Talking about it helps some with a tharapist. That & writing about it helps me remember more. Yet, I don't feel I've totally recovered. Far from it. I still hate certain kinds of men & I get very upset when I hear of men going to topless bars & bachelor parties. I wish that I wasn't attracted to bad men who end up hurting me really bad. There's usally some sexual abuse of some kind too & I feel violated all over again. Then I swear that I'm done with guys like him. I don't say when I wake up that day, "I want to find a guy today who will abuse me & disrespect me. Yep that's what I'm gonna do." Then I meet him, fall in love & the process starts all over again, like I'm stuck in some f**king time loop.
It is always the same conversation when I talk to my therapist about it & I feel like we haven't covered any new ground. Now maybe this isn't so. Maybe I'm actually doing a lot of healing in this therapy process & making a lot of progress & don't know it.
What do you suggest?
2006-09-01 02:17:36 · 14 answers · asked by ? 4 in Social Science ➔ Psychology
NatureGirl,
Read your post, here are some thoughts...
There are different approaches to therapy, based on how the therapist thinks people work and how he can best help them. Your therapist could just be bad, or he could be using an approach that doesn't work well for you, or perhaps he is waiting for you to be ready to "realize the truth" that will help you move forward.
[Therapy is tricky because any information given the patient when they are not ready to understand/receive it will be useless to them. In standard medicine, the doctor controls the cure; in therapy, the therapist cannot make the patient change, the patient has to decide to change. If you are not ready to change, no amount of insight will help.]
I know you don't plan to pick a "bad guy" when you go out there, and it's frustrating and painful to find yourself in this terrible cycle, wondering if there's anyone out there who will love you as a person (rather than using you) and not even feeling now like you can trust your own instincts.
Two possibilities that I see:
1. The character traits that you value in a man in order to be attracted to him are the same traits that contribute to him being abusive and mistreating you.
2. There's an emptiness or longing in you that drives you to enter a relationship that might not be best for you, rather than waiting and thus running the risk of being alone.
An online forum can't take the place of real therapy, but since you seem to be good at talking things out (you explained your situation well) and you also have some experience with journaling and thinking about your past, I would explore your situation with questions like these:
1. What is it that attracts you to the men who have ended up abusing you? (For example, does he come across as self-assured? Mysterious? Assertive? Interested in you first? Do they dominate the relationship and make you feel cared for? etc.)
2. Why are those traits so attractive to you?
3. Can you see how those traits might be the flip-side of any of the abusive traits?
4. What traits in a man do not have that dark flip side? What traits *could* you trust? Are there any at all?
5. In your relationships, do you notice any emotional patterns? For example, how quickly do you move to a new relationship? Are you still feeling crummy when you enter a new one, and feel better once you have a new one established?
6. How is your life apart from men? Does it revolve around finding a man to bond with and help/give yourself to, or do you have other focal areas in your life so that even when you are not dating, you are still feeling content and productive with your life?
I've used secular terms here, rather than spiritual ones, since I don't know your religious background. For me, I do see God as impacting how I relate to myself and others; and if you believe in God, how you think He views you would have an impact on this issue in your life.
I hope things get better. Don't be afraid to really look at yourself, and be patient: It will take time to change how you choose and relate to men, and throughout the change you will feel some anxiety because it will all be new and uncertain. Don't give up.
[I like your handle -- it reminds me of "NatureBoy," that bittersweet song from "Moulin Rouge."]
2006-09-01 04:45:24 · answer #1 · answered by Jennywocky 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First of all you have to look at where you are meeting these guys. Change the type of place. Look at the area you are meeting them in. Maybe go to a different area. Hey there are personals on line maybe you need to give those a try but remember all the guys want to get sex.
Most churches have singles groups I think. Might be time for a change like that. If you ever feel like they abuse you in anyway stop it before the situation happens and then dont talk to them again. If you are getting no where with the therapist go to a new one.
2006-09-01 09:24:30 · answer #2 · answered by laencm 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Okay...first things first...don't even think of dating a guy unless he respects you from the start. I don't care how good looking he is . I don't care if he is the smoothest talker in the room. I don't care how "great" he thinks he is...if he is not respectful towards you then just say no thanks.
Now, you need to have realistic expectations. Nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes. You need to be honest about what is okay with you in the bedroom and what makes you feel bad about yourself.
