My husband is returning after a 4month deployment...small delimma he wants sex?

Question

My husband was depolyed and will be returning very soon. He says the first thing he wants to do is have sex and this is where the issue arises. We barely had sex before his deployment and I literally had to beg for it because he was "stressed" crap I didnt believe then and dont believe now.

I told him that there would come a day when he'd want sex and I wouldnt be interested. And that day has come. I dont want to have sex with him as soon as he gets here. I guess in a way I want him to feel how I felt so he can just understand where I was coming from. I know "getting even" doesnt solve anything, but I feel it can get my point across.

I have told him I dont want sex right away because we have to fix what was broken before he left. He says he is no longer "stressed"(how convenient) and isnt taking me seriously.

How can I make him understand where I am coming from without being this mean wife upon his return?

I dont want a divorce. I love my husband dearly I just want him to know where I am coming from. Please dont assume I am playing a game I just need to know how to make him understand. And me refusing sex doesnt give him the "right" to stray. I want real answer on how to approach a delicate situation.

I thought that he was cheating on me because he refused sex so much, and now I am just supposed to want to jump his bones when he comes home. If you dont know where I am coming from dont answer rudely.

THANX!!

I just asked a similar question...seeking answer that are of more help.

A few of you are not reading the question and understanding it. I love my husband and I want sex but I want him to understand how I FELT WHEN HE DEINIED ME OF SEX.

WHY AM I THE BAD GUY AND HES NOT. HE DID THE SAME EXACT THING TO ME?

Answer 1

I read your entire question and additional comments. Your time here is short we never know how long we're gonna be here. Anything can happen unexpectedly and it could be our last breathe! I have read news accounts of military men who came back after one, or two tours only to die shortly after their return from some freak accident. I undersatnd he was with holding to you before and perhaps you genuinely don't want to be intimate with him but I sense there is a deep wound you're holding onto, (his rejecting you previously) and now--" ya" just aren't feeling the love...here's the deal you can go get some individual counseling before his return-- try to really get your head straight. You say you love him and don't want a divorce....well sometimes one of the partners in a marriage has to be the smarter person has to be the bigger man. You as the woman by nature are the smarter of the two of you....Consider the individual counseling and then when he comes home ask yourself this-- are you proud of him? Are you happy he did not return in a body bag? Do you feel happy to hold him in your arms? Forgiveness is tough when one feels they have a lessson to teach someone else. He may never understand where you are coming from whether you with hold sex or try to explain it a million times to him. Sure, maybe there were some issues that needed to be addressed in your marriage before he left but my guess is you tried to "fix what was broken" the same way with the same results... and that's what will happen this time around unless you decide as a couple to get some professional help. Be good to yourself, allow yourself to forgive him of his PAST actions and enjoy eachother with what ever time you have left! Perhaps if you plan a nice romantic dinner, a walk on the beach where you can both talk you maybe fall in love again and have a new beginning . I wish you both the best. As, a NAVY VET, I salute him! It's ok to fall in love again with your husband! Two wrongs never make a right and it's not your job "to teach him a lesson" believe me he learned plenty while he was on duty ! War is hell...maybe that's why he wants more than anything else in the world is to hold you in his arms and make love to you! Be good to yourself holding onto grudges is only going to prolong your pain & suffering and poision your spirit!

Answer 2

I can understand your point of view. Even if you two had been very sexual before deployment, you might need some time to reconnect before heating up the sheets.

I can also understand his point of view. Preparing mentally for a military deployment to foreign country is stressful. Doubly so, if there combat involved. Stress is a well-known killer of libido in men and women alike. (How could you not believe that?)

Somehow you two will have to get together on this. Making him pay for his past low libido won't help you fix things. Jumping right in the sack to make love when you are really not interested isn't going to help either.

On the first day, I think you should sit down and tell him how glad you are that he is home safe AND how rejected you felt when he refused your advances. (That's the real issue, right?)

On the second day, plan some romantic, but simple, activities that will allow you to reconnect. A picnic, a night out dancing, whatever you two enjoy. Restart the friendship between you. Talk, plan, smooch, and talk some more. I bet the second night, the sheets get warmed up.

Answer 3

If I'm learning anything its men don't understand women. We do not associate love with sex. Emotion with feeling. You have the right to feel the way you do, and don't feel bad. Its a very fine line between being the mean wife and being heard and understood. I will attempt to cover both sides. Whatever the case was before he left, it SOUNDS like you were a bit neglected. With him being away for so long, you learned to stand on your on two feet. You found some self confidence and thats good. He was away and missed you, and sex. He definetely needs to understand your feelings now and then, to prevent it from reoccuring. How you get there is tricky. You do have the power of sex. You need to know him and his reactions to judge how long to play this game. Its good to have power until you lose it. You wanted respect from him, try getting it by respecting him first. If he doesn't respond, then stop and I'm sorry. Just trying to have you be polite. Make your list of demands, understand some you get and some you don't. Draw that line in the sand and realize when its crossed. This will be hard. You can't be cold, he'll never listen to you. Be loving and patient, we're dense. You're gonna have to say it over and over and over. Its all a bluff, like in poker, sometimes you have to fold the hand to win the game. He has been away and it sounds like in the military. That had to be very difficult for him. He uses you as the light at the end of the tunnel. He focusses on you, going through the crap, to get to the end. When he arrives home, its gonna be unreal. Do not discount your feelings when you see him, you may want sex too. Thats ok. He is gonna want to do it again, and you still have the same power. Remember, men = a.d.d

