What do you do when you know the people that are most important to you hate you even if they don't say it?

Question

I have always considered my family to be a very essential component of my life. I pretty much don't have that much life outside my home. Recently I made an important decision in my life that my parents didn't approve of. It's really not that outrageous, the choice I made. I always thought my parents loved me unconditionally. But now I discover that they don't. I was really shattered because as I said before they are the most important component of my life. I have discovered that what they really loved was what I represented not who I am. What I don't how to handle is this emotional turmoil that is going on with in me. I would have loved to move out and live my own life so that I wouldn't have to see those disappointed faces of theirs, but I can't afford to go out and live on my own. I have considered going to a monastery and becoming a nun but that's a bit out of line. If you have faced such a situation in your life please tell me how you overcome it.

Answer 1

Hi h88,

I don't know exactly what happened or exactly how your parents reacted, so it's hard to interpret things from this end.

I would say that it's very rare for people to love each other unconditionally -- even the ones who are good and well-intentioned sometimes fail, if the situation is immense enough.

For example, I know a good functional family where the son got his gf pregnant. The night he told his parents, they understandably "flipped out." Unconditional love might have been able to suck it up immediately, but the parents were both shocked and hurt and needed a little time to adjust and focus on moving on.

Which they did. They stuck with their son when he got married, supported his family as he finished schooling, sacrificed so that their son's marriage could stay together and so that the unplanned child could thrive. Because of their involvement, that son's marriage is thriving today -- surviving what could have been catastrophe with many other people.

So I think the parents DID act unconditionally with their son, but not perfectly, and not at first. Most people do much worse than they did.

Is it possible you are just still hurt by the initial shock, but that your parents ARE trying to adjust and will "come around" after a bit?

I've been on both sides now of the fence, as a kid and as a parent. It's scary being a kid and having to "go against" your parents in a large issue for the first time. [Mine was when I changed my major in college from what my father wanted it to be.]

I remember wanting to be validated and feel accepted, because I was scared how they'd react, and so everything seemed to hinge on that one event. I was V ERY sensitive to what they might say.

So there I am, placing a LOT of weight on my parents' reaction -- and they're listening to me throw them a real loop, and they can't afford to make a mistake because I'm expecting so much of them... Both sides have emotional interests at stake.

I can't really speak for your parents. Like I said, I don't know exactly what happened, or if they were bitter or just disappointed. But I know that, as hard as it is for you to make this big life decision, it's just as hard for the parent to learn how to "let go" and love their child when they're disappointed by a certain decision or their expectations are shattered.

From how you talk about them, it sounds like you love them very much, and that they have loved you well during your life, and that this is simply one of those little "earthquake" events that shakes things up and forces everyone to realign themselves. It's a growing experience; you will get through it, wiser and stronger. :)

If I were in your shoes, I'd (1) stay firm in my decision, (2) accept that my parents are human and are prone to be disappointed in a situation like this, and (3) keep loving them and staying in contact with them like you did before.

You simply need to give this one time. Don't throw away your relationship with your parents, if you value it, over this one event. Relationships change; people need time to adjust; nothing is static.

Don't hide or be ashamed of your decision; stay connected to your parents. Your putting up walls or avoiding them could derail a relationship that would have slowly fixed itself just by you and them remaining invested in each other.

Take care!

Answer 2

This is a tough situation, one that I can relate to as I always fell into the "pleaser" category, where I would regularly shelve my own thoughts, ideas, dreams, goals so that I could do what was wanted and expected of me by my parents.

I too thought that my parents love for me was unconditional., but I also found that it was not when I deviated from their goals for me and decided to make decision that best suited me and my choices. It has never been the same and that was almost 5 years ago. It may get much worse, as our communication broke down and they basically disowned me for my desire to live my own life and make my own choices.

However, you have to consider: who would you rather see more disappointed with the choices you make in life? When you look in mirror, or when you see your parents? I chose that the face in the mirror was more important, and I had grown tired of disappointing myself.

I applaud you for your efforts to take control of your own life and to do what you want instead of doing what everyone else wants you too. Life is short and there is no time to live for others, so continue making choices for yourself. In time your family may realize that the control that they sought over you was an abnormal extension of their love for you and will accept the fact that you have chosen to make your own decisions.

As far as getting out on your own, save money and try to get a roommate so that you can make the break from them, and things can begin to heal. Do not give up, you have taken the hardest step- to regress into that pattern will cause your further unhappiness and you deserve to be happy.

I lost many things in my life because I let my family influence my thoughts and actions to such an extent. Don't let that happen to you anymore, as it is time that you can't get back and as a normal person you are capable of making your own choices, should have your own opinions and should not fall prey to the emotional manipulation that parents and family often try to exert over children. Stand strong.

Good luck to you.

Answer 3

You deserve unconditional love, and your family definitely should be the people you rely on for that FOR LIFE.

It's hard to give advice when there's no detail about what your decision was, or how your family reacted, or how old you are. I'm assuming you're young and have no children.

First, ask yourself: Is it true that they 'don't love you?' Love isn't something you can give and withhold very easily. If you have ever been loved by them you are probably still loved, even though their actions are confusing you.

