How do you help a 30 year drug addict change her ways?

Question

I'm planning a small psychology session with my mother, one on one. I’ll be giving her the first chapter of “The Little Red Book of Sales Answers” (only because the first chapters up to answer 11 are extremely effective in self help) Then, I’ll lead a discussion with her. I'm writing down critical questions to ask her, but I’ll mainly try to just listen, instead of pass her my 'sermon after sermon' speeches. I'm going to attempt some Dale Carnegie strategies with her this time. (I know it’s usually for business, but I think it'll work) All her life, I’ve been negative, critical of who she was. (I don't approve at all, of her reckless sexual lifestyle, and her continual abuse of drugs) She has never been in any of her five children’s lives (which all have different fathers.) I’ve though of just waiting it out, but it is obviously not working, I’ve even thought of writing Dr. Phil. That’s how desperate I’ve become. I'm hurting to change this because she is now forty years old (I'm 18)...

(continued from above.)...and she has never been in my life, and I fear she will soon die continuing on this way. The problem mainly is that men, a boyfriend, personal love, has always been more important than her own kids. She’s always had a kid-like mentality herself, believing she was too young for everything, and continues to attempt to live like a teenager. My grandmother (whom she left me and one of my brothers and sisters to live with) was the most strict, and old fashioned person I’ve ever met, and I think my mother has trouble living with her, or living up to her standards (even I have almost gone crazy) and that might have some deep psychological scarring on her. On top of that friends are extremely important to her, and that’s what initially led her into drugs. I need tips, questions, and general ideas to help me form an ultimate strategic method in dealing with her and attempting to bring her back to conscious, and rehabilitate her.

Please, if you need more information, e-mail me, or post your question with your answer and I’ll respond with a post here promptly, and appropriately since this is the most important thing to me at the moment.

“I woke up this morning thinking, ‘What’s going on, I’ve been praying to god she would change for years now’ then I had realized, ‘God will help you, if you help yourself’ so I realized, I need to take the action instead of sitting around waiting for things to change, I just hope its okay to ask for help in the process.” ~Me

I appreciate all your guys input and answers... However, I haven't found an answer yet that I think, would qualify as the best. You all are pretty much saying the same thing, possibly because I didn't give enough information, and possibly that also, I didn't phrase the question correctly... I don't want to change her, but I want to influence her enough to have her want to change. I mean, you guys make it sound so bad, like I want to control her, like I want to change her… (even if that was so, its not like I‘m telling her to not be herself, most of you know DRUGS ARE BAD, mentally and physically for a person) But you don’t entirely understand, I had already accepted that - she’s just going to die a drug addict, I ignored her, pretended she was already dead… and if I said that opposed to saying here on this board, then all you people would instead say “No, that’s not good, you never should give up on someone” blah blah blah…

What’s with it with people with wanting to be right so bad, that they just give you the opposite of what your asking or saying? You realize that’s how the world has been working right? So when I give up, people tell me not to give up, then when I decide to give it a shot “I’m sorry, there is no way, no chance.” On these boards I really don't know what to do, because these message boards are kind of rigged, people will just say anything opposing to what your saying because anyone answering questions 'wants to be right.' In any case, I was basically asking simply for some tips on approaching her, because actually I forgot to mention (error on my part) that she had been clean for 2 years before, and she lived here at home with us for a while (told you my wording was extreme above) so there IS a chance no matter what you say.

Also, on the side, for the people that REALLY want to help me with my attempt. Here are the questions I plan to ask her... For those Dale Carnegie readers, I'm applying specifically his strategy, "Asking Critical Questions" I forget where in the book it is, but somewhere he says as an example, doctors ask intense questions that make you feel something, like "Where does it hurt?" (something like that..) Well, here is some 'critical' questions, I’m planning on asking my mother....

What Do You Want?
1) Out of Life?
2) Out of Relationships With Your Children?
3) To Be Able To Achieve?

Where Do You Plan To Be? 1) In The Next Few Years?

As Your Children You Expect….. Us to love you unconditionally, Respect you as an elder
Regardless of your habits. Support you through all your
Endeavors

What Should We Expect From You As Our Mother?

By the way.. To Fiasco below, uhm... What you said has NOTHING to do with my question, so you have no business posting... I didn't talk trash about any illegals, I don't know why you would think that, why would I being the first in my family to be born in America?? Anyway I am taking care of my mom, and I don't think she's into crack, I believe it is Meth, though i'm not sure... But she has been doing it most of her life, I don't want to generalize in Race's like you did, I don't think black people do more drugs than hispanics, or caucasians, she can't mess up this country alone, not when there are other people doing worse.. Like you for example, wasting space and air....

Okay.. Sorry, let my anger show a little

-_-

Answer 1

OK my mother is similiar to your mother only I am 28 and she is 47. My mom is an alcholic , does drugs, always chooses her men over her kids, a compulsive liar, acts like a kid and only gets worse the older she gets.I have tried and thought of every way to try to get her to change. I even thought my first child would be a for sure way for her to want to do right! My son is 3 my daughter is 20 mos and I said forget it and stepped back. My trying to help her when she clearly wants no help added stress to my family life and my kids are more important and need me more. My way sounds cruel but I am so tired of their pathetic life that its time to work on my life! I wish you luck.

Answer 2

You are in for a very rough time. If your mother has been taking drugs for 30 years she has no idea of what a "clean"life entails. I believe that all addicts ( drugs ot otherwise) stand still in time as it were, they do not "grow"while around them the world moves on. If your mother started taking drugs when she was very young it is no wonder that she still acts like a teenager, this is because she has never matured, the drugs have taken over her life and left no room for any personal growth.

