Fell in love and had affair. Its ended but I hurt. Help please.?

Question

I had an affair with a married man and fell in love. I believed him when he said that he was in love with me too but his wife found out and he did not leave her.

I regret so much it happened, but I am still hurting so much. It ended 8 months ago, but we kept in contact as 'friends' for about 5 more because he occasionally would say he loved me still but would not cheat anymore.

It has been 3 mths since I spoke properly to him, but I still love him.

Has anyone been there that can help with ways to forget about him? And please, any men that have been there, how can someone be in love with another and stay with thier wife?

someone just asked if his wife really found out, she found proof and called me. I am in councilling now to move on, just dont get how he can love his wife so much and still have an affair.

Answer 1

you answered my questions and i appreciate your kind words... I understand how you feel but i am having a hard time walking away..i feel i am not only loosing my love but i am loosing my best friend...We started out as friends and i never dreamed of any thing like this..i heart breaks when i see him and i want to run to his arms so bad..
It pains me when he needs to talk because he and his wife got in to a fight...he calls just to talk and say hello..I had tried to stay away for the last few weeks but i ache just to hear his voice.. I saw him last night and he told me how much he missed me.. this is killing me. His wife has not found out about our affair but she did find my number on his cell phone bill.. she questioned him and he told her we were just friends..she never called but if she did I woudl tell her to do all she can to keep him but her being jealous is pushing him away. He is the love of my life and will give him up completely if that is what he wanted...i am just trying to give him time to decide...i do not want to be second best if he wants me i am his if not i will live with the memories and continue to just be his friend.

good luck and I wish you the best and you can e-mail me if you need someone to talk to...
[e-mail]

Answer 2

Affairs are not usually about love, they are about the inate carnal desires that are both natural and powerful. Only a supernatural influence can help a marriage to be fulfilling and displace the carnal drive.

So what you experienced is natural, but hurtful.

There are different kinds of love, and because our society's language calls them all "love" people are confused and have a hard time sorting it out and differentiating between compassion, carnality/erotic, spiritual/agape, parental and familial love.

Monogamy is a gift, and not everyone gets it.

Forgive, forget, and enjoy life. Save your heart, don't give it away to easily, unless you are willing to take the risk and lose. If so, then lose gracefully and move on...life and love and carnality...it's all good, and if you order your life to accomodate them each differently you'll be okay! Fun is fun, love is love, risk is risk, and losing out isn't as bad as forfeiting.

I wrote this a few years ago, maybe it will help?
===

They Aren't All Happy

Myriad couples end by an affair,
Int'rest lost, love to hate, with no repair.
Thought by some to work out only one way,
Others see marriage as ending their play!
Observing the conflicts had with my wife,
I wondered how past folks had married for life?
How were they faithful, the people of old,
Keeping a marriage that would not grow cold?
I think some cheated and just never told.
I know others guarded strongly their fold,
Others went on with fear, anger and strife!
Many unions continued, with diversions rife.
Domineering and watching, spouse not to stray.
Some found paradise and so chose to stay.
True, ages ago divorce was not rare;
But unique on earth is each happy pair.

just david 1999

===

http://www.geocities.com/counttheways

Answer 3

Sweetie Pie........You had to have known from the beginning that you would be on the loosing end of this!!! This scenerio has been going on since the beginning of mankind. And, NO.......you cannot be "friends".....who are you kidding????? You can sit around in your pity party life and be miserable or you can make a decision to move on. Get some self-help books and read them. Get involved in activities or volunteer some where. There are lots of things to do other than feeling sorry for yourself. He was schmoozing you and used you for sex, sweetie! Of course he is going to tell you that he "loves you" because that is what you wanted to hear! Use this as a learning tool not to do this again!!! Have some personal boundaries and don't act like a cheap whore. If he was your husband, how would you like him doing this with another woman??? Shame on you! Take a look at yourself in the mirror.......you can't like what you see. Make some changes and look ahead and stay away from the married guys!!! You are paying a very painful price. Glad you asked!

