I'm in a very complicated situation. Can anyone please help me?

Question

Ok, here it's:(No jokes please, this is serious)
I'm a 19-year old guy, who's homosexual. I came out to my parents just a few hours ago. They were completely shocked and my mother even cried. Like they both saw a ghost. Then when my father got out of his shock, he told me that if I didn't "fix" myself and return to being "normal", he will deprive me from the money he pays for my college education. I didn't know how to reply. I did consider taking a job, but with my limited skills and education I won't be able to get one that can cover even one quarter of my educational and other spendings. This is difficult for me, I can't change who I am, and in the same time I can't lose my college education, I'm fond of my major, and my college friends, who know about my sexuality and are very OK with it . How should I react? I told my dad that it's out of my hands, but he refused even to listen. HELP! Anyone with similar situation? What should I do?

Answer 1

Wow, that is very similar to a situation that I had when I was in college. I am now 41 but I told my parents when I was in college and got the same response. Your parents will probably mellow over time. It's a shock when they first hear that their child is gay. They love you even if it seems tense.
That doesn't help your current situation.
The first thing that you need to do is go to or contact the Financial Aid office at your college. Apply for everything that is recommended to you. It won't cover everything but it will help. If you are out of state, find out what it will take to qualify for in-state tuition. Then apply for a Student Loan, the financial aid office can help you with this too. You will have to pay this back when you get out of college but you won't have to quit going right now. You will probably have to get a part-time job to make ends meet, but if you are good with your money and get plenty of aid it may not be necessary. Once you are out of college for a while it is harder to go back so I encourage you to try to stay in school. You can also go to this website: http://www.finaid.org/otheraid/gay.phtml
They will have some financial aid resources for gay college students. You can also Google "Financial Aid, Gay" and you may get more resources. It may also help to see if there is a GLBT Recsource Center at your college.
The basic idea here is to ask for help at any office or resource your college can offer, don't just try on your own and get frustrated. There are professionals at your college that help kids everyday. On a financial and emotional level. You aren't alone!
This won't be easy but you can do it!! I was able to make it through college and my parents did end up helping me on some things. They calmed down and understood that I wasn't the devil and that I wasn't giving up. They are very proud of their gay son now and we can talk about it freely. I hope that this helps and I wish you much luck. Jason

Answer 2

Duh!

Lots of people have kept that secret quiet, commonly called being "in the closet", until it didn't matter. Just what did you expect? Why would you have to upset things while you were still in a vulnerable situation? After college, after settled into a good, THEN to break news like that.

I guess you had better arrange a student loan on your own. Maybe check out the work-study program in your school. Probably shop for a regular job and take classes at night or one or two during the day if your boss will let you make up time later or weekends.

Your situation was no smarter, but no stupider, than if your father had a daughter and said, "I slept with every jock on the football team a few weeks ago and now I'm pregnant and haven't a clue who the father is. You understand and will keep paying for me to go to school as normal now, as if nothing has happened, right?"

Truth can be painful. The truth is I'm ugly and you're an idiot. But you will survive, just not as comfortably (though still better than the pregnant daughter). Cheer up, focus on getting a job, and don't tell the boss.

Answer 3

Firstly, my condolences. How sad for him that he chooses not to have a son so that he can be a bigot. On the other hand, I've seen gay bois as young as 14 pitched out of their homes onto the street for being suspected (not in every case correctly) of being gay. My partner and I have helped some of them. That doesn't help you of course at the moment. You were looking for love and acceptance -- instead you got rejection. I am sorry that happened to you -- but you need to look beyond it now.

You are right, you can't change -- you could pretend -- tell him what he wants to hear, and not say another word until you graduate. I'm not saying you should -- but you could. That is a decision that only you can make. I wouldn't do it -- other men I know have done it. The question you need to ask yourself on this is: Would he believe you or would you humiliate yourself and lie for nothing? If he wouldn't believe you, or you don't think he would, then there is no sense in doing it at all. If he would believe you -- its your call.


If that isn't an option -- either for matters of personal honor or practical reality -- then you need to consider alternatives.

Call the financial aid office at your campus immediately and talk to an official. Fill out the FAFSA (FASFA -- er -- however its spelled) form immediately. Y ou may be able to complete under your own steam using student loans -- if you are at a private (such as Yale) that may not be possible.

If using financial aid isn't possible immediately, try getting a job near your campus, and staying with your friends, even if you can only do a course a semester or whatever. Family is chosen, if the people who would claim that "blood is everything" as long as you were exactly what they intended you to be don't want you because you are actually yourself, start building your own family now. Believe it or not, eventually you will end up with people who love you very much -- and mean it.

Email me if you need a listening ear.

Kindest thoughts,

Reyn
[e-mail]
justice page -- http://www.rebuff.org/justice/

Answer 4

Wow. Tough spot. If you'd asked some of these questions before you came out to mom and dad, I'd have advised you to make a plan about what to do if the worst case scenario came about. A lot of 15 year olds end up on the street because they come out, or are outed to a parent who is not understanding.