Answer 4

I know you want to make your point and I have been in a simiar situation and it just didn't work out in the end. If you are having these feelings it just seems like it might be the beginning of the end. Either way he has no right to think he can be the only one who decides when to have sex. Just because you may always be in the mood so when he's ready it's all good doesn't mean that when he isn't in the mood he can deny you. You never denied him, right (or at least only for a good reason).

He needs to take you seriously and grow up. When you see him again you will see how you really feel about him and may decide that you will be happier alone or with someone else. It may not seem like it now but that is how it ended up with me. I won't let any man have control like that over me.

Answer 5

That's very difficult. How are you so sure that you don't want to have sex with him? You could see him when he comes home and all of those no-sex feelings could go away when you see how much you've missed him. Depending upon how long he has been gone, you might wanna give him some, being gone like that can really take a toll on a guy. You dont want him going for somebody else because his own wife wouldnt have sex with him. He wants to feel like a man! Especially since he's probably only been around men for the past four months, sometimes there are things you have to do...

Answer 6

Damn .. ur pathetic.. sorry but u are, ur husband has just be gone on deployment for 4 months, working his azz off.. im guessing defending his country.. and because u want to "teach" him a lesson ur going to deny YOUR HUSBAND of making love to his wife that he has missed and anticipated on coming home to for 4 months???????? That is the stupidest, cruel thing ive ever heard.. Guess what Stress along with alot of other things CAN kill a persons sex drive, so its not a excuse, but here ur husband is all excited to come home and love on his wife.. and she's going to be cold and callius.. do u know how many women are getting cheated on by their husbands, or even worse, their husbands ARENT ever coming home cause they lost their lives in the war .. and ur being so petty to want to prove a point...Yeah u go ahead and with hold sex from him when he gets home and make a big issue out of this, see how much he gives u sex everrrrrrr again.. thought u'd want to make it better not worse, but ur so dumb u cant see that u playing this pathetic game at such a crucial time will only hurt ur relationship more not solve any problems..

I hope he wises up and realizes what a selfish b****h of a wife he has...

Answer 7

Well, I'd suggest NOT using sex as a bargaining tool. If he was stressed out the last time (just giving him the benefit of the doubt here)...it's not as if a man can fake an erection. If he couldn't make it happen...there's not much either of you could do about that without a male enhancement drug.

Now...just because you're a woman, doesn't mean you're different. If you truly DON'T feel it...tell him that. Just because you CAN fake arousal doesn't mean you should. Just do what he did, and tell him HONESTLY...that you're not in the mood. If he gets upset, explain to him that you now understand how he felt when he was back the last time, because you're also feeling that way.

If you actually DO want to have sex with him, and he wants to also...don't withhold it. Just make sure you mention that you're glad he's feeling amorous toward you now, because it really worried and upset you the last time he was home.

Answer 8

How long have you been married? If he is deployed, there is an awesomely great possibility that he WAS stressed before he left. Did you ever stop to think that the reason he said that the first thing he wants is sex is so that he can make up for all those times he didn't want it when you did? And if there was ever a time before this that HE wanted sex and YOU didn't, he already knows how you feel when he didn't want sex and you did. See a counselor, they will be a bigger help to you than we Yahoo! Answer members will ever be.

Answer 9

If you believe he was playing a game with you then you are no better by the same (in)action. The cycle has to stop at some point...looks like you have the opportunity to be the one who does.

IF YOU REALLY WANT TO have sex with him when he returns, then do so. AFTER, tell him what you thought about doing and why. Then talk about it.

I am not taking sides, I COMPLETELY understand your perspective (believe me) but he may very well have had genuine issues. A four month absence may be the catalyst for BOTH of you to move forward and put this behind you.

Answer 10

Well, I dont think holding sex over his head is a good idea.

Because first of all, it's good he missed you! Shows he loves you and wants you.... but not cool that before he never wanted it.

Stress can get to you and make you not want it. Been there done that. Not fun.

Holding the sex over his head is going to make him angry and frustrated and not help. My personal advice - the first time give in, because it's been a long time. He missed you and that's good! He's been away. He's been away and NOT having fun or the comforts of home.

AFTER that first reunion sex, then you can hold out on him, and talk. Always talk and open up and let him know that is how you were feeling before he left!!!!!