My story is about a 22 year old slacker with no direction in life. He just got fired form McDonalds and is now on a quest to find a 10 year kid who didn’t get the right toy in his happy meal. Zach Fitzgerald is an Eternal optimist. Or so he thinks...
This is the first paragraph -
My day is divided into 4 equal parts. Wake up – Part 1. Go to work Part 2. Jerk off – Part 3. Go to sleep – Part 4, all taking up equal parts of my day. When I wake up, I’m not surrounded by the smell of Foldger’s coffee in the morning or the feel of my 7 year old kid jumping on my stomach. I wake up to a godforsaken alarm clock blaring and a lazy dog licking my big toe. It’s really amusing if you think about it. Showering is probably the only time I have to myself, the only real time I get to reflect on the future. The future being McDonalds, under priced hamburgers are my calling. I’m 27 years old, no child, no wife, and no friends, and I couldn’t be happier.
2006-08-30 05:45:37 · 8 answers · asked by Stevenson J 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
Well, I think the idea is interesting. Your ages are off. You say a 22-year old slacker. In your story, he's 27. How about a three-year old jumping on your stomach. A seven-year old makes the reader stop and do the math (at least I did).
Your story sounds like you spend a lot of time alone, but then you say that showering is the only time you have to yourself. Leave out the yourself part and say that showering is the one time of the day that you actually reflect on your future.
You got my interest. Keep going.
2006-08-30 05:55:11 · answer #1 · answered by dashelamet 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The thing about the kid with the wrong happy meal toy is a really kind of cheap plot device, unless Zach is supossed to be simpleminded a la Forrest Gump. There is no reason for Zach to go chasing after the kid except to progress the plot, and frankly it's kinda dopey. What if he thinks that the kid could actually be his son, and he goes searching for him?
2006-08-30 08:07:53 · answer #2 · answered by Ella S 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The story should start more at "When I wake up, I'm not surrounded..." because it soundes more smoother and it grabs the attention of the reader more than the list. I agree with person about the plot. Remember a person has to want to keep reading. As a fellow writer myself, I would encourage you to keep on writing. Looking forward to the next draft.
2006-08-30 16:37:25 · answer #3 · answered by brookie1977m 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The summary is more interesting to me than the 1st page. I'd like to hear the optimist in him if that's what he is. A search is interesting. The 1st sentence should start appealing to the reader's curiosity, like the last sentence in the summary.
2006-08-30 05:59:30 · answer #4 · answered by ma8pi 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would not describe it as great literature. I dislike narrators speaking directly to me, I find it a bit familiar - 'it's really amusing if you think about it' - well, I haven't thought about it, because what I've heard of your life so far is not interesting. Perhaps keep working on it. Had anything published?
2006-09-01 18:00:00 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I liked the voice your story was in. The phrase jerk off was jarring though. Other than that I thought it was a good start.
2006-08-30 06:39:11 · answer #6 · answered by sp_isme 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you should check out www.authorspost.com . You can submit your story there and other writers/readers will critique it and give you tips on how to improve it. And you can do the same for them as well.
Either way, keep writing!
2006-08-30 17:01:36 · answer #7 · answered by horrorreader 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it alot and would love to read more of it.
2006-08-30 06:13:38 · answer #8 · answered by heathermcdavis19 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