Before you take any drastic action, talk to the family members that are hurting you. They may really love you but are trying to make a point about how disappointed they are in you. They may not realize you are reading that as a loss of their love. If they're hurt by your decision, it may just be difficult for them to know how to react to you, and it's coming across badly. Just remember they're human just like you and don't always respond in the right way. Disappointment, hurt and failed expectations are not easy for anyone to deal with. Give them at least a little credit. Before you take any action, you should really give it some thought and a little time to see if they come around.

With that said, there are several ways to put space between you and people you need time away from. I'm not sure how old you are, but assuming you're 17 years old or older, you're in a position to do something about your circumstances. Here's some suggestions:

1) Join the military. A lot of people with little resources choose this route. This might be controversial, but it's a legitimate choice, and it will even help you put yourself through college if you don't have your family's support. You'll also meet people and make new lifelong friends.

2) Find a job that increases your income and look for a roommate situation you can afford. There are a lot of options. Craigslist.com actually has listings all the time of people looking to rent out rooms in their homes for relatively cheap.

3) Try to move in with other family members temporarily. If you don't have a job but really need to move out fast, maybe contact a relative, either near your home or in another state. They may be willing to take you in while you find a job and get your life settled.

4) Try to move in with a friend. Just make sure it's temporary so you don't strain the relationship. Use that time to decide what your next step in life will be, and then take action.

5) If you don't have the resources to move right now, realize that you are in control of your life and your future even though you feel trapped right now. Start today making the right decisions for your future. Success isn't one decision. It's a series of little decisions. You can become independent and financially secure if you start now in planning out your future. You need to figure out what you want your life to look like in five or ten years and start making those "little decisions" to get there.

Just realize your family probably does love you. You just need to talk with them. And if that doesn't work remember that the pain and disappointment they feel is messing with their emotions and affecting their behavior. They probably don't intend for you to feel unloved. Talk to them before taking any action to separate from them. Life is hard enough without alienating your family and losing their lifetime support.

Answer 4

i have never been a big proponent of families based solely on blood lines. real families can also be made up of people who do love and respect you. they're called families of choice. let's face it: people do, and will, suck. and it's practically inevitable that everyone you know will, eventually, do something that hurts you.

my parents turned their backs on me, but not because i did something bad or was a bad person. they had two other children who both turned out to be horrible people, so, they spent their time and energy on them and made them their primary focus. me, i was a good kid, so they figured i could get along on my own. and after the initial hurt, i have done that. i'm on my own and i don't let them hurt me anymore.

i know everyone will say you should go and see a counselor, and, really, it's not such a bad thing. it won't make your parents pull their heads out of their you-know-whats, but it will give you someone to talk to that will help validate your feelings.

i would stay out of the house as much as i could (but not by breaking rules or curfews) or in my room. avoid these people, but be pleasant. and don't sit around feelling sorry for yourself. that'll only make you doubt the choice you've made. use that emotion to work on you to make you a stronger person. if you're serious about it, start socking the money away so you can move out.

remember; your life is your own. you don't need people in your life who hurt you. i don't care who they are.

i wish you all the best.

Answer 5

I'm sure they probably don't hate you - they just severely disapprove of the choice you have made, and are having trouble adjusting. Give it some time. Sometimes parents have a hard time realizing that you are your own person with your own ideas, not just a product of them! Keep saving your money, and when you can move out, do. Surround yourself with people who are going to uplift you, not bring you down.

I always thought my parents and i were close. Sometimes i make decisions that my parents don't approve of, and one time i got really in trouble for a choice i had made. it was really hard for my mom to understand me for a few months after that and she made me feel VERY guilty and bad about myself for what i had done, but after a while she has come around to supporting me again. Keep doing what you think is right, even if it isn't what your parents think. Eventually they will learn to respect your opinion, even if they don't agree with it. Good luck!

Answer 6

You look for ways to deal with the awful realization you've come to . In order to keep your perspective and plan for your future , you must, above all , stay focused .Tune out the things or people who bring major stress to your lives , even if it is your loved ones. Unless you already have aspirations to enter a monastery -you would just be doing "penance".
Plan for your future with ever fiber of your being . Make a new life for yourself . When your own relatives abuse the privilege of your love for them-it's time to look for love in other places and don't look back -providing you are now an adult . IF you are a child
( which I rather doubt)- discuss this with another adult you are close to .

Answer 7

I don't know your situation,but I could not see your parents not loving you.They ain't always going to like your decisions but if you are an adult they need to accept it.I decided to get married at 17 both my parents were against it,they were disappointed but they still loved me.I kinda wish I would have listened because I was divorced a short time after.The only good thing that came out of it is my babygirl.They still love you!They just don't understand why you want whatever it is you want.

Answer 8

I assume that you are under age 18. To answer your question I need to know the important decision you made. Maybe your parents have a reason not to approve your decision and in that way to protect you. You have to know always that they love you not matter what.

Answer 9

I think you should really learn to live with it. My parents never approve what I did. Even when applying to Grad School and getting full sholarship to attend, my mother's reaction was "Why didn't you apply to some of the top schools? Harvard for example?" I really cannot ever be good enough for her. I guess it is just because parents try to live out their dreams through their children, or just the type of people they are... Well, just try to ive with it. With time everything will be past and forgotten...

Answer 10

You have to live your own life and make your own decisions. You did not share with us what this decision is so it is difficult for us to give an opinion based on both sides. They are just shocked...Give them time...They do not hate you

My children have done and said a lot of things that have upset me, I have tried my best on many occasions not to over re-act but I am sure I have. I love my children dearly....