I don't want to discourage you but if your mother doesn't want to give up drugs it will be nearly impossible for you or anyone else to make her do it. She faces a tremendous challenge, not just in giving up the actual drugs but the main challenge lies in facing "normal" life, without drugs. She will need enormous willpower.

I think basically you needn't even harp on about the "why" concerning her drug abuse, you have to face it; it is a fact that she has used drugs and now it is time to look to the future.

Don't ask why she does drugs, just try to give plenty of good reasons why she should give them up.

I am not sure if you will be able to manage this feat on your own. Maybe she should go to a clinic for a while to at least get rid of the physical addiction to the drugs. Once that is over the real work ( losing the mental addiction) begins.

I wish you all the best and I hope I have been in some small way helpful to you, good luck!

Answer 3

I am sorry to say it has to come down to your mother's OWN decision to want to change. You could talk until your blue in the face but if she doesn't see anything wrong with what she's doing and doesn't see the pain she is causing her family, and hasn't seen it for 30 years...I dont mean to discourage you, by all means at least try but you may also have to look at it a different way and realize she may have already accepted this lifestyle as just the way things are. My best friend has the same problem with her father, and it is a very sad/hard thing to witness, but in the end it really has to be the addicts decision. One suggestion, if you have not done this already, is catch her in the act of w/e drug she is doing. It may trigger something in her to see the painful expression in your face and the humiliation of getting caught by her own daughter. Hope this helps...

Answer 4

I feel for you. You have taken on the role of parent. It sounds like you have given much thought to you plan and it sounds good.

Having worked in the drug and alcohol field I want you to remember this: Addicts do not change because you want them to, just as they did not become addicts because of you.

Your mother, and only your mother, has the power to overcome the addiction. Yes, through your help there is the possibility that she find the strength however, it has to come from her. No matter how bad you want it or how much it hurts you, you can not change her. You can be there for her but the responsibility for ending this addiction is all hers. No amount of love you have for her will make a difference if she is not willing to stop using drugs.

People are telling you this because they don't want you to 1) feel the burden of "curing" her and 2) waste you life away trying to save her. For addicts, the best help is often tough love. It is hard, but sometime for your own sanity, it is what you have to do.

Answer 5

It is admirable that you care enough about your mom to go to these lengths. But you cannot help her unless she herself wants to change. People only do things because they get something out of it, regardless as to how harmful it might actually be. In your mom's mind, her lifestyle & choices somehow work for her.

I truly sympathize with your situation. You are now old enough to realize that although your mother may love you, there is a limit as to what she can give to you. You are going to have to give yourself what others cannot, which may be a hard fact to accept.

Go ahead & have the confrontation with your mom, but don't be disappointed if nothing changes. At least you can say you tried. Then put your energy into planning the kind of life you want to lead, which may or may not include your mom unfortunately.

Answer 6

If she wants to change, you can help her. If she doesn't want to change, you can beat yourself to death trying to "help" her. The lifestyle that she's living is what's keeping her from growing up. I have a relative who likes to party and go from man to man and she's the same way. Maturity doesn't seem to run hand in hand with alcohol and drugs.

I think what you should do is just tell her you love her and you want her in your life and you want to be part of hers, but you can't do that with all the drugs and alcohol. Tell her you've been praying for her and that you hope to have a real mother and daughter relationship one of these days. Maybe she'll think about that for a while and then want to get help. She has to want the help because she wants to be different though. Usually they can't manage to stay away from the stuff if they're trying to do it for someone else. They have to do it for themselves. She has to hit the point where SHE wants that relationship with you enough that she'd trade her drugs for it. If she gets to that point I would suggest getting online and finding Teen Challenge. It's the best program for kicking drugs and alcohol in the States. Don't let the name keep you away. They have more adults than teens in there and it really does have the highest success rate of any other program. I hope the best for you and your mom, sweetie.

Another thought... How do your siblings feel about her? Would some or all of them go with you to tell her that you all love her and want a relationship with her? It might be easier to go in numbers than alone. Kind of like an intervention. All or most of her children saying these things to her may have a greater impact.

Answer 7

Hmm ... Well, I think that you need to show your mom new approaches and takes on life. Show her that this carefree lifestyle that she has chosen to lead all her life isn't the only way to go ... I suppose that she needs to see that life is very short, and that if she continues to live this way, during her last few days, she will realize that she had thrown all her years away being aloof and having fun, yes, but she hasn't really made anything last in her life ... like relationships with guys and what not, and she hasn't even developed relationships with her five children. As Stacie Orrico sings, "There's gotta be more to life than just chasing every temporary high."

Answer 8

Your mother has to reach a point in her own time and life where she is ready to receive help and quit using. Right now, nothing you do or say can help. She has to hit her own 'rock bottom' before she will ever come back up. In the meantime, you need to let go and let god deal with her. Live your own life and pray for her. Let your mother know you love her and you are worried for her, and when she is ready you will be there for her. Addicts are selfish, they are incapable of thinking about anyone but themselves. So don't let her ruin your life.

Answer 9

It appears that this will be hard to accomplish... someone who has lived in a certain lifestyle is usually not going to change.... she is set in her ways. I think a rehab center may be a good place to start. And the Dale Carnegie approach will be good, I think... Maybe if you showed her how much she was hurting her family (children, that is), which I haven't the slights clue on how to do that... But definitaly good luck.

Answer 10

"Hello The Great Pr...!
First, you, me and others on answers can offer you little or no adequate solutions to your Mother's delimma.
No one, here, knows "how to."
There are some good ideas towards seeking help. I believe you already have most of the answers you'll need to determine the "how." At least, your not limiting possible solutions. I feel certain Dr. Phil could offer some good advice. Try him too!"