How do I stop myself falling for a married friend of the family? Especially when he's so nice!!?

Question

I know deep down I have no chance with this guy. Not only is he a good decent guy that wouldn't stray, he's also so way out of my league. I know all this, so why does my heart seem so set on falling for this man when all it will do is hurt me?
Why am I not happy to settle for what I have, ok it may not be much but I still have something/someone that likes me. And why can't I seem to be happy with my life the way it is, with great family and friends just no boyfriend? Why do I seem to be so stuck on finding somebody to be with?

Thank you to most for their help and advice. I have taken it on board and will follow what I can. I guess I really just wanted to comfirm what I thought I should do by getting some extra advice. Seeing as I couldn't go to my parents and many friends would not understand nor have the sense to give such good answers and advice.
Athrodite: On a personal note, abuse is not something I take to kindly to. Firstly you don't know me and secondly its a form of bullying which I find offensive. It could also be taken as a form of slander, you called me mean old lady with nobody to love. Incorrect on all parts. An apology would be nice thank you.

Answer 1

XXXXXXXXXXX ""Lead us not into tempation and forgive us from our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.....

Answer 2

We all want, what we can't have (or don't need). Its just human nature. What we day dream about, isn't always good for us. But just thinking about it, is a way to enjoy the forbidden and also keep our self honest. Wanting to find somebody to share your life with is also normal. Maybe the timing isn't right for now, and maybe you feel pressure to find someone because of something someone might be saying. The right man will come along, and the two of you will find each other. Right now this man you have a "crush" on is probably everything (except the married part) that you are looking for in a companion. Just be patient and let nature take its course.

Answer 3

Your problem lies in the 3 statements you made in your first paragraph.

1. "I know I have no chance with this guy. ....he is a good decent guy that wouldn't stray." You already know that you are not entitled to pursue him since he is aleady happily married and therefore, by your own implicit reasoning, ineligible as the subject of your desires.

2. "he's also way out of my league" You appear to have a low self-esteem problem that provides you with the comfort if you have problems finding someone nice that you are not worthy of them. This is a common misconception since all people are created equal. It is only the worth subjectively attached to people by others that makes them seem "in a different league". Believe me, these people have the same insecurities as other living person but they just have the confidence to conceal it and push it to the back of their mind better than most. Recently in Australia a 17 year old boy wrote to former Miss Universe Jennifer Hawkins and asked her if she would be his date for the school formal and to his utter astonishment she accepted. Surely, if there was such a thing as "out of your league" this would be a perfect example. All you need to do is to build your self-esteem and confidence to the point where you are "in a league" that you feel confident being part of and you are happy. It will not necessarily be easy but you are worth the effort for your own sake.

3. ".... all it will do is hurt me". The answer to this goes back to my second point. You are obviously worldy-wise enough to realise that you will end up hurt so why would you want to set yourself up for a fall? Life is difficult enough for men to keep faithful and comitted without some young siren coming along and stroking their egos in the direction of temptation. Should you pursue this man you will join the growing chorus of women lamenting to all and sundry "All men are B#stards" when it would be you as the instigator that should be taking a long, hard look at yourself instead. Are you one of these women that are so paranoid about the possibility of rejection that you will only pursue love where you know it is impossible to develop so that you are "guaranteed" not to get hurt? If you are, you are far more likely to get hurt than those that have the courage to take the risk of rejection by pursuing an available person. Remember, noone gets what they want all of the time no matter how "important" they are so get accustomed to hearing the word "no" and move on without taking it personally.

You deserve happiness and a good partner but it is NOT this man. Good Luck.

Answer 4

Why do you even ask? If YOU already know that it means trouble, why even ask? Have you ever heard of "common sense"? Put yourself in the shoes of the spouse who has done nothing wrong to deserve the ugly mess YOU can cause...

Also, if that person is aware of YOUR feelings, and he encourages it... then he's not just nice... he's sly, slick and very wicked, and it should indicate to you that it's his routine to "get over" and you should simply stay away! Do you REALLY think you'll get away with a tryst? You KNOW that the truth usually comes out in the worst ways... why go there? Is that the reputation you REALLY want (that's what will come of it)?

Do yourself a favor and leave that situation alone. He comes over, leave. How old are you, anyhow? You don't sound too mature... and that can also spell a lot of trouble all around for everyone... hey, leave it alone!

Now you know what it is you're attracted to... now you know what to look for for youself. There are others out there, by the way. Remember that.

Answer 5

I don't think you can stop yourself falling necessarily. The heart wants what the heart wants. I certainly know the feeling and can sympathise. I think you just have to accept the fact that if circumstances were different, you would like to be with him, but they're not like that, and you'll have to move on.

It's not human nature to settle for what we have. We always want more (one of the reason that economies experience growth!). If you're not happy with life, you must take action to change. Without the low times, we can't always appreciate the highs, and the right (available) guy could be just around the corner.

We all want someone to share with, and it's hard when you don't have someone, but you will find a way to cope until you do find the right person.

Just remember... for every action, there's a reaction...

Answer 6

Relax, you have a crush is all. You realize nothing is going to happen and your dealing with it the way most of us do. As for why you are not happy, well that is up for discussion. For one thing you see the people around who are happy as a couple such as this guy and you long for that type of relationship. Being single is ok up to a point but it lacks that close connection that ultimately the majority of us seek. Right now I think your longing for that close connection. You just need to keep looking and not let your feelings for your crush interfere with your ability to find someone who is available and right for you.

Answer 7

I don't know how old you are, but it's natural to want companionship. When you feel lonely or unhappy, it's easy to idolize someone that seems so great. Trust me, you don't know him 100%. You can't necessarily help yourself from falling for him, but you can help yourself from doing something about it. I hope you honor marriage enough to not act on your feelings. I think it would be a good idea to limit your time that you interact with him, since hanging around him would just be torture for you. When you think about him, try to distract yourself somehow. My concern for you is mainly: why are you so down on yourself? You say he's way out of your league because he's a "good decent guy" and that the person you have in your life that likes you would be "settling". You have to find something that makes you feel good about yourself, whether it's a hobby or a job or church. Focus on building your self-esteem and surrounding yourself with positive people that love you. And trust me, I know it's so hard but please, PLEASE NEVER settle for anyone. You deserve way better than that. I'm 30 and after a bad marriage and a whole bunch of bad dates God finally blessed me with the perfect man for me. I almost missed him because I was so willing to settle for whoever made me feel good about myself, whoever made me feel special and loved. I was willing to overlook major flaws about them. Please don't do that. You'll only end up making yourself miserable. I wish now I had respected myself more and been super picky. Thank goodness God was always in control. Hopefully with time, your feelings for this guy will wane. Good luck and God Bless You!

Answer 8

I've been in a similar situation.I fell for a married man and we spent 8 years together.We're still great friends (and he is no longer married).Now I'm single and it is difficult at times, but I've found that getting with someone just because you don't want to be alone never works out.But then again you can't help who you fall for and you should do what you feel is best for you.Good luck!

Answer 9

Just realize the fact that he is not the one you are going to be with. Then take the next step and just move on with life because all in due time you will find the perfect person for you.

Answer 10

Girl, you just want to be in love and this guy is your idea of the man you want. Nothing wrong with that. But I will tell you what some one once told me, " if you love the person you will stay away and don't endanger their happiness". [e-mail] Angelo in Detroit

Answer 11

try meeting new people. there is always new friends that have single friends. Stay away from the friend of the family even though it may not happen the possibility of your feelings getting out will cause a lot of disruption.