ok... I married one year ago. I had four boys from a previous marriage and my husband had a daughter. This is going to be long, but for those of you who care to read.... or care in general, take a look and let me know what you think. I am a real idiot. YES, I know this, so please dont write that... as I dont and cant listen to anymore b/s. During the time we were dating, which we met over the internet, but talked for three mos before we even decided to officially meet. I flew down to see him, and yes... I was scared to death. I never in my mind thought I would do such a thing... but I guess I was living a harley kind of life. Anyhow, I flew down and met him. He didnt want to go anywhere because he told me that in his line of work it was dangerous. I was naive and dumb enough to believe him. I had NEVER slept with a man outside of marriage and WHOOPS... I did with him. At that time I also didnt know what to think, but he was decent in bed, in fact pretty good, except I think he didnt .
2006-08-31
04:26:27
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26 answers
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asked by
hotbushfireblonde
1
in
Family & Relationships
➔ Marriage & Divorce
know that he had to please the woman first then get himself off. Anyhow, that hasnt changed at all... and we have been married two years. I am always the pleasing party and to get off, I do that myself. Regardless, I thought this would get better and maybe he was in-experianced... so I let that go. I had paid for all the airline tickets for us to see each other... and we decided also that I should move to Colorado from Washington state, due to a job transfer that he would get from Kansas to Colorado. Anyhow, I moved there, sold all that I had, raised more money working my *** literally off, working some half *** waitressing job to get everything in order and nice for when he was to move there. During that time, he believed, or thought of me to be cheating around, which I never ever did. I called him everyday and was faithful to the bone. IN fact, I called him at least 3 times a day running a phone bill up well over hundreds of dollars a month. HE cheated on me three times, I didnt find
2006-08-31
04:30:13 ·
update #1
I didnt find this all out until later, a year after we had our baby girl on the way, when I was 9 mos pregnant. I was devistated. ON top of this, while I was pregnant he went around telling everyone at his job he wanted to bone the cpts. secretary. That I found out while waiting to pick him up from work, through a enemy of his at his work. I was also crushed by that. He has never done a thing special for me as a suprise and our first anniversary, valentines, etc.... NOTHING! We did nothing. Now, my birthday is Saturday and I said, " What are you and I doing? " He said, " Nothing! We didnt do a thing for my birthday and I am doing nothing for yours." I replied that we didnt do anything for his birthday because he was broke and that all the other holidays I did very special things for him and he didnt do a damn thing for me, he brought in a cake and the neighboor kids for my birthday last year. I was hurt. When our daughter was born, he didnt even get flowers. I was devistated. Anyhow///
2006-08-31
04:34:09 ·
update #2
now, we have had sex 2 times in the last 3 weeks, which is because I told him I was sick of doing him and doing all the work. He said, " Oh, now you wont get anything!" I dont get it. I am FARRRRRRRR from ugly and I dont understand what I am doing wrong. I have sat him down so many times and talked to him I am blue from it. I have written him emails, talked, my sisters have talked to him, he tells me weekly if I dont like it to get out. HE tells me that he cheated and doesnt care because he doesnt feel that he is good enough for me. WTF??????????? I am so damn depressed!
2006-08-31
04:36:34 ·
update #3
JOHN... I don't get it. It's not all there? Or your not all there!! lmao
2006-08-31 04:29:26
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answer #1
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answered by ღсяаՀу∙թіхіе∙ժմѕτღ 6
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Hey, you're not being "sensitive". If even half of what you have written here is true, then you married a real @sshole. First, there's nothing wrong with how you met him; people meet online all the time, sometimes it's long-distance. Second, there's nothing wrong with sleeping with a man outside marrriage - this is how you experience things, and figure out what you want from a relationship. Third, there's nothing wrong with trusting a person and working hard to be with a man you love. Don't be beating yourself up for ANY of that. It is true that you probably ignored some warning signs... but you're not alone in that - and this does not give him an excuse to treat you like dirt. He's very selfish, and he doesn't care about you - this is the only possible conclusion. He won't change; I hope you have a way to get out and start over. Good luck!
2006-08-31 12:23:03
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answer #2
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answered by Anonymous
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Well, I read most of this but that's because there wasn't a need to read all of it to see what's going on. This isn't about abuse, it's about "Respect" or lack thereof should I say. Neither one of you respects each other. You don't respect him because of the way he is treating you and he doesn't respect you because you are not standing your ground, adhering to your core values and letting someone mannipulate you all the time. Therefore, your marriage is one of necessity. A marriage that exists because you're unsure of what to do next.
