I hurt someone very badly, What would you do. Please be serious?

Question

I was married for about 6 months to a man, I knew very little about when we got married. Things were bad, so one day I just packed my stuff and took off. That was several years ago. I heard last week that his life went down hill really badly after I left. And he wants to hear from me. He belives my leaving ruined his life. I have been happily re-married for over 5 years. And I don't want to put my marriage in jeperody. Would you contact him? I know I did not ruin his life. But I would like to find out why he believes this.
Thank You

I left because I found out he was doing drugs. And I did tell him I was leaving.

Answer 1

do NOT contact him
he could be setting you up.. to hurt you like you did him

Answer 2

You were married for only 6 months. You obviously knew it was a mistake because you left him only after a very short time. You said things were bad and you knew very little about him before you married him. I believe you knew enough about him after 6 months to know that the only way you could deal with the situation was to pack up and leave. Some may say it was a cowardly act, but you dont seem like a stupid person. We all do things we think are right at the time. I guess though, you could have left him a letter explaining why you left.

If this man says you ruined his whole life then it says it all. You left because you knew had you told him you wanted to go, he would have probably caused a big scene and begged you to stay. He sounds very insecure, and its the insecure ones who I personally find it hard to cope with. They lay the guilt trip on you because they have never been taught to be responsible for their own selves. It is always easier to blame someone else because then you dont have to look at yourself.

You left for very good reasons...I dont know what they were, but BAD kinda says it all.

I think you already know why he believes you ruined his life. Maybe they are the same reasons you left him in the first place.

I think you should leave everything as it is. If he is really screwed up then there are plenty of counsellors out there who would be able to help him. You cant allow this man to make you feel responsible for how he is feeling....If he is feeling so terrible and believes you ruined his life he should be seeking help from a professional.

You are happily married now...dont risk that by re-visiting a past that you didnt want.

One thing I can say in his defence is that he needs closure. You up and left without any kind of explanation, regardless of the good reasons you left him. You need to write him a letter explaining why you had to leave. Thats all you need to do...the rest is up to him. Dont talk to him in person. Give him that closure, but dont allow him to know where you are via a return address. If he is allowed to contact you in any way he WILL try to make you feel bad. Its not worth it. Be happy in your life now.

Answer 3

Since you did not know this man very well, that's the first reason why the marriage lasted as long as it did. Sometimes removing yourself from the equation is the best you could do with your life. His life going downhill is not your fault. He just deals with life differently from you. Maybe he wanted to work it out, and you didn't give him the chance to. For some people forgetting what someone did to them is very difficult. And they think about it everyday. Maybe that’s the type of person he his. And since he didn't forget what you did or forgive you for it, he blames you for his current lifestyle. Contacting him and giving him reason of why you left may put closure for the both of you. Just don't bring up any hope of getting together or even being friends. And mention that you are happily married even if it may hurt him. You let go ....he's got to let go to.

-Error- I did not read the additional details sorry if a repitive answer occured-

Answer 4

Well, I would not of just packed my bags and left in the first place. You should of either not married him if you didn't know him well enough or told him after the marriage that you were not happy. If you just took off, then how did you 2 actually divorce so you could re-marry. I don't know if saying sorry now will help the situation. Maybe he will find someone that makes him happy as that is what you obviously did.

Answer 5

If things were bad enough to leave, why would you contact him?

Do you honestly believe that it's all your fault? It's easier for troubled people to blame someone else in order to justify their poor choices than it is for them to accept responsibility for their own actions.

Quite a few years ago I dated a man and sent him packing when he hit me once. About six months later he asked me if we could ever go out again. My answer was one word - 'No'. I didn't feel that I owed him either an explanation or an apology, and I have never felt that way. If he couldn't figure out why I left, his problems are deeper than I ever suspected.

I have been married for 14 1/2 years, most of it happily. If you're happy in your current marriage why would you go there?

Think! What makes sense to you? follow your head - not your heart!

Answer 6

Your reason for leaving was a good one for you. Just because his life fell apart after you left was not because you left. His life fell apart because of the drugs and that's it. You are happy now and if I were you I would not see him. Why subject yourself to what he will say. He will tell you it's all your fault. When a person becomes an adult, their decisions and their path in life is of their own doing. No one else's. You did not force the drugs on him. In your first sentence you say you hurt some one very badly. You did not do that. He hurt himself. Remember that. I would not jeopardize your marriage to go and see him to hear his sob story about his life. Your life is right on track and if I were you, I'd keep it that way.

Answer 7

You didn't mention a divorce or annulment from him. If you are legally divorced from him and happily re-married, I know of no good reason to ever contact him again. You chose to leave him, so stay gone. He can move on with his life just like you did.

Occassionally, I have fleeting thoughts of my ex-wife. I'm curious to know that she is okay. I have absolutely no intentions of ever deliberately trying to contact her though. She's making choices just like I am. There will either be positive or negative consequences in her life just as there are in mine. Regardless of fault, life goes on for both of us-in different directions.

I never, ever talk about the ex to my current wife, even when she's asked in the past (she doesn't anymore), since there were no children involved.

Answer 8

Sweetie, as much as he wants to hash this out with you, I would strongly advise against it. The idea that he blames you for his life leaves a really bad taste in my mouth. This man had problems before you left. You certainly didn't cause them. If he tries to contact you again, take a phone call, take a letter, but please don't see him in person. You have moved on, you are happy and he's not. That's all it is. If it makes you feel better, give him the closure he's looking for. Explain why you left, and then wish him well and move on. You'll be glad you did.

Answer 9

leave it alone he blames you after all these years and didn't bother trying to find you until now no don't call he could of gotten his self together for the better part of his life and not blame you and use you as an excuse to how bad his life went if he was on drugs his life was already down hill continue with your life and pray for him that's the best you can do if you talk to him he will run a guilt trip on you and you don't need that you did what was best for you at the time

Answer 10

You do not need to re-involve yourself with this guy. If things were bad during your marriage then they will not be any better today. You did not ruin his life. He did. He made his own choices after you left him. You have no reason for feeling guilty.
Don't do anything to hurt your currant marriage. Your ex sounds like someone who could cause you a lot of trouble.
By the way, you never mentioned if you are officially divorced.
D

Answer 11

you were smart to leave him since he was into drugs. You deserve better than that. Don't look back at your past, press forward and keep living the life that you are living. You are happily married and you need to focus on the man that you are with now. That other guy will pull you down and make your life miserable once again, it's not worth it.