Do you think it is wrong not to forgive an ex-partner and father of your child who cheated?

Question

we aren't together and I don't want him back but obviously we have to have contact for our childs sake but I can't bear to speak to or see him due to the lies/psychological abuse in the relationship (we have bare minimum contact via text and email and he collects/drops child to Nursery on Access days) I feel that if I don't force myself to forgive him and have a basic civil relationship, I won't move on in my life or be a better person - it's really hard. Any advice would be welcomed.

Answer 1

hey... you dont HAVE to be in contact with him.. and to be honest with you... you're not wrong for feeling the way you do.. take your own sweet time.. one fine day you'll wake up and realise that he simply doesn't matter anyway...

but until then, don't force yourself to do something you don't/can't want to!

Answer 2

I went through this and am to an extent still dealing with it and I would recommend finding a way to forgive him. I don't know how recent this situation was but my relationship ended about 6 months ago and although it still hurts, I have finally had enough time and healing to where him and I can be civil with each other. I think keeping your space from him for the time being is wise because if you go and see him the resentment and pain is going to resurface making it difficult for you two to have any means of communication that would be deemed as civil. You need time to get over what has transpired and until then giving yourself the space you need is perfectly okay. You don't have to be his buddy right now or ever so long as you don't fight with each other every time that you are near one and another and especially not around your child. The more time you give yourself to move on with your life, the more you will heal and with that said you will eventually find the means to forgive. Just don't rush yourself and don't feel guilty. What he did to you was very deceitful and no one should blame you for still undergoing any pain. Think about you for now and getting past this whole ordeal and hopefully once you are, you will be able to find the "civil" relationship that you want with your ex for the sake of your child. Good luck:)

Answer 3

One of the things that helped me was to do a time line of the marriage and relationship because most affairs are cause not by the act which could be just a tip of the iceberg. The problem with most relationships are done over time by both parties. Try to learn from it and take what was done and look at the positives and the negatives in a new light. Don't let your bitter feelings affect your relationship with the your kid or the child relationship with their father. If you have problems dealing with your ex maybe it might be a good idea to get some therapy and if you have problems dealing with child caring issues maybe hire a parent coordinator to help the rough points. Be fair to the kids always. Good luck

Answer 4

You don't have to force yourself to forgive him. This is my personal experience. The more you are anxious to get over him, the more pain, anger and hatred you have for this man, the harder it is to forgive. What you should do is keep minimal contact and focus on other things in life. Things that may you happy. It is unlikely you will forget. So, you should keep yourself occupied with happy thoughts, focus on how you want to achieve those happy thoughts and over time, the kind of emotions where you feel so strongly about this person will diminish and you will feel less hatred and angry because this person no longer means anything to you. That is the time you wil forgive the things he has done.

It will not be easy. In fact it is a torturous process. But looking back now, it was the right path to take because I had the opportunity to let out all the anger, unhappiness and hatred within myself. The more you force yourself, the more unhappy you are and the harder it is to find your own happiness.

Best of luck, pal. Your happiness lies in your own hands, not that man.

Answer 5

To me, there are people that cheat and there are people that never cheat. There is no middle ground. Dump him immediately. If he wasn't man enough to stay faithful to you, or give you the commitment of marriage when you have a CHILD, he's not a man. He's a boy who wants excitement and to live for himself, not his family. If you stay with him, what are you teaching your daughter? You would be showing her that you have no self-respect, and do not demand good treatment from me. Next time you search for love, choose wisely. I think where people go wrong is when they only follow their hearts/lust and aren't honest with their partner about what they value, and what they expect out of a relationship/marriage. A true relationship is one where you value the same things and want the best for each other. Honesty is integral to this. Your daughter deserves a father figure who has integrity and who has no problem making her mother and her his first priority in life. Good luck!

Answer 6

I was in your exact same situation four years ago, when I got my divorce. I filed for divorce bc I caught him cheating, red-handed. The image still haunts me. We spent 10 years together, and had two children. In the beginning there would be women (hags, should I say) hanging over him at the soccer, baseball games, etc. The first time that happened I threw up. But...as time passes you have to realize that if anything, you had kids together, and you should be civil with him, and try to get along for the kids health. Never, ever say anything negative about him in front of your kids. As they get older, they will draw their own conclusions.You can forgive honey, but you will never forget, and that is okay. You have to do it for your mental health and your well being. Don't dwell on it. It is what it is, and the most important purpose you have is to be a strong mother and role model for your kids. Good Luck~

Answer 7

I had a similar situation and it is difficult I never did forgive him for all the hurt and pain he caused me both mentally and physically, but you have a child together and as long your child is happy and you are civil to your ex partner in front of your child then, no you shouldn't feel obliged to forgive him. You are a good person without having to forgive him, and you have moved on your no longer in that relationship. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Answer 8

You need some type of closure for your childs sake at least and maybe yours as well. If you still harbor ill feelings then you are still "hung up" on him and ubable to completely move on. Which may cause problems if and when you start another relationship. Try being open and explaining to him that your relationship with him is strictly for the child and that you will never be able to love or trust him again.

Answer 9

Your right as to forgiving as we are to forgive, but one thing we can't do is forget. I'm married to a lady whose husband also did the same, even stole the identity for one of his boys, messing up his credit and he is only 12 years old. I don't like to preach but I will tell you that the Bible does say "There is safety in the multitude of counsel." So as the other person said you could seek counsel and if you can't afford it look into getting some from the church.
It will take time to get over it, feeling that you have forgiven him but I would say never forget, because if you do then he will do it all over again. Have a Blessed Day.

Answer 10

You do not have to forgive him, but at least keep it civil in front of your child. Your relationship issues with him should not separate the child from the father.

Other than that, you should let it go, and continue with your life. Harboring the feelings of anger or hurt inside you is only hurting you. Let those feelings and take that step into the first day of the rest of your life.

Answer 11

Only TIME heals wounds. Sounds like this happened within the last year. Just remember that life moves on and eventually other issues will be more important in your life.
Just remember that he's moved on and for the sake of your child you need to as well. Talk to a counselor, pastor or someone qualified.
Good Luck!