what do you think of my poem?

Question

just wondering if you dont like it thats fine but please dont be an *** about it positive critisicim welcome though

I am a ruler of a glass city that is marvelous and grand
surrounded by walls to protect he fragile contents inside
surrounded by walls because i have so much to hide
surrounded by walls because i have been hurt before
surrounded by walls because this is all i want nothing more
surrounded by walls because i like to appear strong
surrounded by walls because nothing could be more wrong
surrounded by walls because IM afraid of pain
surrounded by walls and that's where ill remain

Answer 1

Outside the wall is a better place,
Where the grass is greener, morning dew on their blades.
Outside the wall there's more,
Why hide when there's so much in store.
Have been hurt before,
It's lesson learnt, wiser now, I am more.
It was pain, but I gained.
Outside the wall I learn to be strong
Just by observing what's going on
Why stay alone
Come out of your comfort zone
To outside of the wall

:-)

Answer 2

It works well and gets your message of vulnerability across in an honest way.
You have the support of the rhyming scheme for the pairs of lines, so perhaps you can find a way to break some of the repetitions of the first half of each line. Maybe just a bit of variety instead of the word "surrounded" all the time; hidden or defended.
Because the first line is different from the others, perhaps there could be a last line which 'mirrors' it in some way, and continues the information from the line before:
....where I'll remain
until I feel......(contd)

Keep writing and enjoy what you do!

Answer 3

Nice theme and idea. May I suggest using the line "surrounded by walls" only once or twice? Use punctuations instead of these repetitive paragraphs and I'm sure it will be more effective. You're not writing a song but a poem, are you? Just my thought.

Answer 4

Nice imagery.
The only weak spot in the poem is last word in lines 3-8. If you try to find more descriptive words I think your poem would be perfect.
As is though, I do think you did a good job
Congrats!
Thanks for sharing,
Sara

Answer 5

Ya a very good poem.I wonder how do u get an idea of dexcribing in a most acceptable form.I think ur poem is acceptable and readable by every body .A good thought indeed.

Answer 6

The purpose of poetry is to use language to suggest more, implicitly, than it actually states explicitly. There is no mystery in this poem; everything it means, it says. It is like reading a mechanic's manual. It evokes nothing more than it explains.
Keep trying.

Answer 7

It's kin of repetitive. I would suggest adding a line in between the "surrounded by walls..." lines.

Answer 8

Good insight. But you need to use better words, and should put in a little more juice probably through punctuation. Add a little more gravity.

Answer 9

good but it needs some refinement... try looking at it in a few days and you'll see things you might want to change. I like the style and the idea behind it... good poem.

Answer 10

i felt like you have put my feeling in the form of poem!

well i loved it .would you keep on writing more and would you let us read;plez?