how do i stay calm and feel ok with this?

Question

my bf and i have a wonderful relationship but his ex-girlfriend contacts him every three months. sometimes just to chat but usually some drama. he doesn't love her anymore but has promised to be there for her if she needed him since she started getting sick with ms. he doesn't want to have contact with her but she's holding him to his promise and he's a very moral and honorable man. I love this about him and that he's so caring. he doesn't want me getting involved or talking to this woman but won't tell her to get lost or be horrible to her. mainly because he feels guilty. I have to find a way to feel ok with this situation or we will split up. we are both in our forties and i have my past and problems too. he's very supportive of me. the good far outweighs this little irritation but i keep getting very upset when she rings. any help to stay calm or things i could try to deal with my feelings? I really love him. we don't live together yet but i want it to go forward

he keeps hoping she'll leave us alone.

when he talks to her on the phone he sounds so caring and nice

I only found out about the promise last night so perhaps now I can understand him. It's a panic that comes over me that I'm desperate to control.

Answer 1

Trust. There is no other way, you have to trust, or just throw it all away. And if you chose to trust, do so. You can't make your life a living hell when you are not the one in control of the situation.

Answer 2

Isnt that what you said you loved about him so much, the fact that he is so caring... If he is supportive of you and your problems, just let the ex call.....
You are the one that he is with, he has made it clear that he only does it because he told her that he would be there for her, and wishes to keep his promise.....
Dont let something so little be blown up into more than it really is (im not tryin to sound rude or sarcastic, and I apologize if it sounds that way)
Does he treat you any differently when she calls??? If not, just look at it as him being a good person like you say he is... Go for a walk, or watch TV in a different room while he is on the phone with her, and dont let it eat away at you or else it will eventually split the two of you up!!!!!
Best of luck!!!

Answer 3

I think all of us have a mean jealous streak in us , even if we don't want to admit it. If after all this time her calls still bother you, I am sorry to say it is very likely they will continue to do so. This does not mean that you are a bad person. It means you are human. You do after all see the facts of the situation, and that he is trying to be a good friend. He has stood by your side through all of it so far. You will have to learn to try and take more comfort in the fact that you are what he has chosen, and not worry about her so much. I am sure that what she is going through is difficult, and she may really need him as a friend right now. I have a feeling that soon she will move on from both of your lives, but you will just have to give it a little time. Good Luck with this,.

Answer 4

.

I can empathise with your position in this.

May I suggest, and this is not a critisism, that you really
look at why this situation is causing you a problem, it sounds
from what you say that everything else is good and so wonder
if there is something underlying your discomfort, maybe there
is something from your own past that is making / causing a conection for you in this and this is where the discomfort lays.

It may even be worth seeking the help of a counsellor or
psychotherapist if the situation persists as it could be the
type of thing that if left or ignored festers and turns into
something more destructive.

Hope you find your solution.

.

Answer 5

Why doesn't he want you talking to this woman? If they are just friends and he is just being supportive, then you could be supportive, too. He's giving too many excuses and yet continuing this. This sounds like a communication problem between you two.
Either he really is just a supportive friend, but feels he needs to make excuses to deal with your jealousy, or something more is going on here and you need to find out what.
Try to talk calmly about this. Tell him if he is truly just a supportive friend, you would like to be supportive of his friend, too. At least to talk to her just once or meet her. If the friend is just looking for support, then she should be understanding of his new relationship with you and respect that and not want to cause problems between you two.

Answer 6

He sounds like a really caring person and as there is no romantic or loving situation between them, I believe it is just his nice nature that makes him stay in touch with her. You don't say the reason they split up but if he feels guilty, perhaps it was his decision and (as he is so kind) he is just trying to make up for it.

Your feer comes from your own insecure feelings, perhaps because of a previous relationship you had. Maybe you were hurt badly and don't want his to happen again.

Try to live with it and undrestand that he is just being kind and helpful. It may be hard, but if you love him I'm sure you will cope with it.

Good luck

Answer 7

Well, knowing somone with MS myself, I feel the sympathy for her and know she needs lots of support. Frankly, I feel sick that you are so selfish you want him all to yourself and won't think about what this poor woman has to deal with. I know from first hand how devastating the illness can be and a friend who can help, even just to talk to, can be a big help. I'm sure there's nothing going on between your boyfriend and her and he has the right to have female friends, so just lay off them. It makes me sad to think that you both just want rid of her and can't see her side of the story. You say he is supportive of you, so why can't you just get on with your relationship and let him help out other people as well.....

Answer 8

If I were you I would tell him how I feel, its better to come out honest about your feelings than play the good girl. Yeah you are in your forties and so we are human if both of you are mentally matured you should talk, and if he is an honest bloke he would tell you all about her.

But if he still has feelings for her then baby girl, you have to step up your game or the EX would become the Miss. Remember we are human beings and can Fall.

Answer 9

If he has given his word he would be there for her it's very mean if you split up with him while as i understand you still love him. She was with him before you even met wasn't she. If you think you can be of a good advice to him, offer him help. If you think she is messing about and being unreasonable put in a few words without a sarcasm for him to make his own judgement. It's sometimes hard to be patient, and if patience is not for you then you maybe right about thinking of splitting up.

Answer 10

He has no reason to feel guilty, and you have every reason to feel upset. If all she wants from him is support, then there's no reason you shouldn't talk with her or go along for a visit if he visits her. And if he really wants her to leave him alone as he says, he should just tell her that he isn't in a position to give her the kind of support she needs right now.