What should I do?

Question

I dated this guy for a little over a year. He broke up with me and then I went through a rough patch with my grandmother passing away and finding out my father has cancer. A month ago I found out I was pregnant and told him. Its his, from when we were still together. He told me he'll be there for the child but wants nothing to do with me. Told me that he wanted to be my friend, but its just so hard and we keep fighting. I'm 20 and he's 22, he's going to college 2 hours away from me and won't really be around very much. He keeps giving me false hope though telling me that we'll see how things go between us, that there still is a possibility we'll end up together, but then he'll ignore me. Should I keep trying to be his friend or should I just forget about him and raise this baby by myself?

The father is also in the Army Reserves, and word is that they might be going to Iraq in April, which is when the baby is due.

Answer 1

I'll write more later, but I would like you to really think about what your future's going to be like as a single mother in school. I've already done that scene and know how trying it can be.

Edited: As far as this guy goes, it sounds like you should forget about him. He's not being supportive to you now and that's not likely going to change. You can't be his friend ...it won't work, unfortunately. It sounds like you still want to be with him ...and, I'm so sorry, it doesn't sound like he wants to be with you. He's already ignoring you, which is a way of telling you that he's not into the situation. His actions speak much louder than his words, based on what you've written here. Remember what I said in the future about actions speaking louder than words - forget about what he says and see how he acts. It's easy to say things and much harder to follow through. I was in your shoes about 18 years ago. I was only 19 and pregnant. I was in love with my daughter's father. He wasn't with me. I chose to continue my pregnancy with or without him. I would have been better off without him, except for the fact that he had/has a lot of money. Unfortunately, money makes a big difference in this world. He's always been there for my daughter, but it was at my expense. He was pretty terrible to me the first few years because he didn't like the situation. Every woman thinks that her situation is unique and different from the next's. I thought that too when people were advising me, but it turns out I'm just like the rest of the world of women. I was too young to be a well-rounded mother. I wasn't finished with school, but I did it, it just took a lot longer. Quite frankly, it was my daughter who suffered the most in all of this. She barely got to be with me because I was so busy studying and taking 18 units at a time. She grew up in daycare. I was selfish. I should have postponed my schooling and stayed home with her, but I didn't understand the impact I was having on her at the time. Now I know! I'd hate to see you go through what I went through (remember what I said about being different - we're all pretty much the same) I also know that I would have been terribly offended if someone had advised me to put my daughter up for adoption, so I won't suggest that, BUT think about the stability. You must really think about all of your resources at this time. You can't count on this guy - I don't think he's going to last for you or the baby - I just get the feeling that he's saying the least necessary to quiet you. Forget his false hope. Forget him. Focus on you and a very solid plan for this child that you're bringing into this world. I am available for you via email anytime if you think that my experience might benefit you and your baby. Just so you know, I made it through college and graduated with a bachelor's degree in science and furthered my education with a master's degree program. It can be done, however, there's always a price to be paid....

You're a sweet girl - you deserve someone who is going to WORSHIP the ground you walk on. He's out there. You're going to need to worship yourself, love yourself and respect yourself though before he's going to come around. Take this time to be really honest with yourself and your feelings. You're going to be fine - take it easy on yourself and remember that you're deserving of a man, not a man-boy. : )

Answer 2

I so can relate to you...I am 20 and the father of my baby is 26. I was going through a rough time with another guy and kinda just fell in this ones arms...I ended up getting back with the other guy and then finding out I was pregnant by the 26 year old. He told me he would be there...well I am due September 14th and have not spoke to this guy since May...I ended up marrying the other guy in July. We have a history together. He has been nothing but supposrtive if me and he has been there the whole time. I feel I am better off without the 26 year old and would be either way. Sweetie, if it bring you a lot of stress get away. You don't need the stress and aggrevation...especially from a guy. If you have family there to help you your better off forgetting him and doing it alone. Right now I if I wasn't back with this other guy I rather be doing it on my own. You can't let him get to you. Sometimes thats just what they are trying to do. Stress is not good for the fetus!