You're right. You can't change who you are. Neither can your parents. But as you said, right now they are in shock. You need to give them some time. A few days or a week maybe. Then you need to talk more to your dad. He might not want to hear it, but an inch at a time. You may need to refrain from any behavior to which he would object for a while. You didn't mention a boyfriend, so I'm assuming you don't have one. I wouldn't hurry up to find one and bring him home to dinner. What you need to get across to your father, and this is easier said than done, is that last week when he was pleased and proud of you, you were gay. You didn't just "turn gay;" it doesn't work that way. And now that he knows, because you didn't want to lie, or hide anything from him, you still love and respect him, and you're hoping for the same from him. It won't be easy, and it might not work out as well as you and I both hope, but take it one step at a time.

Good Luck!

Answer 5

It is a very difficult situation, but something made you decide to come out now, instead of waiting until you'd finished your degree. What compelled you? Whatever it was, you must have thought about what you'd do if your family rejected you.

You need to find a relative or friend to stay with for the moment. You already know you can't be 'fixed' so your father's request is not one you can grant.

You may have to apply for grants and financial aid, and maybe get another job to cover your school costs. If you are attending a college out of state, think about switching to one in state. You have to work on being independent now, because you can't take back what you said, and you won't change your father's mind.

Contact PFLAG (see their website for local chapters) to get help. They will have resources and suggestions that may be able to assist you. They are also parents and friends of gays and lesbians, so they will know what you are going through at the moment.

You made a brave choice; now you must start building an independent life. Remember, even if you have to give up college for now, you can (as many do) return in a few years to finish your course.

Congratulations on your courage and conviction. Good luck!

Answer 6

If it were me I would have waited until you were on your own. You know your parents better than us, yet you chose to tell them anyway. Is that something Einstein would have done? I don't mean to be the one that said "told you so", rather I am trying to get you to think about how you can learn from this situation. A lot of gays end up homeless because of situations like this. Unfortunately, this is a grim statistic. Not just about being gay, but about everything - you need to start thinking about what the short and long term consequences of your actions are going to be. You are a young man now. Image matters. It is not what you say but how you say it - and when.

Let them calm down. And while they do - you need to get to work. You need to find out about jobs you can do and places you could stay. If college is what you want then you need to start looking in to student loans and scholarships.

Maybe they will continue to support you. I hope so for your sake.

None of those programs to make you straight work. You are born that way and that is that. I would go visit some gay sites and start reading some coming out stories. The pflag site is good, so is gay.com.

What ever the outcome I reccomend time, education and prayer. You need God in your life now. Don't follow any kind of version of a religion that condems gays, follow one that accepts gays and pray. Read up on gay issues and coming out stories and how others have dealt with families. And time will heal a lot of wounds.

Answer 7

oh god that sucks, im also in a terrible parental situation. Parents suckkkkk
I suggest you try to contact charities/sponsors that fund poor people thru college. There are some out there tell them your story. Seeing as your in america isnt the contribution to your college tuition calculated by the amount your parents make/afford??
Move away from them and then declare that as you are no longer in contact with them and that they no longer support you. Im not sure how that works as im from the UK.
If your parents dont change their minds or continue this way i would say move away from them even if you have to get a job trust me toxic, terrible parents need to be dealt with before they cause any more damage. You must show them they dont have the upper hand no matter what and cant manipulate you or tell you to became "normal" etc etc... They are the ones with the problem NOT you. I really think you need to show them who is boss... dont let them treat you this way. Dont excuse their behaviour in any way by coming up with exucses for their behaviour..... cz the more you excuse them the more domineering these types of parents became... thats my experience im always forgiving to my detriment as they NEVER change and im the one who falls into the trap thinking oh this time theyl change. Maybe your parents are different but all the same i suggest you find a way to have the upper hand here!! Good luck

Answer 8

I waited to answer your question because sometimes the dust needs to settle with all parties involved. First of all it took a lot of gutts to do what you did. You should be proud of yourself! Second, your parents, especially your father often don't want to accept that they may have a child that is gay. It's unfortunate but true. They will threaten the money card just as quickly as you told them you are gay. My father treats me the same way and I have basically snubbed him and worked hard to pay for my education and have gone on to be successful. You must be at this time non-dependent on your family financially. Once you have done this, you will feel a sense of freedom as well and at some point your parents will realize that you are something not nothing.

Answer 9

Oh Ty .... what you did was very brave and I respect you with all my heart. I know that I cannot answer your question specifically. I can however give a little point that you might want to try the financial advisors at your college. You might be safe to say you could have options with possible student loans/grant and such. Keep your chin up ... your parents are and will be in shock for a little while longer. Don't ever be somebody you're not. Good luck to you in your endeavors.
Peace !

Answer 10

Ty The Guy,
Okay;
#1 You are very brave, list that as an asset.

#2 You have an idea of what you want to do, it sounds like you can make up your mind and stick with it. Every step you take, let it be with a single-minded purpose.

#3 Your parents are going through shock right now. I don't know them, but after they think things out I've herard of parents doing all sorts of things.

#4 If they love you, they will keep loving you. Tell them that.

#5 Love them back.