Is what I did unforgivable?

Question

About 3 months ago my ex who has also turned into my best male friend over the years found out he was dying and one night while my fiancee was away asked me to come over for he had something very important to ask me.When I came over he told me his last wish would be to spend one more night with me.I was completely torn between what to do but I did and I spend the night with him while my fiancee was out of town.Ever since things have been very,very tense between my fiancee and me even though he didn't know about it until I told him after the funeral of the said friend last week because I couldn't even look at him because of the guilt.I told him after the funeral because I just couldn't take the guilt because I truly do love my fiancee more than anything.He looked at me like I had destroyed him.The night after I wanted to die for betraying him like this but I just felt like I couldn't deny my friends last wish.How do I get his trust back now?He's willing to work through it.

He died of leukaemia.

I didn't tell him to rid myself of the guilt but because I felt like he deserved to know and because it was tearing our relationship apart and he couldn't understand what had changed between us.By ex I meant ex boyfriend not husband and I know my ex wouldn't have used it as an excuse to get laid because he was a really decent guy.

Answer 1

Not at all, live and let die...

Answer 2

I am absolutely amazed at some of these sanctimonous answers.

People are so quick to judge....This was a real live drama, what a terrible situation you were in. Your best buddy was dying, even though he was your ex...What a terrible time for him. You obviously meant a great deal to him for him to call you up and ask you to "love" him one more time before he dies.

If your fiance has any common sense, he will forgive you without a second thought.

You are a very compassionate, loving person...You loved your fiance, but you still gave this dying man his wish. I am sure the majority of people in that situation would have done what you did. Just because you have sex with someone else, doesnt mean to say your relationship with your fiance is over, and if he has a an ounze of compassion himself, he will understand exactly why you did what you did. There is not much more of an explanation you can give him....its not the kind of situation that can be talked about and talked about until a solution or compromise can be worked out.

You did what you felt you had to do at the time. If your fiance knows you love him, which I am sure you do because you have felt so much guilt about what happened. You really do need to forgive yourself and get over it....tell your fiance to get over it too because this is not a "normal" situation of you cheating on him, and for all the people who have said it will take time for him to trust you again is utter crap. How many dying best buddies have you got? Your fiance if he has any kind of intelligence and common sense will be able to trust you again, and if he wants you to pay for what you did...tell him youve already paid because you feel so bad about it..;......but like I said, this is not a "normal" cheating situation and your fiance should understand that.

Answer 3

You Always.. Always must try and place yourself in the other persons shoes. Number 1. Your ex- was completely inappropriate to play on your sympathy and ask you to do that. It doesn't matter that he was dying. Good guy or not, he knew you were engaged and he disrespected you and your relationship and knew what the consequences would be. The sad part was that he knew he wouldn't have to bear any of the responsibility since he was dying. (sorry but it's true) No. 2 you were wrong to accept the invitation for obvious reasons... you accepted a deep commitment to being married. No. 3 You need to give your finance time to heal from this tramatic experience and it will take a great deal of time so don't push it, be patient. No 4. Would you forgive him if he did the same thing to you?

Seriously let that question marinate in your mind for a while before answering. Picture him rolling around in bed, making love to his ex-girlfriend.. touching, caress, expressing himself in a manner that's very familiar to you, and then picture him being touched, kissed, and other very personal things being done to his body by her.

I'm sure that just blew you away. Now he asks you to forgive him and says lets still get married because he loves you and hopes you understand. Well, it's really not that easy or simple. Your emotions and trust level not to mention the once close connection has been shattered and it will take some time to repair it. It's possible for him as it would be possible for you to forgive and hopefully forget. But just like when you receive a deep wound in your flesh, it will hurt for a very long time and will eventually heal, but that ugly scar can remain for a life time.

Miricles can happen and the scar can eventually fade away to the point where it's hardly noticable... That will take some praying and some emotional heart surgery to repair. Pray that things will work out the way they should. But be strong in case it doesn't and be understanding in case they don't.

Answer 4

I don't know if i'd be able to forgive even giving th situation you were in. you actually should have confronted your fiancee first. I am sure he would have said no. But isn't this the person you are planning to spend the rest of your life with? Till death do you part? I mean i know what you did was for a dying friend, but it wasn't like he was asking you to say his eulogy or something, what he asked you for was something your fiancee "owns" now. your most private of areas and mainly your mind and heart that goes with sex, especially an ex, of whom you probably had feelings of love for at one point in time. It prob would have been easier for your fiancee if you slept with a total strainger. I am just giving you my opinion. I am sorry if it was something you didn't want. Good luck, and i really do hope you and your fiancee work out.

Answer 5

Unforgivable? is it forgiveable to you or your fiancee? You are going to have to forgive yourself first, before your fiancee is going too. Do you regret your decision? Do you think you did the wrong thing? or Are you satisfied that you did the only thing you could do.....NOW-think long and hard about this....I can't judge you because, I wasn't put in this situation, and I hope I never am.
If you still feel good about your choice, then don't have any regrets, forgive yourself! If you know think that you made a bad mistake, then forgive yourself? Doesn't matter which way you decided, because the out-come with your fiancee I don't feel like depends upon this.