Answer 3

OK First off raising a child does not take two but in an ideal world its great. You cant make someone be a parent, if he wants to participate fine fine that's his choice a stupid one but his none the less. In the end the child will know the difference. Just imagine later when youve raised your beautiful baby knowing you did the best you could do and that child still loves you for it..you can only give what you have nothing else. And hypothetically speaking would you rather a dad that backs away form being a daddy or a daddy that you wish would fall off the face of the earth? LOL

Answer 4

You should let this person be a part of this baby's life if he is willing because alot of men(boys) this age do not. They are to concerned with missing out on there "youth"- I know from experience and we were still together at the time. Even if you two are not going to work and it hurts that he does not have the same feeligns for you as you have for him I think that the fact he wants to be apart of this child's life is wonderful and that he is willing to be your friend- you will need that support later on in your pregnancy and the fact that- if the two of you can- have a friendship will be better off for the child. Children do not always want their parents to be arguing and fighting and talking bad about one another. Perhaps, and only time will tell, later on he will want to be with you- I am not in any way saying that you should put your life on hold- if you fall in love with someone else that loves you and your child then by all means live happily ever after- he may later on in life decide he really cares and feels for you. He may now and the fact that he knows many lond distance relationships, especially long distance colligiate relationships do not last and are tainted with lies and cheating- he may not want to hurt you so he is allowing you to be free. Either way I would let him be apart of your childs life but just remember that in the end it is you and that baby and do what you have to do- make decisions for the betterment of you and that baby. Best of luck to you. :-)

Answer 5

I would encourage him to be an active part of the baby's life. It takes two people to make them and it should take two to raise them. There are things that a mother can offer that a father cannot and vice versa. It's going to be extremely rough on you if you receive no child support also. I would just maintain a friendship with him and if it does end up being something more, then let it. Don't try too hard or everything could come crashing down.

Answer 6

Some people have given you really good advice. But I still wanted to put my 2 cents in. I say talk to the guy, tell him exactly how you feel and ask him to be truthful to you in return. If he just doesn't know what is going on with him because of the whole baby shock, maybe he just needs some time. I mean he is 22, going off to college, so he's stressed out enough as it is. Just sit down and chat, if he's definitely not willing to get back with you because he doesn't feel that way about you, then be thankful that he's not dragging you along. In this case, just pick up your emotions and toss them aside. You need to be stronger now more then ever, you need to relax and enjoy your pregnancy. You are going to become a mom, so just enjoy yourself. Prepare your mind for the challenges to come, and just love your baby. You said he's willing to help with the baby, hopefully this is true, but just in case, you need to be ready for him to change his mind, make sure to get child support, because you did not make this baby on your own. It does take two to tango. So, I hope this helps. Good luck to you.

Answer 7

Honestly momm, the best thing for the baby is for the two of you to remain on "civil" terms. That, however, does not mean for you to wait on him to be a real man and take care of the responsibilities the two of you have created. Go on with your life, make a good home for that baby, and be the REAL family that child will need. Many single mothers do it everyday honey, and though it may be VERY hard at times, its worth the memories you make with your child. No amount of love this man could ever give you can compare to what that baby will when you be the momma it needs you to be. Good luck honey!

Answer 8

just now your hormones are all over the place, his the baby's father may have thought that your pregnancy was a shock and may still be coming to terms with this news, keep in touch with this man and give him an update on your prenancy through scan pictures etc if he is interested and keen on helping out with the baby then he will find a way of being there for you and his child, going to college he is trying to better his prospects in life and may want to do this to improve your quality of life if he gets a decent job at the end of his college days, ask him what he wants to do dont necessarily diss him but keep in touch frequently

Answer 9

you always want to be friendly with the father of your child so long as he is not abusive to you. at this point both of you have to mature put your personal feelings aside and do what is right for your baby. get a child support order in place once perternity is established so he cant just pay whenever he wants to. and be happy he wants to help but realize you are this baby's mother and if the dad deciedes not to be a part of its life you need to be able to give the baby everything it needs on your own and that you have a good family support system. and if you dont think you can do what is best for you baby by yourslef please consider adoption to a family who will be able to provide emtionally and fincialy.

Answer 10

You don't have to be his best friend, you just have to be able to get along with him when he's visiting his child. I wouldn't wait around for him, he doesn't act like he wants to be with you very much. As your pregnancy goes on try to involve him, let him know when your ultrasounds are and tell him how things are progressing. If he starts acting like he doesn't want anything to do with you or the baby, be sure to get a court order for child support. He has responsibilities to this child.