. If he/ she gets explosive mad.. he/ she probably has.

Answer 8

First i had to be sure...After i found out that is was a fact i asked him did he have anything he wanted to tell me or talk about...Of course he kept saying what are you talking about and i would just say i already know i just want to hear it from you... Finally after a bit of fighting and me telling him his friends told me which they didnt i found out own my own but that one works... He told bits and pieces never the whole story.... Good Luck it sucks i know...

Answer 9

I have never asked this but I will tell you what I would do.
Come directly from your heart. Ask sincerily.

Sorry about this. Hang in there...

If so then, well you will have to decide where to go to from there.

A heart to heart talk, even if it needs to be quite direct must happen.

Answer 10

I didn't get him to tell the truth until I was able to get the woman to confess to it. He got on his knees, looked me in the eyes and swore he didn't do anything. Then she came clean and he knew he couldn't hide it anymore.

Answer 11

hi ya.... it a tough one. Its really hard to get them to tell the truth, it depends on the person. You are better off getting proof.... horrible job, i feel sick even thinkin of it... and facing him down with it. Also can I give a second bit of advice... You sound fairly sure that he is cheating.... please if you find out that he is... walk away.