I met someone and I feel alive again, is it finally time to end my long marriage?

Question

I have been married for 14 years and it started out good and then as time went on, I found out who my spouse was. He constantly kept secrets, told me lies or would tell me nothing at all. We have already seperated for a year and went through marriage counseling, groups, and seminars, but we still do not hardly ever talk, he Never asks how I am feeling, he is jolly and I am always sad. Then I met someone else for the first time since I've been married and I feel alive!

Answer 1

If you are not happy then leave. Better to be happy with someone else than stay miserable in your current situation.

Answer 2

Love can do that remember. It can also be temporary. Being always sad usually means you have issues. Going to the right counselor can be way more important than just seeing a counselor. Wanting to find the issue and not blame someone else (you may not be doing that) it an important start. Imagen the weight you will put on this new person if you get sad soon or not so soon and that person has made a commitment. Individual counseling might be a good idea. Love can be permanent but that is actually rare. Usually it takes work.
I've been married for fourteen years three times. Good times and not so good. Heres what I learned. My problems are the result of unresolved issues with others in the past some as far back as childhood and no one else can kiss it and make it better. I like to get it kissed etc. but that is short lived. A great key is whatever really gripes me about others is actually my own problem. That is hard to swallow but tastes better than failed relationships. So been there done that good luck.

Answer 3

14 yrs is a lot of time to invest in a relationship and then leave because your not "happy." it sounds like as time went by he became more comfortable with the marriage and quit trying. common for men at middle-age. there must have been something about him that attracted you to him to begin with, unless he is what you settled for. i would have a sincere heart-to-heart with him and let him know what it is going to take to make you happy. make sure you ask him to let you know what he wants out of the marriage. if your goals are different and he feels he can not meet your needs then you may want to divorce. a good divorce is better than a bad marriage. if, however, you want your husband to fall in love with you again, fall in love with him again. if you can't chances are you never did. and "What you gonna do when the new wears off and the old shines through"? the glow of the honeymoon dims in every love as the years go by. have that talk with him soon.
i have been married three times. this present marriage for 25 yrs. my wife and i went through this same scenario a few months back. we checked into a motel and stayed in bed all day. we became closer than we ever had been. you would be surprised how oprn everyone becomes when there are no distractions and no clothes.

Answer 4

shouldn't you have thought of these things 14 yrs ago? How can he make you happy?bring you breakfast in bed?do the housework? Take care of the kids while you go paint the town red? I'm thinking you're saying yes to some of these things. So he doesn't ask how you're feeling, TELL HIM. DO YOU ASK HOW HE IS FEELING? I BET NOT.BUT IN YOUR SELFISHNESS,YOU SEEM TO FORGET THAT. If he is happy,maybe he is creating opportunities to be happy or sees the good in every thing. Being married doesn't mean your spouse tells you every f ucking thing he does. Would you rather you pushed him into some woman's arm who'll accept him for who and what he is? I DIDN'T HEAR YOU SAY HE TREATS YOU BADLY OR YOUR KIDS BADLY,ABUSE YOU OR YOUR KIDS.
Have you tried talking to him? YOU ARE SEPERATED:YOU DO NOT LIVE TOGETHER.BELIEVE IT OR NOT,HE HAS THINGS GOING ON AND SINCE YOU ARE SEPEARATED, HE WILL NOT CALL YOU OR TALK TO YOU AS OFTEN AS YOU'D LIKE.

I'm getting angry typing this,so as far as I'm concerned if you want to run off with another man(and by the way since you're not divorced,you are cheating on your husband,BETTER BELIEVE IT), do whatever you want to do and then I bet you come 14 yrs later,you'd have the same complaints about the new guy you met. It seems to be you are more idealist than realist and are escaping your problems by meeting someone else so you don't have to confront your husband OR you want your husband to be like the husbands potrayed in movies and on TV. Let me tell you something,hon: Life is not a movie or a sitcom. It's real and sooner or later you have to deal with it!!!!

