There is a problem with my son's girlfriend. Any advice? Please read.?

Question

They are both 19 and have been together for 4 years. She has sort of an engagement ring. She's fully employed as a CNA in a nursing home and he's a stocker and bagger at a grocery store. I admit, he's not as mature as he should be or as fully employed as he should be, but that's only part of the problem. The real problem is that she is very bossy, pushy, manipulative, and is most definitely the boss of the relationship. There are too many stories to tell, but I need advice on the latest that has been happening. He's been trying to save some money and he has an account that my husband opened for him and also he gives his girlfriend money to hold onto, because in her words, if he as his hands on his own money, he'll blow it right away. Which isn't far from the truth, actually. Now we want to open a checking account for him and she refuses to give him his money because it's now "theirs". And she still thinks he'll blow it all. What are your opinions?

Answer 1

I kind of agree with some of the other answers, but I think that this is more of a problem than they are addressing. It does seem like he has just switched Mom's. He had you taking care of him, and now she is willing so he is going on with her. He does not sound like a motivated go getter, so convenience is his way of getting through life. He may not like being treated like a child, but he does not have to extend himself, so why not? I think that the worst thing that can be done for him, is baby him the way she is. He will never grow into the kind of man you all hope for. He needs to be able to try, fail, learn. She sounds so nagative and lets face it, if they have been together 4 years, he has grown up mostly with her. Why would he want someone by his side who thinks so lowly of him?? He is 19! When I was 19 I was in college, and I had a job, and I had 6 credit cards that I was maxing out and ruining my credit. 19 year olds make mistakes, that is how they learn how to live in the world. She has no buisness holding his money or taking control of him. He needs to live for himself and do as he sees fit. That does not mean you should be supporting him. If he lives at home he should contribute. That is what will make him responsible. You should not open a checking account for him. He is 19, he should get an ID and put his own $ in the bank. Give him responsibility. When he feels sucess at some things that he does on his own, maybe he won't be so easily led. Like a baby bird learning to fly......

Answer 2

She sounds very controlling. Does she allow him to use it for things they need or does she spend it herself? If the money is now "theirs" then why not a joint checking account? It sounds as if he needs to mature more when it comes to finances. Tell him to stop giving $$ to his gf and put it in the account your hubby opened for him. Give him goals, (if your hubbys name is on the account he'll see the statements) tell him when he has saved a certain amount you'll add some cash to his account(if you can afford it). Also if he still lives with you set some rules... charge him rent, even $25 a week and set it aside for when he moves out and give it back as starter cash. It may take awhile but eventually he'll learn that you have to plan for a rainy day. Life often has emergencies and having some cash around helps. All in all at 19 he should be a little more independant but we can't change the past so we deal with the present and plan for the future. Ask him what his goals are you'll probably get an I don't know, but prompt him for a better answer. Stocking and bagging is okay for now but 30 yrs from now it will suc.k.

Good luck!

Answer 3

This sounds like a very bizarre scenario, but if it's his money, then she should give it back to him. If he has shown that he just blows all his money in the past, that is a red-flag, but he's going to have to learn how to take care of himself one day.

It seems like it's the family against the girlfriend, so he should take the side of whom is more powerful in his life. I would guess that would be the parents. But the girl seems pretty stubborn. I don't know, if they're close to marriage then maybe she has a point in not wanting to see the money wasted, but I just think he should learn responsibility for himself, so maybe make him start his own checking account?

Answer 4

First of all, they are both adults. If he wants a checking account, let him open it. That's beside the point. This is your son's relationship and while you may not like what's going on, he needs to deal with it. Not you. They've been together for years, so something must be working for them. Let them work out their own problems. Because if you interfer, he will take his girlfriend's side everytime and you'll be the bad guy. he might even distance himself from you and then she'll control him even more. So try to stay out of it and let him fight his own battles.

Answer 5

My opinion is that you need to back out of this. At 19 he's old enough to make his own decisions. It sounds like his girlfriend, whilst admitedly she does sound bossy etc, she also sounds like a young woman that has her head screwed on right. If they are "kinda" engaged, Im sure she wants the best for them as a couple and being honest, she sounds to me like the right kind of lady for your son.

Answer 6

You need to get out of it. He is 19, he is old enough to make his own mistakes. I am not trying to be mean here. This is really none of your business. I understand that you want to protect your son, and I respect that but now mom you must let him grow up. If he lets her control him, then he lets her control him. It is a little apparent that he is used to having a woman control him, if he is used to his mother telling him what to do at this age.
I think that you have your nose in the wrong place.
Remember we teach people how to treat us. So he needs to teach her to respect him.
Good Luck mom....

Answer 7

He sounds like he needs to be more assertive and by you getting into it won't help.
Also why are you opening a checking acct for a 19 yr old? It should be him. Let him be. He needs to see things for himself.

However, now speaking from a mom's point of view, I would let her have it. Speak your mind and let her know what you think of her. Assert yourself and tell her off. No matter how mad and upset she gets. Of course, that's I would do... : )

Answer 8

she is pushy...The money is not theirs till they get married. He needs to grow up and learn to take responsobility and a checking account would be a good start. Depending on which one of you (you or your husband) has the most pull with him, sit him down and talk with him about it and see if you can help

Answer 9

they r both grown and it's really none of ur business.. if he doesn't see a problem w/it then neither should u.. u can't control his relationship for him.. he has to stand up and make a stand for himself.. interfering is not the key here, especially since they r both 19 yrs old.....

all u can do is make suggestions to ur son and ask him how he feels about her taking all his money....

Answer 10

although he may be immature the problem that exists is double. SOME ONE IS TAKING OUR PLACE. mom how do you think he is going to grow up survive make choices be responsible if you and your hubby continue to make choices for him. let him (and her) do it themselves. obviously this is not a short term relationship. take a back seat and try not to drive. give advise when asked and do not interfere--you will eventually alienate both if you continue your overbearing ways.