Our friend hates us! Long, but please help us!?

Question

My BF and I have this close friend, Jay. We've known her since were kids, and has been our closest friend. When we started dating 4 ½ years ago, she and I were closer then her and Chuck, and she told me that she thought he was abusive (he accidentally broke my foot once dancing, and years later, still feels horrible about it), and that he was obsessive because he loved talking to me. We’ve been best friends since we were born - so her saying this was dumb. Anyways, I told her to shut up, that it wasn’t true, and we moved on. Over the years, her and him have become closer - and I was ok with that. Now, however, she has become vocal about her HATERD of us. It started at a camping trip a bunch of us took, and we decided to sleep next to each other (something that is common…we are extremely close)- and she threw a fit. She yelled and made a huge scene, and had an huge attitude with us for the rest of the trip.

When we got back, she went and told his mom that she needed to ‘control her son’. When she asked us what she meant, we told her the truth about all that happened, and she felt that Jay was being out of line, and she didn’t have a problem with us sleeping side by side. So, I wrote Jay an email, telling her that I’ve treasured her friendship, ect, and how I hope that if she had a problem she would feel comfortable enough to talk about it to me. Well, after she read it, she called up HIM at 3am, yelling at him about this email, telling him that I was out of line, ect - but it was a nice, sweet email. He stuck up for me. Later on the next day, she told him that we made a huge mistake getting together, how we are doomed, how I abuse and manipulate him (which is so far from the truth…I could never do that), and how he could do so much better then me. She said that she hopes we never get married, and how because I have poor health, that he is going to regret being with me forever.

The reason she said that she was saying all of this now was because we recently got engaged, and she just wanted us to have an ‘outside’ opinion. But we have plenty - and all have been good, or had constructive criticism…nothing downright hurtful. We decided that we were going to talk to her, and if she didn’t stop saying stuff like this and apologize, we were going to stop being her friend. But when he tried (she won‘t talk to me), she kept changing the subject. A few days later at church, she talked to him but completely ignored me standing next to him. Chuck got upset and told her that she needed to stop that, and she stormed off. Later on, she told him that she was saying goodbye, that she wouldn’t talk to us again until things changed. A few weeks went by, and now she is talking to him (not much, but hello and how are you and giving hugs)…but not me! He is upset about it, and tries to avoid her, but she pretends not to notice it.

Sometimes, I think she is rubbing her dislike of me into my face - and I don’t know what I’ve done! I want to write her another email, and try to ask her about what I’ve done to upset her, if anything, how I can fix it, but also that if she wants to be our friends, she has to accept us as a couple. Her older sister is getting married, and she has never had a BF (shes 19), and we think she might just be jealous. But the things she said were very hurtful (I cried all that night about it), and I want to say how she’s made me feel. How do I go about doing this? We are not sure if we want to be friends with her again, after all, she has made it clear that she will not be ok with us, and so how can we be friends if she won’t accept us for who we are? But at the same time, she is the oldest friend we’ve had…and we don’t want to loose her. What should I say in this email? Please, help out on how to handle all of this…

Answer 1

Sounds like she is jealous to me. I don't really know what her problems is, may she has some emotional issues that she don't feel like she can talk to either of you about.

If she was a true friend she would be happy for you. And if she didn't' agree with the relationship, she should tell you how she felt and dropped it. She should still be supportive of you two, if she was a real Friend!

You two should just move on with your lives. Enjoy each other and be happy that you have found each other.

Don't let her bring you down.

Good luck!
Congratulations!!!!

Answer 2

you think shes jealous?? your friend jay doesn seem like a friend at all, if you already tried talkin to her, and she says that she doesnt want anything to do with you, well, i dont know if there is any thing you can do... Your friend may be feeling kind of lefdft out, seeing that you and her sister are getting married. Your friends probably really hurt, adn the only way to make herself feel better is to talk trash to you. It just boosts her ego. For no, give her a little space (if thats possible) sooner or later, shell come back ruuning. If youve known her since you were kids, there really shouldnt b a reason that your relation ship should jepardized.

getting married should be a happy time, so try not to think about this jay girl to much.

all the best!!

Answer 3

Did you ever think that maybe your friend Jay might have liked Chuck as more than a friend before you two hooked up?

My best friend and I went thru this a couple times. There were three of us, 2 girls and a guy. The problem started when we both liked him, only I didn't know she liked him. Then, when he and I got closer, she started to get jealous. Eventually, we got thru it. She is still my best friend, and he and I are friends, and he his happily married to someone else.

You need to figure out what is acutally going on. Friends are forever... since you have known her since you were a kid, you've obviously been her friend longer than you've been his girlfriend, and you need to decide if that is something you are willing to throw away over a guy.

You also need to take into consideration that maybe she is seeing something in him that you don't see because you are infatuated.

Don't listen to all these people telling you to get rid of your friend. My best friend and I have been friends since I was 7. We went thru this mess the first time when I was 17, and again when I was 19. Now I am 26 and she is still my best friend. What happens when you throw away this friend and your guy goes and finds someone better, and your friend was right not to like him. Its better to work it out now than to have to go and grovel for forgiveness later.

Answer 4

You need to cut this so called friend loose. She is jealous of the two of you being together and it also seems like she kinda wants your bf for herself. She's not a true friend or she would support you and be happy for you. Go ahead and send her an email, tell her exactly how you feel but also tell her that you are not going to put up with her starting rumours and making you feel like crap. If she still chooses not to talk to you, you might be better off.

Life is too short to fight with others who are just hating on you. Enjoy life with your fiancee and if you have to sever al ties with her in order to be happy, then do so.

Good Luck.

Answer 5

Honey she is just jealous. She wants your man and she is angry that you won him over and she did not. Move on. Start a good life with this man that you love so much. Forget about her. She will only cause you both problems. She will most likely do anything to break you up. It sounds like she has got major problems. Stay away from her, and don't let your man talk to her anymore. Both of you stay away from her. She sounds like a psycho. She will cause problems in your marriage if you do not stop it right now.

Answer 6

oh, that is so sad! well, first off, maybe shes jealous! maybe she wants him, and now that its too late, trying to get him away from you...thats kinda how it sounds...if you guys have been together for 41/2 years, then it sounds like you know each other well, and it will be a good marriage (congratulations!) but I think you should find out exactly what is bothering her....she might actually want you to know. in the e-mail, or maybe a handwritten note with nice pretty stationary, you should be sympathetic to her cause, letting her know you WANT to be her friend, let her know this is just a bump in the road...you can get over it! as for your fiance`....good for him! he sounds like a good guy, you'll be happy together. if she doesn't want to reconcile, then you may have to end your relationship with her, but I sure hope you don't! good luck! you're in my prayers!

:o)

Answer 7

that is long. and what a horrible friend.

i understand what u feel, but sometimes letting go is the best. why hold on unless u know she can change her attitude? she might have a crush on ur bf(which is chuck right?) tt's why she's so resentful of u.

give it a shot for the LAST time. then give up. honey, it's no use putting urself thru this torture.

Answer 8

It's time to move on. If her 'friendship is causing problems and complicating your life more than it is making your life better, than she isn't a true friend. It may just be a toxic relationship which you need to get out of for your own emotional well-being.

Answer 9

Man this sounds like a typical case of the third wheel highschool kid thing.

She must not be your "friend" if she hates you. So what are you gonna do?

Answer 10

No offense but if you send her an email then cut it short because that is one long question you got going there and she prob wont read it all