If my wife e-mailed someone and told them they miss them and want to see them soon, can I consider her cheat?

Question

I posed my question the other day about if I should divorce my wife because I caught her emailing an old boyfriend, and I thank the ones that answered. When she told her friend about me catching her, her friend told her about the time we almost got together while we were divorced. You see this is our second time remarrying. She is upset that we didn't tell her but I didn't do anything and we weren't married at the time. Two months into our marriage she emails this ex-boyfriend. Are they the same thing? Can I trust her ever again? She is trying to play the same card on me saying she can't trust me because I didn't tell her about almost sleeping with her friend. We aren't intimate anymore and she is telling me to wait for her to heal over this. What about my healing? Can we ever be friends again and move forward in our lives as husband and wife, or are we doomed for failure?

Answer 1

so you are remarried? I know that this is not what you want to hear, but she has to stop using that as an excuse. I would consider counseling. If you told her about the friend and she knows it wasn't while you were married, she is playing a card that is old.

Two months into your marriage, she emailed an ex? I will tell you something. Block out that this is 2006 and all this exceptable garbage is exceptable. Do you truly value yourself enough to ALLOW your newlywed to email her ex-boyfriend? If you emailed your ex-gf, wouldn't she feel betrayed after two months? Sure.

So the first thing is, no matter what you go to say, she is going to excuse her behavior and put up a wall. So if you truly love her, set goals. Agree on the counseling together first. Agree that she will not ever talk to old flames because she CHOSE to live her life with you. I hate that "i have old friends and i plan to keep them" crap.

Adults marry and leave their father and mother (AND THEIR old flames)... now it's time for yard work and retirement and vacations with couples you already know that are secure in their relationships... your kids and their kids...

if you want a mature relationship, decide now and get it. or continue with the hassles of manipulative women that make it hard to trust others later on.

Good luck!

Answer 2

Sounds like you guys would benefit from counceling.The longer you let this animosity between each other fester the worse its going to get and you could likley be doomed.You say this is your second time marring her obviously there was a reason you got divorced the first time.And when you were divorced from her you and her friend were spending time together but nothing happened.You never cheated on her you were seperated but i do agree her friend should have told her what was going on between the two of you.Now your wife is emailing some one else.Is this person a friend in the area or someone she met online?Sounds like she is looking for comfort some where else even if its only emotional because shes not getting that at home.And this will be detrimental to your relationship.This is why if you want to save your marriage you need to sit down and talk with her tell her exactly how you feel about whats going on and that you want to save the marriage and the only way you can do that is if you go to counceling,you could possibly do this on your own but both of you need to get your feelings out and let things go.

Answer 3

I think you can be friends again and you can move forward... if you really want to.

I'd strongly suggest couple's therapy.

There's clearly a bond between you, if you've married twice. At some point, you both have to agree that you are both very sorry for what has happened in the past... that you take full responsibility for your part in it and that you will move forward from here. That means you don't get to bring up past insults and wounds when you have disagreements in the future.

If she emailed the ex-boyfriend just out of spite... and if you're snooping around, trying to find out who she's talking to, then I think you both have some growing up to do.

Ultimately, I think that trust is a decision you make. If you two are trying to get back at each other, you're each eroding perhaps the most important facet of your relationship.

Take a step back. Breathe. And get into counseling.
You can make it.

Good luck!

Answer 4

I will beat her ***. Well if her man is good looking i would b very friendly with him and see how they like it. Or i guess the best thing 2 do is talk 2 ur soon 2 b husband and tell him how u feel. I don't care how long they have been friends I think they r taking it a little 2 far by kissing in the mouth or the hugging 4 2 long and etc. U need 2 stand up 4 urself and speak ur peace.

Answer 5

ok, not sure of the sequence of events, did you know about her having a boyfriend while divorced and before you remarried? and she may not have remarried you if she had known about the close call you had with HER friend.But i think her friend called your wife on her sh**, or meant to give the wife ammo,but still can you blame her by being upset as emailing an ex bf upset you? they arent the same but a shock is shock.time will tell if you can trust again with what she did and with what her freind divulged, her near encounter with you can your wife even trust her friend anymore, you may have been divorced, but...her own friend and that you would do such a thing with her friend?you both need to heal but your wife is dealing with a double whammy.if her ex was so important dont think shed be so hurt or need time to get over it. be understanding and patient and dont push the intimacy thing or mope over it, is that all that is important to you in this marriage?she does need time to forgive. be nice and talk and be willing to forgive her.give her time she must care, she asked you to wait... and you want intimacy with her, wouldnt that mean youre already forgiving and healing?well hope you both get past this.

Answer 6

truthfully , I think you should have told her; because now her friend have you looking look you were hiding something from your wife; which we now the case( who wants to tell there wife, and at the time ex-wife, that you almost hooked up with her friend) not telling her is understandable because the fear of her reaction; plus like you said you wasn't with her at the time) but the way women think even though it didn't happen it is still her friend and she feel like you are keeping secrets; so that is where the problem comes from. She is not only looking at you, she is looking at her good ole friend, too. So for security purposes she reach out to another man for security and reassurance, she feel like you and her friend kept something from her(what a double slam.)

To answer you question:

Contacting old boyfriend is cheating? yes, because she is trying to hook back up with her ex; it is a difference if she was just cool with him as a friend and he respect ya'll relationship. but what she wrote doesn't look like a "Hey, just dropping a line, how are you and your new family? what she wrote was a definit intent to get back with him.

If I were you I would ask to talk to her at a dinner and I would take her to a really nice resturant and talk to her from your heart and ask her what she wants. you know her more than anyone here on yahoo, so you'll know what she is feeling once she answers. take the feeling and make you decision that next day. tell her what you want from her !!! don't give up so easy take her out and talk to her break her in.

Answer 7

I would tell you that you never resolved all your problems from your first try at marriage, and are just stuck in the same rut this time.

You both need counseling...and you need to work on your communications skills with each other.

If you're just going to keep torturing each other, you've got three options:

1. Fix the problems this time.
2. Stay married and keep torturing each other
3. End it and don't look back.

Answer 8

Sounds like you both are having trust issues and playing games. The "What about my healing" line sounds whiny. If you want to work this out a second time, you all will have to have serious discusssions and if you can't get to that point, agree to get counseling. Otherwise, you will constantly 'investigating' her and she you and your marriage will disintegrate.

Answer 9

She is just using this "almost sleeping with her friend" as an excuse. Sounds like me she is having regrets about remarrying you. It also sounds like she has a hard time of letting go of guys she has been with. Maybe she is one of those girls that have low self esteem and try to feel better by hooking guys to fall in love with her even if she doesn't really love them. She needs professional help.. and bet that wouldn't even help. Dump her, she is emotionally sick.

Answer 10

talk to her,,if both of you are in the healing process, she has to help the both of you, she has to avoid doing such things(emailing an exboyfriend) that would aggravate the healing situation. she has to be considerate. she may not be cheating on you, but this is not the best time to do such things. don't give up yet. surprise her for a travel and talk about this in a calm manner. kiss and make up. save the marriage if you can.