Would you have a relationship with a woman with children that are not yours?

Question

I have a friend who sadly lost her husband in an accident, she has two small children, 4 years old and one at 18months. She has just got back in the saddle and started to date again. She's very attractive, mid-30's, own house, job etc.... but of the 3 guys she has been interested in, when they've found out about her children they scarper, giving that as the reason.... Its not like they were very young guys (29, 37 and 41) She is becoming quite upset by it.

Are these men the exception or the rule? Would be interested in a general sweep of how you would feel about it?

I too have 2 small children and hope this isn't an indication of what I can expect when I haul myself back on to the horse!

Answer 1

You have to understand that when you go out with a married woman, you are not just going out with her, but with her children. That is not one person that you have to like, and be liked in return, but three.

I went out with a Mum, and while it was difficult, I managed to get on with the kids pretty well, and the mother seemed to appreciate it, perhaps keeping me around longer than she would have done otherwise.

The crunch came, when it turned out that the kids liked me better than her, which was not really surprising, because in retrospect she was a terrible mother.

I guess the point is, when you have kids, it is YOU that has to be more choosy about who you see and being honest about them from the outset.

If after that they come up smiling, that's cool. Plus, it really is best to give them a little time to warm to the idea. You have had the whole of your children's lives to get used to them, he might need a little while.

Good luck though. If you are asking questions like this, you must be a pretty decent soul!

Answer 2

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Answer 3

I think your friend is just meeting the wrong guys. There are lots of people out there who are willing to date someone who already has kids. Once you're about 25 - 30+ it's gonna be more common for people that age to have kids already. I briefly dated 2 guys who both had a daughter & it didn't bother me at all. The girls were little cuties from pix I've seen but sadly I never got to meet them cause the relationships didn't last too long. (I broke up w/ the guys cause they turned into jerks.) I say, once you start dating again, to just tell a guy up front that you have kids...that way, if he runs then it's better that he did then & not when you were further (& more emotionally involved) into the relationship. Good luck when you get back out there again ;-)

Answer 4

She probably has more of a chance finding someone being a widow than someone who is divorced with the natural father still being on the scene. I think she has more of a chance with little ones than teenagers though.

Also to take into consideration that men may think she won't want children with them if they want them in the future, so things have to be made clear to a man whether she is all done with having kids or whether she would consider to have more... so its not just about men that don't want kids, the ones that do will also need to be considered.

Look most men haven't grown up and are only generally forced into adulthood when being faced with the fruit of their loins, and even when confronted with their own offspring, they start to get itchy feet...

If the shoe was on the other foot, it wouldn't bother me if a man had children, but again, I would wonder, if he wanted more with me or whether he was all done.....

But by judging by some of the answers below, there does appear to be some decent specimens of men.... Personally I would stick with older guys though... the 20 somethings just won't want it... no matter how bloody delectable you are.

Answer 5

Yes I would and I have. It does some what depend on the circumstances. Like why she has kids and is not married. If it is just because she whores around then no I wouldn't. If it is because of divorce, I would be interested in knowing why. Not all divorces are the mans fault. I wouldn't want to hook up with somebody Else's discarded problem. In the case of your friend that lost her mate through death, I see no reason why I wouldn't date her, That is of course assuming we hit it off. Children are not necessarily a liability in these cases. Sometimes they can be a stabilising factor in a relationship. At least that's how I look at it.

Answer 6

My dad is going out with a woman with 2 kids, although when they started dating the kids were a bit older 13 and 15. It depends on if the guy really likes her, if he's not willing to stick around then he's not the one. She'll probably find that as the kids get older then chances will be better, but it really does depend on the guy I'd say.

Answer 7

They would not want to take on NEW children because.... Sorry, but a lot of men that leave wives also leave behind the true responsibility of their OWN children.
Find a man that travels in different circles than the ones you currently met. ALSO
MORE IMPORTANT.. Do not look for a long time committed relationships, just date untill you learn your own strengths and courage. That also INCLUDES your childrens best interests.. They are MORE important, and you do not want to be selfish with their childhoods. TRUST me.

Answer 8

If those guys knew they couldn't handle the kids, it's good thing they backed off.

I have a stepfather and I can tell you that since my mum got together with him, my life got worse. I spent all my teenage years hating him with passion. He was like from different world and though I first liked his family (his sister, father, brother-in-law, niece and nephew), slowly I began hating them too. They thought me a poor little thing 'cos I didn't have a father, like I needed one! When my stepfather lost his job (his fault) it was a real hell for me, 'cos I wasn't very successful myself, I dropped out of uni twice and didn't know what do with myself and this man just poured all his frustration on me. So I left my country and came to UK, to get away from everybody. 3 years on, I'm much much happier, I live on my own and study in UK and of course, everybody now knows that my stepfather is an idiot and I was right all those years! His family turned out to be a wicked greedy calculating bunch.

To answer your question, both of you can find good men for yourself and your children, just make sure they are really the right ones.

Answer 9

I would have a relationship with a women with kids (and have done) if I liked/loved her enough. I wont deny its off putting to an extent especially I reckon if like me you have no kids. So best advice is maybe don't mention them till you're sure the guy is for you and likes you,but at the same time if he does n't want kids then he's gonna bolt and there's no point getting concerned over it ,he's never going to work out for you if he does.

Answer 10

Unfortunately there're a good number of people out there (Male and female) who would not be keen on going out with somebody with significant baggage.

But, there are quite a number of people who would.

I suspect, if you met somebody socially (Pub, night club, etc) they they may falter; meet them in an environment where they can actually get to know you properly and it would be a different issue.

Join an interest club (Walking, Camera, etc.) should you have time.