Trauma of any kind is not something that just goes away over time. It finds a place, deep down inside of you, and hides there. It pops back up to the surface when you are confronted with similar treatment or when you are having a bad day. You need to find ways to turn that negative reaction into something positive.
What you need from therapy is how to recognize who you are and what you really want from life. We all need a daily touchstone. For many of us it is God. I know without God in my life I could have gone to therapy 7 days a week and I would still be at square one. You need a touchstone of some kind, be it God, self-meditation, yoga, a daily journal, exercise. Something you do that keeps you in touch with the real you.
2006-09-01 09:37:10 · answer #3 · answered by Sister Cat 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's the same conversation because you are still working on the same problem. Recovery does not mean that the trauma doesn't still affect you, becuase it probably always will in some way.
You have to take charge of your recovery. Your therapist is not going to do it for you! What are you doing to help heal yourself? Join self-help groups, read self-help books, and enlist a friend to help screen the guys you consider going out with.
2006-09-01 10:08:16 · answer #4 · answered by theblackenedphoenix 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I suggest you get a new therapist and possibly try a support group. It is easier to see and deal with other people's mistakes than our own, so if you hear other people's problems that are similar to yours, it may be easier for you to see what you are doing wrong, or how to stop your "vicious cycle".
Also, you might want to try dating someone that you would not normally consider dating, and see how it goes. Just because you are attracted to a certain kind of guy now doesn't mean you can't change that for the future.
2006-09-01 09:28:03 · answer #5 · answered by jeshzisd 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
EMDR and Somatic Experiencing are both used to treat trauma. It's a different way of processing than verbally recounting and reliving the trauma.
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a method of psychotherapy that has been extensively researched and proven effective for the treatment of trauma. EMDR is a set of standardized protocols that incorporates elements from many different treatment approaches. To date, EMDR has helped an estimated two million people of all ages relieve many types of psychological stress.
Somatic Experiencing is a short-term naturalistic approach to the resolution and healing of trauma developed by Dr. Peter Levine. It is based upon the observation that wild prey animals, though threatened routinely, are rarely traumatized. Animals in the wild utilize innate mechanisms to regulate and discharge the high levels of energy arousal associated with defensive survival behaviors. These mechanisms provide animals with a built-in ‘’immunity’’ to trauma that enables them to return to normal in the aftermath of highly ‘’charged’’ life-threatening experiences.
Here are some links:
http://www.emdr.com/briefdes.htm
http://www.traumahealing.com/
2006-09-01 21:21:07 · answer #6 · answered by EDtherapist 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
mayb the problem lies within you. you feel the urge to go out with guys and the guys who you go for turn out being just like a typical bad guy. because you're used to going out with guys like that, somehow in your mind it attracts you to fall in love with them and you're left feeling hurt. what you need is a distraction. something to help keep you motivated and take your attention off men. also do something that would raise your self-esteem as sometimes that plays a part in it. the lower the self-esteem, the worse it gets. do things that will make you happy and that make you enjoy yourself instead of making you feel sad, depressed, lonely or down on yourself. i think that is something you really need in your life at the moment, and some day you'll find the right guy who'll love you and treat you right.
2006-09-01 09:31:24 · answer #7 · answered by kristyb872001 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Time is the best healer.
As for your penchant for choosing "Mr. Wrong" - don't be so anxious to find a man. Find yourself first. Learn to be happy with who you are and what you have to offer the world. Pursue interests of your own. Take classes in art or music. Stretch your mind. Make the most of YOU! You are unique - there is no one else on the earth like you. Be the best you you can be.
2006-09-01 09:28:27 · answer #8 · answered by carolewkelly 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I dont think a therapist would help if they had never experienced the same kind of pain. I think your best bet is to find a hobby, something to keep your mind off of it. Or do some volunteer work, the best thing to do is keep busy. Writing sometimes helps, but dont write mushy country stuff, write mad and angry eminem stuff. If you write like he does and sont hold it back, you would feel better, atleast I do, I have over 300 songs that I have wrote and collected over the past years.
2006-09-01 09:46:21 · answer #9 · answered by blondee_023 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
you need to find your closure.. Try loving yourself more when you fall in love with another guy. Assert yourself. Dont let anybody push you around, not even to the one you love.
There are guys who likes women like you because they know they can 'bully' you.
You need to change how you preceive yourself when you're in love...that's the first step..then the rest are up to you
2006-09-01 09:20:28 · answer #10 · answered by Jacky 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