What I think you need to do is take a moment (a long moment-maybe an hour or two alone) and write down exactly what it is that is important for you to have in your life-both from yourself and from a mate. Is it compassion? Spiritual connect? Love? Nurturing? Partnership? Affection? Mutual Respect? Mutual Interests? Workaholic? What defines you as a person? Do you have values? What are they based on? Forget about the role models you had growing up-for example, if your parents had a bad relationship and you came from a broken home- that doesn't matter now. Think about what it is that will help you to be complete. Now, if you and your husband don't share these values (and I can confidently say that not only don't you but you've never even discussed it) than you're a match made out of desperation, loneliness, needs, convienience and what have you. You are NOT a relationship made out of respect, love, understanding, compassion, SUPPORT, team effort, partnership, etc. A marriage without these things is a union that can't stand the test of time. you don't have ANY of the qualities present in your relationship to withstand anything hence he thought you were cheating,,,,, that says that the first little delima that comes along, he jumps to unrealistic conclusions. That's because you don't have a foundation to your relationship. There is nothing substancial for either one of you to grab a hold of in the littlest of hard times. You need to lift yourself up, agree to giving yourself what you need and deserve, work towards getting it for you and your children and NEVER look back-only forward. Set the example for your children and give yourself that gift. We all deserve it BUT we have to work at it.
We attract what we are so if we want better, we need to be better. :)
2006-08-31 11:48:29
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answer #3
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answered by Dr. Phil-lys 4
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OK some of the people said this is not abuse, well its not physical abuse obviously but it is emotional/mental abuse, and he sounds so similar to my ex-husband. I actually met him on the Internet as well but we had no children together thank goodness. Well he obviously needs counseling but if he's anything like my ex he won't go for it. So what i did is packed up my son and my cat and left, let me tell you i have never been happier, i was scared to death at first and it was hard but it is the best thing that i ever did. I am now happily divorced and i have been dating a guy for 6 months and he is so good to me and we are really taking things slow. How your husband is treating you is cruel and you don't deserve it, you can do so much better, no woman deserves that kind of mental cruelty. No one can tell you what to do , its all up to you i just wanted to let you know how i handled a situation very similar to yours. Good Luck.......
2006-08-31 13:50:05
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answer #4
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answered by cslynn1980 3
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I definitely can see where this is abuse- emotional abuse! You are unhappy and depressed and it seems that he is the source of these feelings- You are partially to blame too- because you jumped into this relationship with unrealistic expectations-
Now the decision is yours - Do you stay and try to work this out with him , with counseling maybe or cut your losses and start over?
You sound like a resourceful lady, and although it may be hard I'm sure you can make it without him!
In the emotional state that you are in you cant give your kids your best and they deserve your best!
Next time choose a partner carefully - someone who will enhance you and build you up as a person - NOT TEAR YOU DOWN!!!!
2006-08-31 11:59:34
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answer #5
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answered by Pisces Princess 4
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What do you want to do?
He obviously doesn't want to change anything, so now what?
Sounds like you both are very unhappy and and before things get worse, it maybe time to through in the white towel and try to make a better life for you and your children. (remember I am only going by the bit of information you just gave)
Your unhappiness does reflect on the children around you and him. You may not see it now because your so wrapped up in the situation. But if you can step out of the picture for a minute you will see what your children are seeing and feeling. Including the baby.
2006-08-31 11:48:25
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answer #6
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answered by smiley 2
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Something seems to be missing at the end as I read this.
I did not see what your reference was to abuse.
I have however known a few that dated over the net and ended up having problems and things just donot work out all the time yet some have good sucess. may be you need to re-write and come to the point of what you feel may be abuse. we could all give you better answers.
2006-08-31 11:32:39
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answer #7
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answered by apostle1938 4
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This is not abuse, but you sound extremely unhappy and jumped into a relationship to put a band-aid on a lonely life. Now, this band-aid has peeled off and left the wound festering. I'm thinking the situation is not going to get better, quite honestly. But I don't know you or him, just what you've written. It sounds like you're looking for permission to end it. ???
2006-08-31 11:34:20
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answer #8
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answered by Karen? 3
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I am not even going to read what everyone else wrote. And no, I am not going to call you an idiot.
Here is my strait up advice:
Pull every bit of energy out of yourself and LEAVE THIS S O B!!!!!
Damn!!!!!!!!!!!! You have already proven from your past that you can and WILL work your butt off for something you want....now do the SAME and leave this A$$..............You do NOT DESERVE THIS and/or poor treatment to you....WTF? Nice comment he made about not celebrating your birthday. If that was told to me, I would feel like a dime, and be heartbroken.....the loser wants to know why HIS stupid birthday wasn't celebrated....THERE WANS'T ANY MONEY TOO!!! What part of that did the LOSER not understand??????????
I can't type any more.....this joke of a so-called man has pissed me off entirely.................
LEAVE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2006-08-31 11:47:14
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answer #9
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answered by Anonymous
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You ARE too good for him and he's an emotional abuser. Get out now...because living with this guy will make you stir crazy. You've already accepted his cheating...so your self-esteem is shot NOW....it will ony get worse. Stop living a harley kind of life because that isnt you and never was....you are too sensible for this BS and need to protect your babes.
2006-08-31 11:45:14
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answer #10
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answered by Scully 4
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You could say you are being abused mentally with his stupidness. You just want to be treated like a wife. He needs to grow up sometime. Keep your threat real of no sex and see if he comes around. If it doesn't get any better you might want to leave him. God bless.
2006-08-31 11:52:27
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answer #11
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answered by Anonymous
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