I have had a massive fight with my partner, in a rage I lashed out & hit her, should she leave me?

Question

We have a two year old boy (who is often the cause of our fights) she says she can't cope on her own but does not want to be with me any more which I fully understand as I am deeply regretful of my actions and horrified by what I've done, especially as it's not the first time. I've said I would never do it again, but I did, I cant seem to control my temper. I love my partner very much & I just want to make her happy but so often I fail. What can I do?

Answer 1

i am the partner in question and would never have blamed my son, this is the fathers question not mine as soon as i read the question I immediately said something for putting our son as the cause. he is NOT the cause of our fights. the father is the cause of our fights. so please don't insult me too.

Thank you all for your help, our big problem is that as I have post natal depression, and also have many emotional hurts to deal with too (mostly from the father) i find it very hard to look after my little boy by myself, I do have family and they help a huge amount. If i leave I loose my new house after just having left a very small one bedroom flat and I would be back in one, this I could never do.

Answer 2

As you can see from the majority of responses it's easy to condemn you without knowing the full facts.

My suggestion would be to see your doctor about your anger management problem, as that is clearly what it is, and ask whether s/he would refer you for specialist help and advice.

Speak with your partner about whether she is willing to give you another chance if you arrange counselling [counseling for my American cousins]. It's something that you'll both need to work on.

Sadly, I see your assertion that your boy as often being the cause of your fights as a regrettable statement. The child can, in no way, be the cause. Don't use excuses! Seek the help that you require. (I'm sure you'll appreciate that many people caught up in this circle of violence often regret their actions ... and many will promise not to do it again. That, unfortunately, is why some get trapped into the cycle.)

Your boy will grow up believing that this is the way to treat women. Surely that's not what you want for him.

I believe that you are part way there already. You've admitted that you've got a problem, and you've sought answers/recommendations as to what you must do. It just takes another step to get you on the way to resolving your issues.

I'll warn you now, it's going to be a long and arduous task, but one that you MUST undergo if you deserve any respect from anyone, particularly your partner.

I wish you both the very best of luck in resolving your issues.

Answer 3

I would have hit you back, btu she didn't. Because you can't control yourself, or keep your word, I think you shoudl .leave. The question then you are facing is what do you do while you love her and the help with the boy... coudl you discuss a possibility of you leaving separately, but meeting regularly. This way it's easier to aviod argumets, and thefore fights. and still see each other, etc. If you decide to do that you will need to have a good time table, to avoid any conflicts, of when you will be looking after the boy. If you make it as easy and simple as possible, you might still have a chance after a timeout, to make a big decision. Hope I was of some help.

Answer 4

I don't know if you are in the UK even though this is the UK site. but I think you need to find help for your anger management. Look in Yellow Pages, usually in the first few pages. If you don't see anything then a visit to your doctor - you need to let your partner know that you are seeking help. If your partner says she can't cope with the 2 year old, and you're saying the child is the cause of your fights, I think you BOTH need to go see the doctor and get some help. Your little boy is suffering and neither of you can see it. I think your doctor will be happy to fit you in quite quickly if he/she knows why you want to be seen. Good Luck

Answer 5

If you truly mean what you say that you regret what you have done and you still have no controll over your temper then I suggest that you seek out "Anger Management" right away and I do mean right away.
If you can't contro your temper now then who can say what or how bad it could end up in just a few more tantrums then I also suggest the two of you break it off now before something worse happens and then it will be more then anger management that you will get.
If you love your partner seek help now.
By the way, you have no excuse that would ever justify hitting your partner whom you claim to love.
No hitting, never!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 6

The child is NOT the cause of your fights, he is a poor innocent victim who is being hurt and damaged by the people who are supposed to care for him the most.

You said this isn't the first time you've hit her. I don't know why she didn't throw you out before, but hopefully she will now and you can get some anger management therapy and try to rebuild a healthy relationship with your son and his mother.

But even if she doesn't toss you out, be a man and leave on your own accord. It is the best thing for the child.

Answer 7

I'm hoping you will read this, because I'm going to be honest and frank, since you are asking for help.

You are in whats called "abusers remorse". This is a honeymoon period where you feel sorry for what you did, and you don't want her to leave you, so you will promise her and yourself that it will never happen again. It absolutely will.

You are an abuser. Your anger is out of control and you are lashing out at the most vunerable person, your partner.

More than likely she will take it until she hits rock bottom, until you beat her so badly that she fears for her life and the life of your child.

You are one step ahead of most abusers because you recognize that this isn't what you want, and that you can't control your temper.

You MUST seek help. See a doctor if you have the insurance to pay for it. If not, you need to use your computer and do a search in your city/town for a hotline to call to ask where you can go for help.

If you cannot get the help you need, then help your partner and son to get set up on their own and put some distance between you. Do this out of the love you say you have for them. If you love someone, you protect them, and right now you need to protect them from yourself.

While you are in this period of remorse, ACT to protect them. Have her call an abuse hotline and ask what resources are available to her in your community.

Please save yourself and your family. If you don't, you will have to live with the fact that you may kill them one day, and you are surely killing her spirit blow by blow.

Good luck to you and give yourself credit for reaching out. Now do the right thing and protect them from you.

Answer 8

Dude, you need a good, solid @$$ kicking by a real man. That would solve your problem, I think. I mean a solid @$$ kicking. Not one of those where you get punched a few times, but where you are left laying on the ground, bleeding from multiple places. Then, you'd think twice before you ever hit another person.

If you really want to change then you need to go pick a fight with a big, bad mother F'r. You'll not be in the mood to ever hit another living soul. It will probably gain sympathy from her and you'll have a convincing story to tell her about how you'l never hit her again.

Answer 9

Yep - she should have left the first time. That's one of the reasons why you did it again. Babies don't cause fights - it's you and your partner who caused the fight.

Frankly, being deeply regretful isn't good enough. You need to get help with your anger. Maybe your partner does too. Check out Relate - the relationship guidance service - http://www.relate.org.uk/

Sorry if I sound harsh but violence is a very cruel way to deal with problems.

Answer 10

If you have done it more than once then you are going to do it again. Why do you argue over the little one anyway - are you jealous of the attention she gives him? Your first step is to get yourself booked on an anger management course, that way you will show her you are serious about doing something and show that you really care about her. In the meantime, is there somewhere else you can live, so that you do not put yourself in the position of hurting her again? Once you have finished your course you can approach her to move back in. What worries me that if you don't do something about the temper you could really hurt her, or horror of horrors, kill her. If I were her I would have legged it long ago. Sorry.....

Answer 11

OK first off... the child has done nothing to you, don't blame him or say he is the problem. You are pointing the finger at an innocent baby for your problems. So plain and simple you need to see someone who can help you with your anger or ways you deal with stress. Do this for your family and relationship. If you want to stop that is. You can only change you. Secondly give her enough to live on as in money and take yourself out of the situation for a bit.