Women only..how would you react if you found out boyfreind had questionable past?

Question

I used to be a hard-core heroin addict...I used for ten years straight..Youd never know it if you met me i have totally straightened up my life and am doing quite well...Im aprehensive about dating though...most women are very put off my my past and dont seem to give me a chance if they now about my past right off the bat...Should I keep from new women I meet..or be honest...ive been doing the honesty thing latley and it hasen been paying off..help Im 31 and dont want to be single forever

Answer 1

I admire you for getting and staying clean, good for you! That is quite an accomplishment.

When you are dating, it is not advised to reveal too much too soon. Don't get me wrong, I am not promoting you lie to anyone, ever. I am suggesting you take it slow and get to know someone as they get to know you. When you start to share personal things about your lives, that is when you disclose something like this.

I have a personal and serious question for you; during the time you used, did you contract anything that you could pass along to a girlfriend? If so, it is really important you disclose that too.

In answer to your question, how would I react? I'd be concerned about the following; what diseases did you contract while using? What got you started on such a hard drug at such an early age? How long have you been clean? Are you in a program to keep you accountable?

I hope you don't give up hope. The right person will come along when you least expect it. Take care.

Answer 2

Don't be honest right off the bat especially the first date. My boyfriend told me about his drug use, but it didn't phase me. But most people are judgement and ignorant, and won't understand you former condition. Don't lie about it, but don't tell them about until they get to know the new you first. What would give you an idea of whether or not they will accept you or not is to get there opinion about drug users by bringing up the topic inadvertantly. Watch some episodes of cops and see what there reaction is. Or just bring up the classic situation, 'I have a friend that used to use drugs, what would you do.' Her reaction should be good enough for you to decide whether see will accept it or not.

You should exactly like my boyfriend accept he was still using behind my back. He is 31, a former cocaine addict, and has a criminal record. I can tell you it hasn't been an easy ride. However, he is trying to get his life together and has improved dramatically. He doesn't have anything in his life material wise, but he is such a wonderful person inside. I am not judgemental because i understand the brain mechinisms that lead to addictions. The fact is, you yourself may possibly go back to using in the future. But you might not. What you have done is no more than admirable, incredible, and significant. Most people will never understand what you have been through, and the absolute ****hole you have dug yourself out of. I admire you and would love to be with a former addict because you know what it is to love and lose. But let me give you a personal example of what I experienced with my boyfriend.

I know my boyfriend might do the same, but i also know that he has the strenght to get right back on track when he stumbles. He has shone me that it is possible to change yourself no matter how hopeless it seems. I tried to be there for him but often became selfish and weak, and I'm sorry i wasn't able to help him out in those times. I stand my ground and don't enable him. He is humbled because of his experiences and has more character than any non-addict could ever have. I love him because he is real, and don't judge people like other ignorant people do. Most people think they are perfect and don't accept mistakes that they have never made. I care about my man and will be there for him when he falls to pick him back up. I know that he will be there to do the same. That is all that matters, that he is a good person and on his way to complete change.

Answer 3

How long have you been sober or clean? I guess most women want to hear at least 2 yrs or more... But if you are a good guy, who is looking to meet a good woman and settle down and live a normal life- with out troubles with drugs, or the law... and you plan of being faithful and being good to her... then you should hold off on telling the new woman for about 2 or 3 months... I mean if you are totally changed person and you know in your heart of hearts you will never go back to that life style - and you are a new man - then you have to be who you are now and not focus on the past.

My boyfriend wasn't into drugs, but he had troubles with law and I won't go into detail - but he did things in his past that shocked me and were things I would never do. But he is a good man now and he treats me wonderfully and he is faithful and he is making something good of his life now. He is lucky too that I am not the kind of girl that gets mad or jealous about his past. It is in the past. I have a past too.

I don't mean to sound religious, but if Jesus saves you and you are a new person - and the old person is in the past - you have a clean slate. The past is forgiven and it doesn't matter anymore.