Answer 4

men don't usually leave their wives... i guess it hurts their egos or something.. my aunt&uncle had a similar situation.

about him still loving you... who knows? it could be true, but maybe he either loves his wife more, already has kids and doesn't want to screw things up (at least anymore than he already has), or is too scared of what real happiness may be like.

he could also be saying it, thinking that it will help you hurt less, when really it won't because it's harder to let go when the feeling is reciprocated. sounds like a tough situation.

if he REALLY did love you, even more than his wife, he might divorce her and go with you, but think about the affect it would have on him: his AND her family would probably greatly disapprove, especially if there is a huge age difference between you two. (his friends too). he probably has a long history with his wife, and that's hard to compete with.

if you don't have closure with him, and it's not too awkward, i suggest you find it, because if you don't it will only take longer to get over it and move on.

i suggest you find closure and believe in yourself more that you can do better because there are more men out there that would be willing to walk longer distances for/with you. and you HAVE to believe that.

Answer 5

First, I think it is possible that he could have loved you. People can be in love with two people at the same time. But the reality is that he loved his wife and his life with her, more.

Secondly, it's easy for people on here to say to move on and forget about him but that's much easier said than done. Take it one day at a time and each passing day will get easier. Don't dwell on "what was" but come to terms with "what is".
Take this as a learning experience and remember to never fall for a married man again.
Good Luck.

Answer 6

Sara sweety he was never going to leave his wife and the fact that she found out and he crawled back to her proved it after all Your love was put out there for her to see and if he was going to leave her he had nothing at that time to lose and should have left with you . its a terrible thing to say but Sara he used you and then discarded you like yesterdays paper , the fact that he kept in contact was probably just to ease his own conscience. And now I feel you with your heart shattered all over the floor have to see him for what he is a CHEATING bastard and think that you are better off with out him , BECAUSE YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS FOOL. Married guys are looking for excitement and at the end of the day they run home to the wife ,

Answer 7

Many men who have affairs aren't looking to leave their wife, they are looking to put excitement back into their lives they feel they lack. and yes some of them are looking for love they may not be receiving. However, the majority of men will not leave their spouses. And maybe he did feel a little for you but he must feel more for his wife if he stayed. With any relationship there is risk, but with a married man the risk is much greater. You have to realize that at one point you may step out of the frying pan and into the fire.

It's not easy moving on but that is what you have to do.. pining for him will do you no good because he won't come back. Get yourself out there, go do things with friends and perhaps you will meet someone who will be able to properly reciprocate your feelings.

Answer 8

I hear you .. and I believe you really do love this man. I honestly don't think he loved you because if he really did, he would've left his wife. obviously he loved HER. I am only a teenager (16 years old) but I have watched enough tv to help you out! This show (What I Like About You)..Lauren, fell for a married man. It was hard for her to stop loving him since he loved her too. To help her stop loving him, she just stop contacting him and went out and had fun. She met other guys and got over him. The only way to stop loving him is if you just sit down and say to yourself "okay, he's married.. I have to move on" ... there are plenty of fish in the sea. Life moves on.. I know it's hard but just go out and have fun and try not to think of him. Before you know it, you'll be over him!! Good luck

Answer 9

Sarah, the best thing you can do for yourself is to not see him or speak to him again, at all. And that's not to be spiteful to him -- it's to give yourself a chance to heal. You're addicted to the feeling of being in love and, like all addicts, you have to stop taking the drug in order to recover. Don't call him, don't write to him, don't go to places where you might run into each other. Don't fuel the fire. This man doesn't love you and he isn't even your friend. He lied to you and used you. Harsh but true. Forget about him and get on with your life.

Answer 10

he doesn't love you never has if he did he would of left the wife he didn't because there was no love for you just lust there was a physical attraction nothing more you need to let go change your # and don't mess with another married man they never leave the wife the wife is there backbone the soul of their hearts while you the other was free pu**y you should of know better