A question about my husband, his mistress and my daughter?

Question

My husband moved out and signed a lease for a new place to live. We are signing our separation agreement tomorrow. My husband's girlfriend is going to be moving in with him.

We have a teenage daughter and she has been too involved in this divorce process. She knows everything and has even talked with the mistress. She has yelled at the woman and has even threatened her. She's been hurt by all this, and she's been too involved.

I want my husband and daughter to have a relationship, but I'm not sure how it will work. I don't want her to feel uncomfortable going to her dad's house when the other woman is there, or even seeing "their stuff". I also don't know when or how they should meet. I know there will be a lot of hatred from my daughter.

Any advice on this would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

Answer 1

As much as this must bring you great joy to have your daughter come to your defense, you and your husband have done this poor little girl a world of injustice. Your daughter should not have been involved in any of the divorce process. But now that the damage is done, it's time to do damage control.

You have to sit down with your daughter and your husband and have a heart to heart. Dump it all on the table, let her vent her frustrations, worries and concerns, then excuse her, and the two of you are going to have to reach a compromise based on your daughter's needs. During this conversation neither you or your husband are allowed to hash out any grievances...this is no longer about the two of you, it's about your daughter. Stay focused on that. If the mistress topic comes up, suck it up mom, take a deep breath and deal with it. You are going to have to if you want your daughter to have any kind of a relationship with her father. This is going to take time. There is no band-aid that you can place on the gaping wound the two of you created. Give her that time. If she doesn't want to go to her father's then have her father pick her up, spend some time together and he can drop her off again. If he doesn't like it, he also needs to be told it's not about him. He sort of lost that right when he picked up the mistress. You both also need to keep in mind, she should never be expected to accept this woman into her life. In your daughter's eyes, she is always going to be deemed the "homewrecker". Any attempts to ease her into it, is only going to backfire. Either she accepts her in her own time, or she doesn't.

I really wish you the best of luck with this. It's a mess honey...I'm not going to lie to you. You and your husband put your daughter through an emotional wringer. Please keep this in mind for future incidents....it's NEVER okay to tell children a parent's personal drama....they have enough stress of their own just being teenagers!

Answer 2

This is how I see it. How old is the daughter? She not to blame for the problem maybe your husband is.... Maybe the daughter needs to tell dad how she feels by herself... A friend of mine is in the same boat... Dad is getting divorce daughter blamed new girlfriend for 2 weeks and dad told daughter he likes this lady a lot and if she would give her a chance maybe she would like her too. Today his daughter loves his new girlfriend, and she now lives with dad. But don't let your daughter think you don't care about her. Now it is time to be the friend she can talk too about different thing and just not as her mom. But what she tells you can't jump or fill in the lines and start accusing dad. Or maybe fine out what brought you and dad together in first place. And maybe try to bring back what was missing from your marriage in the beginning.. I think marriages can be saved... Be open and Honest with yourself and ask yourself one question is he worth fighting for? If yes win your husband back, not cut your loss and be done. Myself divorce is the easy way out.. The kids are what get hurt the most..

Answer 3

From what you've written, I'd say your daughter is more than capable of making those decisions for herself. The girl is sharp enough to figure out what's happened is WRONG and has every right to be upset with him. Personally, I don't feel she's too involved because his decisions effect her . Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like he took that into consideration and hasn't acted as a responsible parent should. It would seem to me that a parent would want their child to to be comfortable with any change in their life, especially with a teenager. You'd think he would have ended the relationship with you before moving on and letting your daughter adjust to that before any new relationship. Only he didn't do the responsible thing and now you and your daughter both are left to work it out alone, hurt and feeling betrayed. I say let the girl alone and decide for herself Not to mention it's his responsibility to be her parent and nurture a relationship with her. You can't force it, he has to want it and get his priorities straight. Ending a relationship with you is one thing, but he should have been a father regardless.

Answer 4

1st
I'm soooo sorry your going threw this...

You didn't mention how old your daughter is but i feel she is old enough to make a decision on weather she will ever want to talk to her Dad.

Unfortunately your husband is thinking very selfishly only of himself. What he didn't realize is how it would effect your daughter.

She seems to have been betrayed as well as you. So in fact what he is doing is divorcing both you and your daughter.

he may not see that or agree with that but your daughter can not be forced to live where she doesn't want to. Also I don't think you have the right to impose that on her either.

Remember this time does heal all wounds eventually she may want to talk or she may decide her Dad made a poor choice and she will never forgive him.

Again im sorry you and your daughter are going thru this

signed Tim

Answer 5

Only time will heal this wound. And it is a very unfortunate situation. It is good that even though he did this to his family, you still want your daughter to have a closeness with him. It is up to the father to try to make things work, and that will take time if he is willing to do so.
I wouldn't force her to go to see him until she wants to do so. Also, it's a good idea not to talk badly about him around her (even though I am sure he deserves it). I am sure there is no justification to what he did, but if he does treat her well, and he does show her he loves her, she may come around eventually. She cares for you and it hurts her to see what he did to you, her and the family. I don't blame her entirely for what happened.
I'm sorry the two of you are going through this, and I do hope things work out. Just be patient and give it time.

Answer 6

Good Lord! He must be a horny bastard. Why on earth would he move in with another woman immediately and put your child thru this? Doesnt he think he is moving kind of fast. He owes your child some stability and he has no consideration for her at all.
Look at it this way. Lust doesnt last forever and sooner or later, he is going to be tired of this old whore and then there will be the next one and the next one and the next one.
I would just be supportive of your daughter as much as possible and forget he exists. You would think the a.ss could at least wait until you get a divorce.

Answer 7

WHAT???? Why in the beginning are you nonetheless with this jerk? Mistress? potential you're nonetheless living with hubby, and he's have been given 2 to play with? provide your self a certainty verify. needless to say he won't allow you to fulfill the missy, does no longer pick to place a acceptance to the face for you? and you're allowing your daughter to flow with him to his mistresses at the same time as she has to sleep with a 5-6 12 months previous? OVER MY ineffective physique!! completely beside the point, he the two famous suitable gentle drowsing preparations to your daughter, or she does not go. easy as that.

Answer 8

FYI.......She will go to dad's and have a good time even with the girlfriend, and come home to you and tell you how horrible it was. She knows you don't want to hear that she had a great time so she makes it all bad to make you feel good. That's the kids job to work each parent. She'll be fine, just don't ask her numerous questions about her Dad's life or his girlfriend and don't bash her dad and degrade him around your daughter. Remember he'll always be her dad no matter if ya'll are together or not. Kids always want their parents to get back together no matter how old their are......We all dream of having a "Leave it to Beaver" family.

Answer 9

Well, the first thing you can do is stop being a freakin' doormat. That has nothing directly to do with your question, but the mere idea that you would hope to control your daughter's emotions because they might be uncomfortable for her jerk dad is laughable in the extreme, on several levels.

My advice to you is to let your daughter and soon-to-be ex-husband work out how they will relate to each other from here on out. Since he has let it be known how worthless you are to him, your concern should not be for him in any regard. In fact, you indicate that he ran around on you and let your own daughter in on the "secret". She has responded appropriately...with disdain for her piece of trash dad and his floozie.

Maybe instead of trying to get your daughter to make nice, you need to borrow some of her fire here.

Answer 10

I think your daughter may need some counseling to deal with the understandable anger she is feeling. Perhaps you and her father can go too--but not the mistress. She needs to work out her anger toward her father if she is ever to have a good relationship with him.

Good luck!