What to say when someone you know has suffered a miscarriage..?

Question

Recently someone decided that it would be fun to poke mockery (on Yahoo Answers) of the death of our son, Zachary that we tragically lost on Aug. 2, 2006 (second trimester loss), to see the post go here http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AgvfvT8UVTdkz94gVQkYgvzzy6IX?qid=20060829033342AAIaG9w

I thought it would be important to post what to say to someone who has endured the pain of a miscarriage..

Things you should say
Do call her and tell her you are sorry for her loss.
Do send her a card or flowers to show you care
Do let her talk as much as she needs to or wants to.
Do give her a hug to let her know you care.
Do offer to help with housework, babysitting or other things that she may not feel up to doing.
Do acknowledge her baby.
It is okay to say I don’t know what to say or I don’t know how to help.
Do call and check up on her. The pain does not go away in a couple days.

So with that posted what else do you think would be appropiate?

Forgot to add .. to find the details of where I got the information of what to say .. as well as what not to say go here -

http://lifestrategies.thingseternal.com/storms/pregnancyloss/friend-miscarriage.html

Answer 1

Act like she just had a baby and lost it at birth, because in many ways, she did.

Her body is going thru hormone withdrawals (from a pregnant state to a "normal" state) and we all know how hormones alone can make someone emotional.
Plus, she just lost her child, she's afraid, what will happen NEXT TIME?
Can I chance it?
Will it be fair to take the chance?
Some women won't want to talk yet, so just "be there" as "moral support." Say, make dinner and take over or have two or three friends who can pick days to do it for say a week or two, not that she can't, but to let her know your THERE. Not being alone in the world when grieving is so important, even if you don't use them.
Drop her a note in the mail or a "sunny card." Even if she lives in town.

In other words, just be a true friend.

(I have 6 sisters, one alone had 3 miscarriages before having her first of 2 children).

Answer 2

I am sorry for your loss. I am 6 months pregnant. I had friend who suffered a miscarriage earlier this year. It was so depressing b/c she couldn't tell her mother that she was pregnant b/c her mom didn't like her boyfriend. I took her to the hospital and stayed w/her until she was taken to her room in the hospital for the night. The sad thing is our kids would have been a couple of months apart. I didn't want to tell her I was pregnant b/c I thought I was being mean b/c I found out that I was pregnant a couple of months later after she miscarried. You're a strong woman. I talked to friends who had more than one miscarriage and now have 3 kids. You'll be a mother. Your child was a blessing. I wouldn't say anything to that person who posted that b/c some people on here don't have a heart. I asked a question about low income housing and someone made a smart comment and said I should have been on birth control. I deleted the question b/c I thought it was rude. So just overlook ignorant people. Pray and keep the faith. I'm sorry if I said too much I was upset that someone would post a question like that. Well hope this will help, I will keep you in my prayers.

Answer 3

I am sorry for your loss and people are just evil sometimes!! I think your suggestions are appropriate and simple enough for anyone with a heart and half a brain to accomplish! Just say SOMETHING even if it is "I don't know what to say...but I am here for you if you need someone to talk to or to just be there for you" rather than saying nothing at all.

At the same time...not everyone handles a miscarriage the same way. Grief is a process that no two people have the same response to. You find comfort through talking about it...some people do not. Some people heal by going through the entire process...some people do not. Regardless, I think the number one thing someone needs to understand is that grief, whichever way you decide to handle it, can not be deemed either a "good way" or a "bad way" of handling it. There is no manual of how to handle grief and no one can judge someone else for the way they choose to handle it.

Also, whenever ANYONE loses ANYBODY people have a tendency to become uncomfortable around them. They think they'll say the wrong thing, they don't know how to react and they just get awkward and uncomfortable around you...that is always my problem. When someone has a miscarriage a huge issue is that many people believe "Well you didn't even KNOW the child, why be so upset?" Again, grief is a unique process. It doesn't matter what the loss is, how significant or insignificant someone else deems it to be...you FEEL the loss and that is what matters.

