Not Sure if I should divorce or keep on trying to make it better.?

Question

My husband constantly plays mind games with me. He never wants to eat dinner with me or spend any time with me - even romance. This has been going on constantly for 1 month and off and on since the beginning of this year. He claims I am cheating on him (I do not) and that I cheated all my life. We sit down to talk and I tell him that I am sad that he doesn't want to spend time with me. But he starts accusing me of all sorts of things. I start to cry and walk away and he says that proves that I want nothing to do with the marriage when I simply want to shed my sorrows in another room. He says he is seeing a councelor. When I say I would be willing to go soon and ask him who, where, etc. He won't tell me and then he says that I won't go and that shows I am not trying to make this marriage work. I don't know if I want to get a divorce or try to see if things get better. I am older and I would like to have kids buyt starting out fresh to find someone new can be very lengthy.

Answer 1

I didn't read everything - leave him. One that accuses is the cheater. Move on - you don't need this.

Answer 2

There is only so much you can take.
If you have been willing to help the marriage and make sacrifices then he has the issues. If you wanted to go to counseling but he wouldn't allow you because he believe you wouldn't, then he has the insecurities.
I think you should talk to a counselor about this because your husband may have very low self esteem.
On the other hand, he could be cheating his self. You know that saying "One that accuses is the one that does."
Seek professional marriage help before jumping into a divorce. If nothing changes, your best bet is to leave and find happiness somewhere else.
Best Wishes.

Answer 3

I think you are allowing him to have too much leeway. Play the game his way. Here is what you should do:
1) Ask him for a divorce the next time you see him. Just go to him and say " I am tired of this crop. want a divorce"
If he says yes then call the lawyer.
If he says, no then tell him this. I will stay only if I can go to the counselor with you. Do not take no for an answer

the third thing is to get a Private investigator to watch him. Even if you have to do it yourself but be well prepared for the result and get him on camera.

Answer 4

How old are you?

Well, I had to start over in my early 30s. Marriage was very bad - I knew deep down he never loved me and when I was honest with myself I knew deep down I didn't love him either. We were married almost 10 yrs - that's a long time. So, then after the divorse I was alone for a year and then I met the love of my life- my soul mate - and I am so happy now.

I don't think I can advise you to divorce or not. But in your heart you know if the marriage is dead - or never alive to begin with. If you married young like I did - I was more in love with the IDEA of getting married and not in love with the man. Although I would have sworn up and down that I loved him... I just really loved being married more than anything.

It almost sounds like he is cheating - but it's hard to tell.

Answer 5

When a man is telling you that you are cheating on him...9 out of 10 times it's to cover his own guilt. Believe me my ex husband did that to me for a few years and I was trying to do the right thing and stay because of my three kids.... But whatever you do don't let him put the blame on you!! A marriage takes two and it sounds like he's tring to get you to move on so cut him loose and see what happens... Kids will not make the situation better!! Good luck!! You deserve better!

Answer 6

I would suggest Marriage counseling, by the way it takes two to tangle. Do not give up on your marriage that easy, get to the bottom of issue, most of the time is a simple misunderstanding. The counselor will get to the bottom, marriage takes alot of work and compremising, like one college professor said to me, look at it like a job. By the way, it is my understanding that the new trend is to stay single, since divorce's are very stressfull and you have a 75% chance on getting divorce again after your first marriage. So my best suggestion is think about it for a while. Best of Luck!

Answer 7

This is crazy. Leave him, it's not worth putting up with this kind of mind games. He won't even give you the chance. Why risk staying in an emotionally abusive marriage because you're afraid to be alone? Besides, you'll never find someone else who can give you the love and respect you deserve if you don't take the risk to get out there.

Answer 8

You could try making it better for a little longer but if you see no improvments, you probably don't want to spend the rest of your life misrable since you have goals to start out fresh in life. Since you don't have kids already it might be a easier divorce if that's what you decide to do in the end

Answer 9

Than this is for you to read together with your husband.
Copy it, and place a hard copy of this in fridge.

From Georgianne, thought it was good so Im passing it on...

Hello all my dear friends,
I hope your all doing well.
I read this somewhere and thought it was so insightful. I know a bunch of you are married, getting married, considering marriage, or just in a relationship. I thought this was such a good script about how to view life with someone else...hope it helps:)
Luv,
Julie


If you're not married yet, share this with a friend. If you are married, share it with your spouse or other married couples and reflect on it.

An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye."

Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self- esteem, make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change

someone or that what you see as faults aren't really important.

Once you decide to commit to someone, over time his or her flaws, vulnerabilities, pet peeves, and differences will become more obvious. If you love your mate and want the relationship to grow and evolve, you've got to learn to close one eye and not let every little thing bother you. You and your mate have many different expectations, emotional needs, values, dreams, weaknesses, and strengths. You are two unique individual children

of God who have decided to share a life together.

Neither of you are perfect, but are you perfect for each other? Do you bring out the best in each other?

Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare, and control? What do you bring to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?

You can't take someone to the altar to alter him or her. You can't make someone love you or make someone stay.

If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life", you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain.

Manipulation, control, jealousy, neediness, and selfishness are not the ingredients of a

thriving, healthy, loving and lasting relationship! Seeking status, sex, wealth, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship. What keeps a relationship strong?

Communication, intimacy, trust, a sense of humor, sharing household tasks, some getaway time without business or children and daily exchanges (a meal, shared activity, a hug, a call, a touch, a note). Leave a nice message on their voicemail, cell phone or send a nice email.

Sharing common goals and interests. Growth is important. Grow together, not away from each other, giving each other space to grow without feeling insecure. Allow your mate to have outside interest. You can't always be together. Give each other a sense of belonging and assurances of commitment. Don't try to control one another. Learn each other's family

situation.

Respect his or her parents regardless. Don't put pressure on each other for material

goods. Remember for richer or for poorer. If these qualities are missing, the relationship

will erode as resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, dishonesty, and pain replace the passion.

The difference between 'United' and 'Untied' is where you put the I

Answer 10

O wow woman!! Sounds to me someone is a lil bit of a control freak... who knows what is exactly going on here... with having one side of the story & just going by what you say here... BUT...

What makes you think having KIDS with this man will MAKE things better!? You may think that may bring you closer together... may just make you farther apart! You should be ONE with your mate as you parent! If you're just going to squabble over how to parent the kids, then what good is it!? Then the kids will be martyr/pawn for more mind games, or other bs. That is NO environment to raise kids in!!

You're NOT going to change him... no matter what you may think! Think of yourself gf!! Seems to me he's doing that!! Be thankful you DON'T have kids with this man... then be tied to him forever!! NO WAY!!

So, if he IS seeing a therapist, he should have NO reason NOT to tell you to INCLUDE YOU in this! If he wanted to really work this out with you, his actions would correspond with what he's saying... but this is NOT the case!!

To quote someone dear to my heart..."I may not be a smart (wo)man... but I know what love is" Hunny..... THAT AIN'T IT!! Time to look out for #1 and not let a dream of having kids (with/in a HEALTHY relationship) die!!

You said it... time is of the essence! Get a move on so you can make something good outta this! They say the best revenge is living well... Well...... prove he hasn't destroyed you! Find someone better, hotter than he is..... or ever will be! Let him be someone else's problem! Life's too short not to be HAPPY!!

GL!!

=)

Answer 11

Sounds like he's dealing with his own trust issues. Maybe you should check a little closer? You might find out that he is the cheater. He has no reason not to tell you the name of his counselor. Actually, if he is seeing a legit counselor, the counselor would see you both so he/she can assess you both. This way, he/she can get to the root of your problems.