I have never been married,but my parents' marriage are a bit like what you are describing,the only difference being that counting their engagement period,they have been married for 32 yrs (engaged for six yrs,but NEVER lived together;my mom was smart like that and my dad was in medical school). Sometimes staying an hr with my parents and seeing them argue over stupid stuff like which movie was better or when making a shopping list,you'd think any minute they'd scream divorce,but they don't!!! It's ok,especially for me and my brothers to know and learn from them that no matter how bad things are and will be,they can and WILL resolve it. I am also proud of them for being christians and invoking God whenever a sitUation gets ugly.They may not talk to each other because they want to avoid some ugly scene,but they WILL PRAY TOGETHER and after they do,I swear it'll be like nothing happened.
The point of my rambling is this: TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND,APOLOGISE TO HIM,FORGET COUNSELING AND WHATEVER(YOU DID MARRY HIM,NOT THE COUNSELOR) GROVEL IF YOU HAVE TO AND PRAY LIKE YOU NEVER DID BEFORE.ASK GOD FOR HELP and I am the last person on earth who'd tell anybody to pray. You went into HOLY matrimony with him with God as your witness and then when there's trouble looming on the horizon,you jump ship and start sleeping around.
Good luck with your decisions,but if my future husband whoever he is does something like this, I will raise hell and he will pay for it!!!

Answer 5

Get out! Get on with life! I spent 26 years married to a woman that was mean, abusive, and lied habitually, because I thought it was the right thing to do fcor the kids. I was wrong. I should have left LONG ago! Go while you can! I finally found happiness with a beautiful woman last year, and I've never been happier. Of course,it doesn't hurt that we dated almost 30 years ago and have been thinking about each other ever since. Go for happiness.

Answer 6

Good Lord! You found out who your spouse was? People change overtime that is just how it is. Did your vows say I will forsake all others until you no longer can ring my bell? I am guessing not. People are to eager to leave their marriages. It is fun with this new guy because it is new. Like you said your marriage started out good. This new guy will be the same way. After the new wares off you will be unhappy again only this time you will be dealing with different issues than you are now.

Answer 7

I think that if you both have given all you have and nothing seems to rejuvenate the relationship, it time for a divorce. if you feel down and you spouse feels alive 9 out of 10 hes found someone himself. i would go ahead file and get on with you life. you cant worry about what makes others happy till you yourself is happy, and you can always find love again in you spouse and remarry. but do what you heart tells you but listen to your head as well!

Answer 8

Sorry for your situation. Doesn't sound like he will change. I know your hurt, angry and full of emotions....but you need to consider the following:
1. Who stays and who goes?
2. Who pays the house bills..telephone, electricity, water...?
3. Who's name is on the bill and that needs to be changed.
4. Do you have joint bank accounts. Does your paycheck get automatically deposited there?
5. Mutual funds, investment accounts and savings accounts?
6. Who's making the credit card payments?
7. Who gets the pets?
8. Who gets which car and who's making the payments?
9. Who will be the custodial parent and what visitation schedule is in place for the other parent.
10. Child support?

All these things need to be looked after otherwise you're gonna have more things to worry about during the seperation.

Good luck?

Answer 9

Then get a divorce. Dont start seeing this new man until you are officially divorced because your husband can use it against you in a divorce. Tell the new man the truth, that you are married right now. Sounds like you are ready for a change and your marriage sounds like it should end, or at least sounds like you already want it to end. So end it.

Answer 10

That is great! I would definitely suggest a divorce. You deserve to be happy and in love with someone who feels the same about you. Don't waste any more time with your marriage. Sounds like you gave it a good chance to get better. Move on and be happy. Good luck!

Answer 11

14 years is a long time invested in a person. there is no easy way to answer this question. i believe that what you need to do is alittle soul searching and heart searching.... ask ureself those hard questions that u probably never asked ureself before u got married? my question to you is "did u lose ureself in this marriage?" Did ure husband allow u have have and keep ure own identity? were ure needs, wants, and desires catered to you or were they dismissed? u gotta do some soul searching...

never leave a relationship or marriage because u ahve found someone who makes u feel alive...Leave because it is something that no longer benefits you as a person and as a woman and it is no longer conducive to who u are as a person and as a woman......NEVER...EVER leave because of someone else.....