When you do tell her about your past - be kind and only let a little out at a time so she doesn't get over whelmed. If she is a keeper you have a long time to give her the whole story. In little doses. After 2 yrs I'm still finding out little things about my mans past - stuff that isn't so pretty - but now I'm like "whatever - I know he is a good man and I'm going to keep him."

Good luck to you - hope you find a good one and treat her good.

Answer 4

Congratulations on your success at staying clean. That is no small feat. I agree that you do not need to share that information until you have been dating someone a while unless a person asks you specifically about your past. It can be a bit overwhelming for a person that you have just met to be given that kind of information. Because in the first few dates we are not always sure that the other person is long term material. Let your actions show how well you are doing. Just relax and let a woman get to know the person you are now. Good luck.

Answer 5

I would be honest with them. By this I dont mean wear a sign and mention it the same time youre asking them out the 1st time. Once you know the girl, and you feel you can trust her or youve been going out for a bit, then I would tell her. If youre nervous about just spilling, you can test the water a bit. Maybe find a way to bring up the topic in general convo or watch a movie together with a similar undertone. Trust me, the worst thing you can do is lie. The past always comes back to bite you in the butt if you don't tell the truth.

Good Luck to you and Congrats on being clean. It takes a strong person to do it. Youve got my respect.

Answer 6

You know it's funny you ask this; because my husband now was quite a player in his younger days. I mean parties, many parties, girls, many different girls, strip bars etc... I was quite the wild one also and as you was into the drug period and almost lost my life over it, but thank God the man upstairs had other plans for me.!!! Me and my husband have learned about each other over the years, we know everything little thing about each other, and we do not hold anything against each other, nor do we judge each other for what we have done in the past. Life is a learning process,and if we do the wrong things in life and we experience all that life has out there wether good or bad. We become a much better, stronger person in the long run. We both know what it is like to be out in the true world, and we have no regrets no desire to go back. We help each other day to day and fall more in love with each other each day. I know that this sounds like fairy tales and dreams, but SOUL MATES really do exist and when you meet yours, past will not be an issue at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 7

First of all let me say Congratulations! You have beat a terrible addiction and you have straightened your life out...
Second of all...I am a firm believer in NO REGRETS! Yes, you screwed up your life at one point but all of the things you did, said, and experienced have made you the man you are today. "Let thee without sin cast the first stone!" I also believe in honesty. Now if you meet a girl don't say oh btw, I was a heroin addict...give it time when you begin to share time together explain that you have done things in your past that you are not proud of, things that you have had to overcome and conquer then explain the situation to her. If she is an adult and sincere in the feelings she is developing for you then she will understand. I can tell you one fear that anyone in this situation will possibly struggle with is a relapse...some people let their fear get the best of them causing them to flee...Don't give up hope...you will find happiness and the woman that comes along will not care what you did then but who you are NOW! Good luck to you!

Answer 8

Being honest is best. Being with a person who can't accept you for the person you are now because they condemn you for the person you were in the past is a waste. You will always feel somewhat guarded with that person because you are hiding the truth from and the truth always surfaces...sometimes sooner and other times later but it's best to put it out there so whatever happens can happen from the start and not after you have dedicated your heart to someone and are married with children. Good luck and congratulations on being free of drugs.

Answer 9

Personally I would see you as a very strong and determined person to have cleaned yourself up and no longer be on drugs. You should be honest because if a relationship is gonna work it has to start off with honesty. Better than her finding out later and seeing it as a lie and a secret rather than a problem you once had and got yourself out of it. The only concern I would have would be if you were a needle user i'd insist on blood tests before having sex with you, unless you were always a "clean" user. Congratulations on your sobriety :)

Answer 10

I think that if you are honest about it that they should see it as a step in the right direction. So many times people hide things. I mean that might not be what you want to open up with in the ifrst conversation, but they should still know and if you are different now and they can see it then they shouldnt have a problem. If they do its on them. just keep trying things happen when they happen.