When I had my first miscarriage my very good friend and I found out we were pregnant at the same time. She was beside herself and felt awkward and awful around me all the time. She never stopped talking to me...but it was just there all the time. I ended up feeling bad for HER for feeling bad for ME and felt terrible that she felt she should have to diminish her own excitement at her child's birth. Whereas, some people WOULD be upset at someone else getting to have their child while you are grieving for a lost child.

Again, everyone handles it differently. There are no universal responses or reactions to a loss of anything important to someone.

Answer 4

Sometimes the best thing to do is not to say much of anything, except that you are there for the family as a friend to talk or to do whatever else is needed. I'm sure they don't want your sympathy or you telling them that you're sorry. It's just like reliving it all over again whenever someone says something to you about it. I personally think it would just be harder to hear people come up to me and tell me that they were sorry or that it's ok because you can have another child (which someone did to a friend of mine). I know it will never truly go away and get better and no future child can ever replace the one you lost. It's just nice to have friends that will help you out and maybe help you get your mind off of things, at least for a little while.

Answer 5

Ask her out for coffee once she is feeling up to it.
Ask her if she would like to be around your kids or if it's too painful but don't ask her to babysit.
If you share her faith, encourage her to come to services and pray with her privately.
If you do not share her faith, you may still pray but do not mention it to her. This is not the time to witness.
If you have been through a similar experience, let her know but don't dwell on your own pain. It's her turn to grieve.
Let her yell at you if she needs to; anger is normal and she has nowhere to go with it.
Give her the freedom to grieve in her own way. Some women will cry a lot, others will become glued to the tv.
Don't let yourself drift away from her. She will likely withdraw but it's when she needs friends the most.

All these are written for the mother but it is important to realize that the father is grieving as well.

Answer 6

I lost my husband 2 weeks ago. There is nothing anybody can say that will make you feel better. People make offers to help if you need it, but you probably don't know what anybody could do. For me, it is easier when people say, "What are you doing?" instead of "How". A simple "I'm sorry for your loss" and a great big hug. And, keep calling to check on them, don't forget them after a couple of weeks. At first, time makes it harder not easier.

Answer 7

First off, I would like to say that I am sorry for your loss. It is hard to say anything. A friend of mine lost her baby and we were pregnant at the same time (she was further along) and I didnt know what to say, I felt uncomftorable talking about my pregnancy because I didnt want to make her sad. I just let her know that I was always there for her. I dont see how anyone could think it is funny. I also think that if someone needs space and doesnt want to talk about it, you shouldnt push it. Just let them know that you will be there when they are ready.

Answer 8

Thank you so much for the info. It must be terrible for you right now. I have a 21 mo son, and I honestly don't know how I would cope if anything ever happened to him. I am truly sad for you, and am grateful to Heaven that you are finding ways to manage your grief that also help others understand how this affects a woman. God bless you in your mourning, and God keep your beautiful Zachary safe till you see him again in Heaven.

Answer 9

I'm so sorry! The cruelty of some people is beyond belief. My heart goes out to you for your loss. A miscarriage is the ripping out of a piece of your heart, along with your dreams and hopes for the future.

When I had mine, I fell in on myself for awhile and saw the world through a blur. I turned to my gods and goddesses at that time. They lent me strength and pulled me together, because I was in no shape to do it myself. My bf of many years was beside himself with grief, and we clung together through it all.

Stay strong for each other. Don't forget to hold each other, tell each other how much you love each other, and do little things for one another.

Those who have not gone through this painful experience do not know the grief and anguish you go through.

It is alright to grieve.It is alright to have fits of anger and depression.

While some people are very cruel, there are those of us who know how you feel and will keep you in our thoughts, prayers and meditations, hoping for your healing.

The pain does not go away. Even after years, it is still there, but it becomes bearable.

Be strong. Blessings to both of you.

Answer 10

My cousin suffered one too. I didnt really know what to say at first, but when she reached out to me, I just allowed her to talk as much as she needed to, cry as much as she needed to, talk about her connection to the baby as much as she needed to. I accompanied her to her favourite places, and just did as much as I could to comfort her. Supporting someone who's suffered a miscarriage is basically forming a friendship. When friends reach out to friends, everything else comes naturally.