My husband of 3 years has recently wanted to be more independent...is this normal?

Question

My husband and I have been married for 3 years. Recently, over the past few weeks he has been acting more distant and wanting to be more independent... not hanging out with me as much anymore, but spending more tme away from the house with friends, etc. He isn't as affectionate with me anymore. I confronted him and he states that he still wants to be married and be with me and that "he'll always love me" but just wants to "find himself" since for the past few years he's been "a couple" and not "a person".He is a very independent person and most people I've talked with say that this is normal for a guy to go through? I am 100% sure he's not cheating or anything, but I'm afraid he's sick of me and is bored in our marriage. Is this normal? What should i do???

Answer 1

Yes, I think it's very normal, for a man or a woman to go through something like this. You shouldn't jump to any conclusions or assume the worst. In order to love another person, we need to be secure in who we are and have a good sense of ourselves. Would you rather have a husband who does interesting things and can come home and have an exciting conversation about his day, or one who does the same thing, and has the same conversation every day?

I think most people go through things like this, and you should use the opportunity to learn more about yourself too. Maybe there's a hobby you've always wanted to pick up, but it wasn't something your husband was interested in learning- now's the time to do something for you. You guys aren't just "so-and-so's husband" or "so-and-so's wife". You each have unique personalities which is undoubtedly what attracted you to each other in the first place. Don't let that go just because you're married. Being in a loving relationship with someone doesn't mean you have to be attached at the hip.

Answer 2

Ack! Why do people think that if someone is distant, they're cheating?? (Not you, previous answers.)
His behavior is normal for MOST people, not just men. Ask how you can help him, and let him know how important he is to you. You are married, not joined at the hip. Be supportive, and encourage him to do something to get out of his blues (school, a sports team, something other than hanging out at a bar every Friday night).
Ask yourself what you would ask him to do for you if you needed some space. If he is spending a lot more time with friends, they could be encouraging him to do even more of that. It's a vicious cycle.
Marriage isn't ever 50/50. Sometimes it 90/10, sometimes its 40/60...you get the idea. Just talk it out, but don't be confrontational, or give ultimatums. Let him know what you need from him also. Tell him you love him everyday, and keep regular plans together, too. Good luck.

Answer 3

It is normal for the intensity of the relationship to wax and wane during a marriage. It is also normal for spouses to need and to have friends and activities outside of the marriage.

Marriage is not a promise to feel the same way about someone for the rest of your life. You've been married for three years. You know that your husband is a friend, lover, confidant, parent (?), ally, and occasionally a foe. You can't possibly feel the same way all the time about someone who has so many roles in your life.

Marriage is a promise to put your spouse first as much as possible and to work on the relationship to maintain and improve it regularly.

All that said, if you feel that your marriage is in (a little) trouble, it probably is (a little).

I think you should restart the relationship. Ask him on dates. Become a better friend. Romance him. Smooch him. Seduce him all over again. And, work on the friendship. If you have kids, do some child-related volunteer work together. If not, plan a project around the house and do it to together.

BTW, someone else on Y!A suggested the website below. It has been useful.

Answer 4

I'm very sorry, but I would have to side with all of those who have said it is not normal and yep he might be cheating. My first marriage was exactly like this after only a couple of years. I later found out that he had been dating this toothless bit** that had a kid. This devistated me and made me feel so insecure with myself for the first time in life. When I confronted him later he said that I made him feel insecure. What kind of explanation is that???? I 'm sorry still feeling those emotions of hurt even now oooops. There is a good side to my story. I am remarried to a man now for 13 years and we still go just about everywhere together. We still talk on the phone two or three times a day while at work. We love to go out and eat, movies, fishing, motorcycle riding definitly!!! and other things. We live strongly by the concept if we get to a point where we want to do things seperatley then why be married??? Really isn't that why we get married because we want to be together and share our lives, dreams and have children and watch them grow up and suceed; because of the love and support of our togetherness in them that helps them to understand what life can really be like. I once heard a statement and most people don't believe in it and it is as follows( We our here on the earth for one sole purpose and that is to love and be loved) If only it were really like that. What a wonderful place it would be....

Answer 5

Read between the lines. This is not normal behaviour. I'd keep my eyes peeled for someone on the side because these are tell tale signs. If not, it still means your relationship is in trouble. A marriage needs intimacy and solidarity to work. Without commitment from both sides, your relationship WILL die. I suggest you talk to him about getting counselling. He will fight it, because 1) he can't see the error in his ways 2) the person that's drifting is almost always the one that doesn't want to confront that there is a problem.

But do not allow yourself to deny that your marriage is headed for the rocks. Sorry, and good luck.

EDIT

Don't listen to GMAKES or whatever at the top of the list. Relationships have ups and downs, but need both partners to fight for survival when the going gets tough. It's not over till the skinny chick throws in the towel. Get him back.

Answer 6

I agree with the voted best answer on this one. I would also be super affectionate, loving, supported. Do all the stuff to remind her how much you love her and that she loves you. Bring her home flowers. Plan a night out or in with her favorite meal. Watch a movie that you know she will love or does love. Be romantic, be loving be the you that loves her and believes in her. REMIND HER. Tell her how much you love her and how grateful you are that you two are together and that you want to be closer. Talk to her. Ask her is there anything more I can give to you? How can I love you the way you want to be loved? Do you feel loved by me? Do I meet your needs? There is a great book "HIS NEEDS< HER NEEDS" I love it. Very helpful stuff. Little things matter. Help around the house more. Be more up front in your sons life and the marriage. Talk about a vaccation to plan even if it is for next summer. Tell her you want to start saving so you would like to discuss where she may want to go. Good luck.

Answer 7

I have been married for five years and I have been through this myself. Part of it was that i felt like i missed out on so much because i got married too young and another part was that when i got married i lost a lot of my un-married friends and i missed all the times we use to have. I think everyone goes through this eventually and they all deal with it in thier own way. I am sure he still loves you every bit as much as he did he is just confused right now and feeling like he has a lost a piece of his past or himself. Back off a little and give him some time he will come back and realize he doesn't miss his past life because he has such a wonderful current life. I did. I went out with my friends for a while and neglected my wife some and i feel bad about it but she understood and loved me. As I am sure you will. He's not sick of you he's just nostalgic for past times. He'll figure out those past times are not as good as he remembers them and that you will always be what makes him happiest.

Answer 8

One could expect such phases to occur in all marriages. A marriage is not only a commitment to stay together but also to give enough freedom and space to each other to develop socially. There may not be any lessening of his love for you. He perhaps perceives you as someone complementing his personality without being overwhelmed by his commitment to you as your husband. Take it in the right spirit and develop your own personality and social circle.
Husband and wife do not have to be together all the time and everywhere!

Answer 9

It doesn't sound very good. It sounds like he wants out, or is heading in that direction. Marriage is about growth and togetherness - when someone decides they want to "find themselves," one asks the question of why they waited so long? I mean, why didn't he already find himself before he got married? It almost sounds like he may be cheating - so prepare yourself.

Answer 10

Not normal. The marriage is over. I'm sorry.

P.S. My sister who is 100% sure her husband is not having an affair just found out yesterday that he had a baby with another woman. Regardless, your husband has left the marriage, you just don't have papers to prove it yet.