question for people that were married and divorced now that got remarried?

Question

did you find it hard to forget when something bad happened in your previous marriage and its like deja vu with a fight with your spouce before you got married? if so, how did you overcome it? i was married for almost 11 years, left him after 7 years and now i have a boyfriend that wants to get married next year but there's times when we'll argue and it feels like almost the same arguement but only with another man. i love this man dearly, he took on being a father figure volunterialy and has been a wonderful man to me as well as the kids. if anyone can help, i'd appreciate it

Answer 1

Well, for the most part we are all humans with same emotions equal in a lot of means but with our own uniqueness, so same issues and trobles might be comon, but dont take me wrong, im not trying to offend you or anything, but if its happening again and in the same way i think you should take a good look at yourself and try to see if you have some part on that, or if your overreacting with simple issues, because you know how they say its easier to see others faults than our own? Yeah it applies to me and everyone i think, so just give that a try.It depends on the issue, but since i dont know wuts the problem exactly thats the only advice i can give you.

Answer 2

I don't have the problem that you are having, but I've remarried. My first marriage occurred when I was 16 and ended when reality slapped me in the face three months later. The second time around, I was older, wiser, and went the other end of the spectrum to find someone compatible. Anyway, in working with alot of people in your situation, I've come to realize that without even thinking, most women/men find another mate with similiar characteristics as the old one. Which, of course, leads to the same arguements. I'm sure this man has far more qualities than the last, but if you had to take a piece of paper and write down their individual charateristics, I'm sure there are some similiarities. It means nothing more than you are attracted to a certain type of man. If I were you, I wouldn't focus on it too much. Simply look back to your past, and say "I've had this argument before and I've already learned from experience in how to handle it", then deal with it and move on to better things. It also helps not to blame the new guy for the old guys' mistakes. Afterall....he's the good guy! I wish you luck.

Answer 3

I was married for 17 years before I got a divorce and Now have been married for over 2 years. It may seem like the same arguments but remember it is with a different person and the outcome may not be the same. With life and kids there will always be similarities in events that come up. The main thing that will help is very open communication. If you can talk and listen to each other you can work it out.

Answer 4

If you are arguing about the same things, that is NOT a good sign. Some people learn from their mistakes, and others simply repeat them. Not knowing the specifics of what fight is being repeated makes it hard to give advise. For myself, I have been divorced twice, and am now married to an awesome man. We rarely fight (2 in 4 years) because I was careful to steer clear of the traits that caused trouble in my first two marriages.

Answer 5

I know what you mean - it's hard to forget the past, and certain situations can bring up the old "red flag" issues - just like before.

Sometimes the arguments ARE the same. Sometimes it really makes you wonder...

Just realize that this fella is NOT your Ex, and keep working at it. The worst thing you can do is to let it bottle up inside. Keep talking with him, and loving him, and you guys will be fine. Believe it or not, just a few days apart will usually do wonders - it helps you remember why you fell for this person in the first place.

Cheers - and best of luck.

JR

Answer 6

I know how you feel. My ex-husband did things all the time that made me mad. I like to tell everyone that our marriage ended because I couldn't get along with his girlfriend. My ex would spend money like it was going out of style, and never bring much of it home. He never wanted to do anything, but sit on the couch and watch TV. He would never get up in the middle of the night with our daughter, never watch her for me to have alone time, never cooked, never cleaned.....I was his mother pretty much. Now I am remarried to a wonderful man, but things do come up that make me think of the old days when my new husband does similar things. I don't take the time to think about how the reasons why they do similar things are different! When my new husband didn't get up with our son at first I was furious! Thought he was like my ex, but didn't stop to remember that even though I was at home with the baby all day, my husband was still working VERY long hours and was so exhausted himself he didn't hear the baby get up. My new husband use to be a chef, so no issues there, and he's a neat freak, again no issues there. But my new husband does spend money....a LOT of money, and I got madd about him making large purchases without me, but then again I forgot that my new husband makes a lot more money than my ex husband did and can afford to spend money without me having to worry. Once I got over that we have never had a disagreement about money since. Plus my husband realizes that he too has things that remind him of his ex and so he tells me now before making a large purchase and has trained himself to hear the baby wake up at night. Every once in a while he forgets about my ex and makes a joke about having a girlfriend. But I have to remember that he is joking! Sometimes it is hard to seperate the past from the present and you need to look and see if you arguing about the same things, or the same topics, but with a different problem. You may need to step back and evaluate the situation. Is this man......FOR BETTER OR WORSE......someone that you can spend the rest of your life with. And you can't "have to think about that". Either you know he is or not. If you can't answer that question within 2 seconds, than I would rec. not marrying this man. Atleast not yet, not until you are 100% sure. Especially when kids are involved. My ex has stepped out of the way and my new husband has adopted my daughter. My husband and I have NEVER raised our voices at each other, but we still have disagreements. Any normal relationship does......unless you're a stepford wife. I hope this has helped. I know it's hard to know if it's going to be different from the first, but I have a wonderful man and a wonderful life!

Answer 7

Well I might not be able to answer this one since the woman that divorced me and left me for another man came back and we married again since she found out the grass was not greener on the other side...but some of the same disagreements we had back then 6 yrs ago do come up..but we just try to work thur it the best we can..and this time the marraige is better than it was..

Answer 8

I am in my second marriage, also. This one unfortunately is ending in divorce, too. In my first marriage we basically got married because I was pregnant and we tried to make it work , but the first time he took a swing at me I packed up my daughters and left. In this marriage the abuse is more emotional and I have had enough after nine years. I know that the problem is mine. I pick men that I think are compatible with me, but they are not. I have been drawn to men who are fun and out going who only seem to be responsible, caring people, by the time I see the truth it is too late. This time I am going to counseling to see why I choose men that do not make me happy. If you want this relationship to last and are worried about the fights you are having suggest to your boyfriend that you both see a family/marriage counselor together. If the issues involved are this important to you, you need to find out why you are having the same arguments with this boyfriend that you had with your husband. By the way, my husband that I am divorcing also took on my daughters and one of the main reasons I am divorcing him is the way he treats our children. He screamed at his own 7-year-old son to "shut-the-f***-up!" because he was talking while his dad played a video game.

Answer 9

If it feels like deja vu, it probably is. Perhaps you attract, or are attracted to, a certain type of person - and you end up experiencing the same problems in your new relationship. I was married before, several years ago, to a very outgoing and charizmatic man - but who was tremendously irresponsibe in his daily life, always chasing the next best thing and forgetting to work on keeping what he already had. My current fiancé couldn't be more opposite; he's very quiet and unassuming, easy to miss in a crowd; but the longer I spend with him, the more things I discover in him for me to admire; he's brilliant in his work, has his finances in order, and is emotionally stable. There's no deja vu in this relationship, quite the opposite.

Answer 10

mycki, lmao , we are men, and you have just stumble on our conspiracy of world dominance by learning to argue the same points. ......... have you asked a neutral person if these same arguements of the new beu is legitament, you may not like the answer but you need to be extremely able to accept it. with that aside many relationships have to go through the passages to get stronger so you may to argue the same points all over, youll notice this same idiology with raising your children your going to have alot of the same arguements from each child at a certain point. good luck