Marriage / Divorce, do i stay with him or leave him?

Question

My husband and I have been together for 10 yrs., but only married 6. I started dating him when i was 16. We have a child together whom is 6 yrs old. When i found out i was pg with my child at the age of 19, my mother told me i had no choice but to marry the father of this child because she wasn't going to have a bastard grandchild. So we were married and have been married for 6 yrs. now, but not happily. The first 3 yrs i stayed home with our child, then i went to nursing shcool and have been working as a nurse for a 1 1/2 yrs. now. Over the last 2 yrs it seems like we have grown apart and don't have much in common any more, it's like we've been living together as room mates that share the bills and a child instead of husband and wife. We tried talking about it but we just end up fighting about it. I just don't feel the love for him like i use to and I'm not even sure i truely loved him like i should of from the very beginning of our relationship. Please help!

Answer 1

We are never the same person we are now, as we were in our teens. You have surely grown, gotten yourself educated, and realize that the world is a much more interesting place now that you are out in it. And how you saw the world at 19 is now waaaaayyyyyyy different at 29. Of course you have grown apart! He is different as well. And neither of you is the star struck lover that you were. And indeed, you may for sure no longer be in love -- part of the hazards of marrying young. Nothing is forever, and everything EVERYTHING ends badly -- we fall out of love, one of the pair dies, we loose a child, someone gets ill -- this list is endless. Given this, you both need to reassess what you want, who you are both together, and individually. Do you want your marriage to work? Is there anything worth saving? Marriages work when there is Passion, Respect, Admiration and Trust. If all of those are gone, can the be re-ignighted? You said that when you try to talk, you just argue -- clearly you two do not know how to discuss, and negotiate your wants and needs without the whole thing blowing up into accusations. From here, I'd suggest some family counseling to see if there is anything worth saving. Certainly give it a trial. If with some professional benefit you both see nothing worth saving, for sure part, go your separate ways, and for sure again, remain friends----good friends. After all, you do have a child together

Answer 2

Yeah, well your life was more or less planned for you once you got pregnant and your mother said you had to marry the father. But.... there must have been love there for you to conceive a child together. All marriages get in a rut after so many years together. Both partners have to keep the flame going. It's work from both partners. When one gives up, the other soon follows. Too bad you can't talk to each other without ending up fighting. If you could, you could get things settled. If you talk to one another and don't yell at one another it will help. Plus use your listening skills. Plan a day without your child around. Make the decision that you will NOT fight. Talk to each other. Listen to each other. Find out what all the problems are in the marriage to see if it can be saved. Make a deal that you will not stop talking until you can come to a conclusion about the marriage. It's SO important to listen, not to interrupt, and to compromise. Hope it works, good luck.

Answer 3

You are VERY young and I would hate to think you would waste your life being unhappy. People do grow apart ( I was divorced and got remarried) as I did with my ex. I found a wonderful man that I have been married to almost six years. Yes, I have a 10 year old daughter who visits her dad a few times a year and life would be simpler if you didn't have to deal with ex's, but it is so much easier than living a lonely life. I say move on but try to get along for the child's sake. Children often feel it is their fault and you just need to reassure the child that it has nothing to do with him/her. Also, don't put eachother down in front of your child. That is so unfair! I think you will be much happier alone and free to find someone that can fulfill what you are lacking in your current relationship. Good luck!

Answer 4

I think you have all the answers you need. Don't stay in an unhealthy relationship just because you have a child or for that matter because of your mother. I met my first husband at the age of 15, got married at 19, had 2 sons, stayed with him for 12 years because my mother thought it was the right thing to do. We of course divorced. I am remarried now to the man I wanted to marry. You have your education, so you can make it on your own and your child will be better off with you divorcing than seeing mommy and daddy fighting all the time. Good luck to you

Answer 5

I would see if he is willing to go with you to marriage counseling. If not, it may be time to cut your losses and move on. I am against staying together for the sake of the children. When I was a kid, I used to pray that my parents would divorce because my dad was an alcoholic and my mom was always yelling at him about his drinking. They would go for long periods of time without speaking to each other. I was miserable and used to pray that they would divorce so I wouldn't have to listen to the yelling anymore. Eventually, my father passed away from cancer. Oddly enough, I ended up marrying a man who was a heavy drinker. We had a child together. When our son was 4, I came to the realization that my then-husband was not going to change nor give up his drinking. I decided that I had had enough and I took our son., left, and filed for divorce. I'm not going to kid you - it wasn't easy. I had been a stay-at-home mom for 4 years. I had no job, no money, and the job skills I had from a previous job were out-dated. My son and I ended up living with my mom for about a year and a half until I could get a permanent job, save up some money, and get a place for my son and I to live. That was 6 1/2 years ago. Two and one half years ago I got married to a wonderful man who loves and has accepted my son, and my son now has a great step-dad. My point is, don't stay together just for the sake of your child - your child will not be happy and neither will you. Don't beat yourself up over what has happened or not happened in the past - that is over with. It's time to pick up the pieces (and your child) and move on to a better and happier life! Best of luck to you.

Answer 6

Well your mother was wrong to force you to marry a man just because you were pregnant. You also could have given the child up for adoption or had an abortion. Since you were an adult you didn't have to listen to her backward ways. At this point it would be better to divorce so you both can be happy. Don't worry how your mother will react to you if you divorce. You are grown so you can do what you think is best for you and your son.

Answer 7

I was in the same thing. I tried to make it work but she wanted the divorce. It was very hard for me. A divorce is not the answer. We didn't have any children so I think it is even a worse for you. The best advise I can give is if you love him and you want it to work then do what ever it takes. Seek some type of counseling. Get plugged in to a spirit filled church. Seek God in what He would have you to do. Tell your husband daily that you love him.If you really want it to work make plans for the two of you to spend some intimate time together. It may seem like you are putting all the effort into it but when he sees how much you love him he will return that love. If you REALLY love him do WHATEVER it takes. Its up to you.

Answer 8

I'd suggest some down time. Maybe some counciling too.

You'd be surprised by how many people have second thoughts after just a few days apart.

It's hard to find a friend. Ruts happen. If you've both been true, and you both love your child, why not give it a little more time?

People do fall back in love, you know... But it takes work - from both parties.

Best of luck.

JR

Answer 9

Sometimes, letting go seems like the easiest thing to do. But think about this: you've invested so much of your time and energy into another person; you've made a solemn promise; and you still know there's love, even if it's hiding underneath the surface. This website will show you how to save a marriage and avoid divorce, even if you're the only one trying https://tr.im/Dl94N

Answer 10

It's so easy getting used to a person. It might not be love any more. At a point you might even feel like you are living with a friend, and probably feel attraction for another guy. You were to young when you got married, you finished growing up next to him and you change, at this point you might not have anything in common. It's better to divorce in good terms for your child's good and yours too.