My ex-husband died 9 months ago and left behind 2 kids. His life insurance went to his brother (200,000) the girls got a small policy (1500). His family has now been sporatic about seeing the girls. I made up a list of guidelines for visitation and his mother isn't happy. She says I'm trying to keep the girls from her. I just can't afford driving an hour so she can see them. The girls were there when he died and the oldest tells me she's not ready to go back. The youngest is ADHD, OCD, has autistic tendencies, and anxiety. She doesn't talk about going back and acts up everytime she sees someone from his side of the family. I told them no more meeting but they could come here. She's off the wall mad. Am I selfish or really doing what's best for my girls?
2006-08-30 14:29:43 · 14 answers · asked by teeter 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Wanted to explain about mentioning insurance. Many things were promised w/ that money, but few have come through. Mom has new SUV, Mom's been to Chicago 2xs this yr. Never went anywhere before. My childrens names are NOT on any accounts as were promised. Have sent visitation guidelines and am keeping 'family journal' of ALL phone calls! Am tired of my heart pounding everytime she calls! Just wanted an outside opinion!
2006-08-30 14:57:56 · update #1
I think you are doing what you think is best for your girls. If they want to see your kids, they can come and visit. 9 months is not a long recovery time from a situation like that, especially younger people. Keep doing what you're doing and stay strong.
2006-08-30 14:37:04 · answer #1 · answered by Sarah 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I can understand how you feel , but just about everything you described is really how YOU FEEL. I'm going to assume that your girls are young and say that they probably don't understand anything about the life insurance money or how it's being used or even the tension between you and their grandmother. I think they need their grandmother and any other family right now. Everybody is probably still grieving. It's also hard to deal with "the other side of the family" when you don't get along and there are kids involved. Maybe you should let them go see her without guidelines and make a compromise about who comes to who's house when your money gets tight. Think about the future also. Your husband was the only tie you had to his family, his family was your family relations, you may feel you don't want bothered with them but your girls need that family for the rest of thier lives.
2006-08-30 16:16:45 · answer #2 · answered by Amy S 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Assuming you are telling the complete story, I think you are doing what is best for them. The girls need time, 9 months is not enough. If you ex's family can not understand then they need to be told in a manner that is not open for debate. Tell them your door is open for them to visit your children at your place with a few days notice then leave it up to them. Frankly I would put it in a letter and copy it so that in the future when your x-mother in law causes problems ( and she sounds like the she will) you can explain to your children why and how you handled it. One more thing, if they were truly concerned and wanted to do what was best for the children they would have ensured the funds went to the children for their future. Since you do not indicate they did any such thing, I think its safe to assume that they only want to visit when they are missing him rather than being a consistent part of the children's life.
2006-08-30 14:44:24 · answer #3 · answered by annie red 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are absolutely not being selfish, I think you should take them every once in a while, maybe once every two months or so but let her know right now is too soon for the conditions on the kids, if she soes not understand that, she is just selfish, Have open arms to her coming to your house or to take them out for a couple of hours. Let her know you will not jump when she says jump, you have no reason to be nice to her anymore, especiallly if she is treating you that way.
2006-08-30 14:37:48 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are doing what is best, But if you want to make sure sit and talk with your girls, let them feel they have got a say. Remember that is their family and they have every right to see the girls. After talking it over with your girls let the other family know and understand. And explain to them your situation. Don't hold them back. Compromise with them. Goodluck
2006-08-30 14:42:36 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Excuse me... but grandma needs to put her feelings second. For now, it is in the best interest of the children if she drives out and sees them. However, I would also question your true motive and feelings. Is this really about the kids or about the money (as mentioned) that they did not get? You also mentioned not having gas money. Maybe you can suggest they assist with gas money.
2006-08-30 14:38:24 · answer #6 · answered by Mojo 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think your solution sounds reasonable and sensible. I have two children of my own, and all that matters is what makes them feel the most comfortable. They have been through a horrible ordeal, and they should be put first. The adults will just have to deal with it. I'm sorry for you loss in any case.
2006-08-30 14:40:29 · answer #7 · answered by Kimber 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have to do what is best for the children. If the grandmother doesn't understand that the girls are dealing with the death of their father not just her losing a son, you may need to sit her down one more time and say look I have to protect my children as best I can from this pain. If she can't understand that you are trying to what you think is best for your children at this time, it may just take her time to grieve for her son to see what you are doing isn't meant to hurt her.
2006-08-30 14:38:21 · answer #8 · answered by adarmbruster 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry about ur loss but u r doing what seems to be right don't worry ur doing the best in a bad situation their grandma just wants to see them cause she is just as sad
2006-08-30 14:38:06 · answer #9 · answered by im lost come and find me 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell the family what we tell ours- they are our children and they live with us. You want to see them you have to come here.
Upsetting kids routines is just bad especailly when you are dealing with adhd and ocd- Good luck and do what you think is best!!
2006-08-30 14:38:35 · answer #10 · answered by Answerkeeper 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