What to do when "I'm sorry" becomes meaningless?

Question

How would you deal with someone who routinely ignores you, tunes you out, disregards what's important to you (because it's unimportant to him)?

I'm well-aware that all of us have much too much on on plates (and minds), and I don't expect people to hang onto my every word or deed, but it is so hurtful to me when things I say are clearly tuned out. I stop speaking mid-sentence to see if he's really listening; he has never, ever noticed.

Yes, I've tried many, many times to sensitize him by telling him how hurtful it is to me. He apologizes -- genuinely seems contrite -- but unfailingly repeats the insulting, demeaning behavior.

I'm sick of the I'm-sorries, sick from being ignored, and just don't know what to do.

Answer 1

I say take that adorable orange kitty in your picture and cuddle with it. That will make you feel better

Answer 2

Hello Macguffin.I am sorry to hear about your delima. I think we all have , at times , felt as though we were being ignored and chances are , we we right. I'd like to add that there are people , and many more than you'd believe , that are mentally multi-tasked . Where as , most people have difficulty talking and chewing gum , these folk can accomplish numerous tasks as they prepare dinner. First off , Is Mr. Macguffin , one of those people ? I mean is he abled to accomplish much more that you thought he'd be abled to do in most situations. I don't mean , his organizational skills. Anyone , with some managerial skills can deligate and appear as though they are a genius. What I'm asking is about an extended period of time. For instance , over a month or so , as daily conversations continue into many subjects and some involving chores...etc that must be accomplished , do they suddenly happen ? Again , I'm not speaking about simplistics , like the garbage or the garage. Important issues that will impact some lasting endeavor ? Is he somehow abled to pull these things together in an almost miraculous fashion ? Please understand that I am in no way attempting to discount your concern nor am I trying to make excuses for his behavior. I believe that an apology ought represent ones sincere desire to verbally guarantee that every attempt will be made to assure that this apology won't have to be repeated. If it is encountered again then those efforts will be greately increased to make certain they never become problematic. For a problem to become a habit , means that no effort has been given and the meaning of the apology becomes useless. The worst case senario into this catagory are the people that blatantly offend you with an apology that goes something like this :" Hey Mrs. Macguffin , I am really sorry for my actions. I normally don't act that way but when you ......ect." Heard it before ? As if you had somehow had the power over that person to cause them to act irrationally . So , to answer your question ,If he is not the mental genius I spoke of in the beginning then he must be without feelings. This is especially true if you have told him about the way you feel and it has fallen upon deaf ears. I'm sorry to say that the recommendation is not good but chances are that he is not willing to change for you or the relationship. Unfortunately , this is probably the way he has been for a long time and until he faces up to it , then nothing you can do , or say , will matter. You need to seperate yourself from this behavior before you are emotionally scarred. The world is full of cold , callosed and uncaring people but we aren't required to become one of them. Good Luck. I hope this has helped.

Answer 3

You have tried your best and it has not worked, things seem to not matter to him, Since this question was posted in the marriage section I assume you are married? You may want to seek some kind of counseling, OR try to sit down with him and ask HIM what the deal is on his end, what are his feeling, needs and wants and then if you guys are not on the same page, then it is definatly time to move on.
You mention "repeats the insulting, demeaning behavior." That sounds like an emotional abuse kind of thing happening and he is being hurtful and disregards you, there is a lack of respect and afterall, couples need to be a team, 50/50 or it will not work. You can hold different roles and different positions but in the end you should have the same common goal and desire for life in general.

Respect needs to go both ways, seems he is shutting down or shutting you out and there may be a bigger reason behind that, Are there problems with his career? Or maybe his family? Depending on your ages and place you are in life, you may be more mature than he is and more ready for things that he is not ready for... or he may be more of a career minded person and only thinks of those kinds of things.
Communication may help get into it a bit more as far as his behavior and actions, there may be a way you can work things out and come to a middle where you will both be happy.

If not, and if everything has been exhausted then unfortunatly it is time to move on, life is far too short to waste on a dead end thing.

Answer 4

Dude, crying does help, only figure others are not helping yet you do not apreciate being observed. Love will teach you so much, let your feelings go, say what you have left to the hurting person and truth will dawn to you: she loves you, what you are is important and no matter what, after this lonely time everything is the way you like it and the way others work it out too. Apologizing is never meaningless because there is always someone you love on the other side, if that person does what he or she does is because of being confortable and amiable. Take a joke and blame the devil. It is hard sometimes, do not take the examples, they are never worth it.

