Loyalty to divorced parents?

Question

As the child of a broken home, I was intensely loyal to my mother and deeply resented the hurt my father caused her. It was dreadful watching her suffer. When my own marriage broke up, I tried to encourage a good relationship with my children's father. However, my children took my side. It was only natural, they lived with me and I couldn't hide all the things he did. He left his children, not just me.
In our desire to be politically correct, and because of the increased number of broken relationships, are we teaching our children that loyalty isn't a good thing? If they saw the pain that splitting up causes, wouldn't it teach them to work at their own relationships. I know that there was no way I wanted to give my children the hurt I felt and I really did try to shield them from that. If it was that easy to break up, what lesson are we teaching them?
By the way, this isn't man-bashing. There are good parents and bad parents, regardless of sex..

I was divorced many years ago. Before all this stuff became common place, so my horizons have broadened and there are many things I would change.
My husband told me I was okay as a wife and he was happy before the birth of our children. He resented the way they tied us down.

Sorry Ianatellen - you sound very reasonable. Unfortunately my husband did leave his children, didn't care about them, certainly didn't pay maintenance for them. They never saw a Christmas card, birthday card, etc. Hard to believe, but true. I wanted my children to have a father, used to believe all the things you said. It wasn't to be. I didn't project my feelings on to them because I thought every child should have two loving parents. And actually, I know quite a few people like this. Not many, but they do exist.
People expect more from the mother than they do from the father, as a matter of course. It's unfair. I'm not whinging about it. I'm saying we're working so hard at being reasonable that we're teaching our children poor values. I'm trying to find the line between the two. Children have a right to feel abandoned, too. Women shouldn't be in the position of having to cover up just to protect their children. But we do. It takes two people to make a marriage work.

Answer 1

This situation tells them that relationships don't always work out well, and you are teaching your children that loyalty helps them grow up into mature persons knowing who is right and wrong and knowing who to follow and not to follow.
If you feel like you are depriving them of a father, don't worry they'll understand. I understand my mother. Just make sure that your love and guidance is enough.

Answer 2

When ever there is a divorce the man and wife have bad feelings because of the break up. As parents each parent should never let these feelings be heard or seen. It is not easy but it should be done. My divorce to my first wife was hell to say the least she found someone else and I was lost for a while because I did know why the marriage broke up. I found out later that it was because there was a third person involved. I was floored and really got depressed and seeked help. It took me a few months to recover but our daughter never heard me say one negitive word about her mother ever. 25 years later my daughter has still never heard me talk negitive of her mother. I did cry because I felt I some how failed. My daughter was 4 years old and she would ask why I was crying and I always said it was because I missed her on the days were not together. Of course my daughter would say then you should come home. I would tell her that this was not possible because of other things but that I would always be only a phone call away and with her anytime she needed or wanted to be with me.

A couple years ago my daughter talked to me about those days. She told me that by me never saying anything negitive about her mom that she saw more love and understanding. She told her mother would at times bash me because of normal problems and it was always her farthers fault. Seemed to happen more when her moms boyfriends would breakup with her. My daughter said she knew it wasnt true and the only reason was because I never said a bad thing about her mom and that she knew that I would never hurt her or her mom.

I found another love a couple years later. My soul mate and my daughter got upset because when her sisters were born she wanted what they had. A full time Dad. She wanted so bad to move in with us but she didnt want her mother to be alone. I told her I lived only 3 miles away and our door is always open and I understand her mother needs her.

My point is dont let your feelings be known about your ex. Focus on your childrens happiness. That is the only important thing.

Answer 3

Oh man. I really hope not...there's nothing like getting our hearts broken by the man that we love, and that man is also the father of our children...this last month my whole world has fallen apart and I just can't believe the things that my husband has done behind my back. He won't leave me because I take care of him...there is no reason for him to leave...but when he goes out alone, sometimes my sweethearts (children) will catch me crying...they give me hugs and they are so young and want to know what is going on. I never wanted to split up our family. Everyone else's is. Mine's not supposed to be. The only thing I will be able to do is make sure that I explain it in a way that the children understand. Hopefully, actually I believe wholeheartedly that My Father in Heaven will take care of their hearts for me...He is the keeper, after all.

Answer 4

I understand what your saying. But step back and think of this in a general perspective.......we are asking our children (or hoping) that there is some"right" or "better" way for them to get through a divorce........and there really isn't, cause it's an unatural situation. It's basically picking the lesser of two evils. We are putting them in a crappy situation and wondering which is less harmful to them, which is really just asking too much. You can't come out of these situations "perfectly "......and let's face it, many kids from unbroken families dont' turn out "perfectly" either. Just do your best. You can't predict how your divorce will effect them as adults. It's different for all kids. If I were you, and their father was an idiot, then you simply do your duty to make them see him, but that's it. You can't "make them" take equal sides. They are doing what's natural in a situation that isnt' their fault. IN general, we all know divorce and bad marriages adversely affect our children.........but in those situations, we do our best to still raise them properly. Will it effect them and their relationships? Probably. But I think that when they're old enough, what you verbally EXPLAIN to them about relationships makes a huge difference. My parents were and still are, in a rocky marriage and will never divorce. I wound up divorcing from my first husband because I didnt' want to end up like my parents. I'm sure my parents "thought" that I'd grow up to think that sticking together when the relationship has problems was the right thing.........but it turned out that my perspective was different. They never TALKED to me about it though, my opinion was formed from experience and observation. Had they talked to me about marriage, I may have thought differently.

Answer 5

You are very right, and you have a very valid question, what are we teaching our children. Which reminds me of a question, be careful of what you ask for because you may get it and decide you don't want it, your husband hasn't grown up yet so he left his family for what ever his reason may have been. I'm sorry for the pain he is putting you through, I'm sorry it didn't work out, I'm sorry for the children that are involved. Hang in there my lady, you'll have your answer in good time.

Answer 6

Every childs different in dealing with it and the circumstances of the break up! We can only hope by being far in regards to seeing the absent parent and try not to hide things as in many break ups. Most remarry and have new familys so we can only hope they gain strengh and have a better understanding then most other people.

Answer 7

It's important that kids ge the chance to hear both sides of the story and make up their own minds when they are old enough. I was sad at the hurt caused to my mum when my dad left after an affair, but equally recognised that my dad must have been unhappy for some time. But I was n adult when this happened and it's harder for young kids.

Answer 8

I know where you are coming from, I was also loyal to my mother and pushed my father away, I blamed him, now I am older I realise I was mistaken and my mother had influenced me. Don't hide anything from your kids, be honest and allow them to make their own minds up, they will as they get older.

Answer 9

best to promote nuetrality and introduce both sides without any loyality. Present an open front to the kids, failing that, sides change and it will blow up in your face. think twice and be the adult

Answer 10

tell the truth to them,it hurts but its only right for them to make their own decisions as sometimes, stories may not b as accurate for one.