Your fiancee is willing to work through this! God bless his heart, he really must love you. You did break the trust, because of this it's not going to be easy earning it back. EARNING it, because he gave it freely, and it was broken, so now you are going to have to earn this time. First of all, never make him quess where you are...If you go somewhere-tell him, and who you are going with. What time you are going to be back...If you go shopping with friends, tell him what mall or stores, with what friends, and what time you will be home. And do what you say! Don't say you will be home at 7, and it's 8:30 when you walk in the door. If he decides to come by the mall or store you are suppose to at, be there. Same with friends. You are on parole.....your freedom to roam, and do, is gone for now. If you have a cellphone, make sure you answer his calls, and if you miss one, have a reasonable excuse, and call him back with "I am sorry I missed your call, but I was....."

Can you do this? Do you love him enough to put up with the questions and the need for him to check-up on you at any given time. Because you are giving him that right, if you want him to forgive you! Put yourself in his place...what if his ex called for a "last time". How would you feel? Please if you don't feel like you can go under the microscope.....break it off now. Do yourself and fiancee a favor, and say I can't do this, I know what I did, and I am going to have to live with it, but I can't live with the questions and doubts that you have about me.

Your fiancee's hurt is obvious, and I believe you are hurting some much because you are second quessing your decision to grant your friend his dying wish. You are going to have to forgive yourself! I wish you all the best, and I am so sorry for the lose of your friend, you didn't have time to mourn him, because of all your quilt, so you have a lot of work ahead of you...do some soul searching---and please fogive yourself, and I believe things will become more clearer.......

God bless us all.............

Answer 6

Your friend obviously really valued your friendship. What a friend you are!! It obviously was a hard thing for you to do because of your fiancee. I know if i was in your situation i prob would have done the same thing. I would do anything for my friends. Even if it was going behind a fiancee's back.

Hopefully he'll realise that you were doing it for your dying friend, and not for your satisfaction.

It will take a while for him to trust you again. But hopefully he will and you'll be able to enjoy your life together.

All the best with your fiancee, i hope it works out for you.

Answer 7

This may sound bad...but i dont feel you really did anything wrong. Its not like you set out to do this and he was DYING. This is one of those times that i think you could ask 10 different people and get 10 different responces. You need to forgive yourself and move on. The question is if you would have been honest with your honey before you slept with the dying ex, what would he have said? Another thing....Would your finance' have done that same if a dying best friend had ask HIM the same thing. If mine did this, i would honestly forgive him. This is a VERY special circumstance. Sweetie Forgive Yourself :-)

Answer 8

If he is willing to work through it that is a good sign. You had very extreme circumstances. I think you made a huge mistake by telling your fiance. I will always remember some advice a priest once told me. He said "many people are unfaithful to their mates and some things are better left unsaid. You don't fix anything by telling the other person what you did and in a way it is really selfish thing to do just because you feel guilty." I was surprised a priest would give my that kind of advice and I though it was very practical.

Answer 9

Well the way to know if he will forgive you is. first did he have problems with you being friends with your ex? Did he question you or every accuse you of still being hung up on your ex. did he ever say to you your ex still wants you and you said no he doesn't. Well if you answer yes to any of these questions he will never forgive you. But him forgiving you is not your biggest problem you need to figure out how you could have let another man hold you if you loved another. How could you kiss his lips if you were engage to another. There's no way you had true love with your finance. I think your true love was with your ex. You need to think about it, because when you love someone no one can hold you like them nor do you want anyone near what is his. Forget about your finance because if your love for him couldn't make you say Boy you must be tripping we ain't together no more. You must be to doped up. Then you should have hung up the phone.Start calling your love saying you want believe what ... said. that should have have been the end. I know you have more than him as an ex would you have sex with the rest of them if they were dying? No, because he was special to you. Just admit it to your self mourn both your lost and move on.

Answer 10

I think that your fiance will come to realize the reasons why you did what you did and eventually forgive you for it, though he will never forget it. It is a tough situation but understand it from his point of view. The trust is broken and it's going to take time for him to get it back. What you need to do now is give him that space and time to work it out. You can help him by letting him know that you love him and want to be with him. Don't just say it, show it. You also have to show patience. You can't rush him or tell him to just get over it. You have to allow him to proceed at his own pace while he goes through the rebuilding process. I believe you two will get over this. I wish you luck.

Answer 11

Wow, i know ur friend has passed away and that u cared for him dearly, but he used his death as a way of getting u into bed..and u fell for it.. If u felt this was the right thing to do , to fufill his last wish, which makes me wonder how many other women he may of used that on.. sorry but i could see a guy who has come to terms with the fact that he's dying using that as a line to make girls feel bad for him and getting them into bed.. , but nonetheless if u felt this was a "normal" good girl deed to fulfill his wish, why didnt u ask your soon to be husband , since well Who would ever deny a man on his death bed??? (Sarcastic) .. because the day u said u would marry him, u promised him to always be his.. and u did break his heart, and he'll never forget it.. and u did him absolutely zero favors by telling him what u did.. all u did was let go of YOUR GUILT.. so u could feel better about something YOU did.. and your poor Guy is the one that now has to pay for WHAT YOU DID.. so now u feel alittle better now that he knows u arent beating urself up inside.. but now he has to live with knowing that the woman he loves cheated on him and will jump in the sack with a guy if he makes her feel bad enough.. and that will be in the back of his mind forever.. it wont disappear, every time u do or say anything that makes a red flag in him go off he'll remember that u were capable of cheating on him once, why wouldnt u do it again..

U can try and regain his trust but it will neverrrrrrrrrrrrrrr be 100% yours again.. ever.. cause he'll always wonder... but all u can do at this point is to prove that this wont happen again.. but its going to take years..