Answer 5

When sorry becomes meaningless it means its high time step ur foot and move on,becuz its not working.
When someone routinely ignores U or disregards U it means that that person is a piece of ****.He doesn't share that feeling for U as U do.He seems to be having personal affair issues with others which has been kept secret from U and his mates do know it.
Well,when he is getting his cake to eat why should he bother.Deaf ears is a method of not caring and lack of empathy from that person towards U.
He seems to not have found that spark of love feelings either from his end for U.Shows lack of interest.
Well your last question is simple,how do u want to live your life and get yourself treated?
You got to talk to your guy with the help of parents or close friends help or personally your'll both have to discuss your issues and come to terms & resolve.Or the next choice is what & how wud U do things to make U happy.Only U can decide that.
Remenber u r born to deserve the Best becuz u r the best!!!!

Answer 6

One word: Boundaries!

Start coming up with "Plan B's" by writing notes and leaving them there where they can be found, ask him to repeat back what you said, take them to have their hearing checked (my husband is actually partially deaf!), and treat them the way you want to be treated. If none of those work, see a Therapist, and if that doesn't work, just go on with your life!!!

Do you honestly can't function your own life without him? Have you instilled you identity upon him? Look up the definitions of "Enabler" and "Co-Dependency". Once you can remove yourself from those definitions, get over him and move on. Don't terminate the relationship, just get out and enjoy life. However if you should decide that you are a prize to be won, then find someone who will give you the attention you deserve. There are much more better choices and options out there for you!!!

The frequent sorries mean as much as the paper they are written on. Saying it and meaning it are two different things. He knows he can say it without it bringing about change in his mindset! If he was sorry, he would do the changing and not expect you to accept an empty sorry.

God bless you!

Answer 7

I love this question, and need to say how badly I feel that you are being ignored, by someone who can behave a little nicer toward you. Have you tried to explain to this person what the difference between "I'm sorry and I apologize" are many people don't know the difference. I'm sorry is that you willfully and without any care for that persons feelings caused them emotional or physical pain. An apology means that you were in error but it was not willful, accidental. It seems that this person doesn't care about your feelings, that is not fair to you. You need and deserve someone who will listen and care about your feelings. If you want things to change, then lay it out on the table. Making sure the person understands that you aren't playing around. Things need to change is a good starter.

Answer 8

Communication is important for any relationship. But just like everything else in a relationship it has to be a two way channel and both of you must want it. Try to find out more about what sort of things he might actually find interesting to discuss and try to be interactive as much as possible instead of just chirping away (I mean it in an affectionate way). Once you know if it is an issue of if he is not interested in what you are saying or simply he is not interested in you at all no matter what you talk about then it is time to really evaluate if you should go on with your relationship. But make sure you get down to the roots and facts and don't jump into conclusions at the heat of the situation. You say we all have a lot in our minds, so why don't you start by finding out what is in his mind so important or drastic that could cloud your words out?

Answer 9

Even if your common interests are on the short side, the things that are truly important to you should not be ignored. It's forgivable for an occasional slip, but constantly ignoring you? Right after being "apologised" to, tell him what you wanted to talk about earlier. If you get tuned out, then it's time to be independant and move on.
If he genuinely pays attention, follow up with agreeing to spend a couple minutes every day to specifically talk to each other about what's happening. Wait until that time to talk about the important stuff. Also, be sure to give him his chance to speak. If things still don't start improving even then, you really need to move on.
Finally, only go to counselling if you're both interested. Forcing him would only make things worse.

Answer 10

If you get tuned out, then it's time to be independant and move on.
If he genuinely pays attention, follow up with agreeing to spend a couple minutes every day to specifically talk to each other about what's happening. Wait until that time to talk about the important stuff. Also, be sure to give him his chance to speak. If things still don't start improving even then, you really need to move on.
Finally, only go to counselling if you're both interested. Forcing him would only make things worse.

Answer 11

Well it seems that you have exhausted any options that you yourself can do. The next step to someone who is so unresponsive would be to go to couples counseling or marriage counseling if this is in fact your husband or bf which I think he is.

That is the only option left - find someone, make an appt and take him with you - if need be don't tell him where you are going. If he is totally not willing to this may be the end of your relationship. He is not giving you what you need at all and relationships are based on communication, trust, and respect and it sounds like maybe all or at least 2 of those are not present in this relationship.

It sounds like you have been patient and I feel for you - I am sure you are hurting. You have to give yourself credit for trying so hard over and over again. Things will get better but you have to find some way to get through to him or give him some space and maybe he will realize it himself if you stop mentioning it -