Boyfriend's mom, arrrggggh?

Question

I have a big problem, and anyone who answers this, God bless em! My problem is my boyfriends mom. I have been with my bf for 8 years (i'm 23) and over those years she has said and done some pretty shitty things to me. For example, in front of me she asked my bf who he loved more (he said i love you differently - good answer) She also said to me "oh it is a good thing you arent' pretty like I used to be when i was younger, people are so jealous." What is up with that!!?!? My bf's dad just passed away 3.5 months ago so she is super dependent on my bf. (she always was) Her husband and her almost got a divorce and were not that close, she always used my bf as a substitute husband. The problem now is that my bf was given the house and she plans on staying there for 5 years. I am wondering where that leaves me. She said to me the other day (just to get me riled up i know) "what if i never leave? You will have to live with me forever." The thing is I won't, she is crazy, help!

Answer 1

I'm tired tonight and I'm sorry, but i didn't read all the other answers....

The question I have is...Why was the house left to your boyfriend and not his mother, if she was his wife? That seems strange to me.

Maybe the mothers anger is not really aimed at you...

Is it possible that you are suffering from a severe case of "misguided aggression", meaning that the mother is deflecting onto you any anger that she may have towards her own son, or her husband...(especially if she and her husband weren't close).

Is it possible that through no fault of your own, you've been made to pay the price of her having an unhappy, and unfulfilled private/family life?

Society says that one should not feel animosity (or jealousy) towards ones own family, but if this was indeed the case, that would make YOU the easiest scapegoat...

Just a thought, maybe I'm thinking too deep, or maybe not....

Perhaps it's time for you to help your mother-in-law find a way to embrace what we'll call her newfound "freedom", and hopefully give her something to smile about.

And yourself some peace and quiet on the homefront...

If this is not the answer, then obviously you have to kill her with an axe....

and a shovel....

and a hammer....

Answer 2

First, this must be very tough on you. Second, I apologize that this answer is going to be a bit lengthy. Stay with me.

The mom is expressing serious dependency issues. Her son is her baby, and in her mind nothing should come between a mom and her son. I wonder if they are of a different culture? My grandmother is the same way, but it comes from her tradtional Lithuanian upbringing.

Regardless of WHY she's being so dependent, do not even try and change her. You won't, it won't work. She will always be the way she is, unless she wants to change herself.

The real issue is your boyfriend. If the two of you are going to have any type of future together, he needs to first admit to himself (and you) that you are the most important person in his life. In any marriage (I assume that's the ultimate goal here, forgive me if I'm wrong), the spouse MUST be the most important familial relationship.

Then, he has to make sure his mother knows this as well. Right now is an adjustment period for her because of her husband's death, so he should go easy on her at first. But he needs to tell her that it is NOT okay for her to treat you like this, and that he is prepared to cut ties with her if she continues. It seems drastic, but he has to be willing to make a choice if it comes down to that.

It will take her a while to change her ways, and I suggest making it easier for her by being super nice. Or, if that's what you've been doing all long, let your inner ***** out and go head to head with her.

Basically, 8 years is long enough. It's time for you to put your foot down and say "This is not how the rest of my life will be." But be prepared to walk away from them both if your boyfriend chooses his mother over you. My sister in law wasted over 14 years engaged to her fiance, and it finally ended because she was tired of his mother always coming first.

The tricky situation you're in is made even worse by the loss of your boyfriend's dad. Right now is not the time to give him an ultimatium. Since she's the only parent he has left, he's more likely to say he'll choose her over you based on the grieving process alone.

Best of luck to you, contact me directly if you need to talk to someone.

Answer 3

Oh she sounds like a definite problem. Truth of the matter is that she isn't going to go away in 5 years because she doesn't "need" to leave unless her son asks her to. Ignore her comments and why not just stay there at the house and drive her crazy so that she will want to leave? Kill her with kindness too. The more you show it bugs you, the more she is going to make her snide remarks. I'd say to have a talk with her but she sounds like she isn't going to listen to reason at all. Do things at the house to drive her insane so that she will be running out the door. :)

Answer 4

Sorry to be blunt, but here's the real problem:

You and your boyfriend aren't married.

You have no legal claim on him, nor have you really answered another question: Exactly where is your bf's mom supposed to live now that her husband has died?

Sure, they weren't getting along and had problems. Welcome to the real world of marriage. Okay, I'll take it face value she isn't a princess - but I'm willing to bet her husband wasn't a prince either.

Okay, she feels threatened by you and she has some dependency issues to work through with her son - but if he's her only son, this isn't uncommon in the least.

Have you honestly and sincerely been entirely, completely polite, civil, supportive and understanding of her and her problems? If not, why should she reciprocate for you?

So where does all this leave you? Mom and son are living in the home their husband and father left them. He's 23...why isn't he moving out on his own? If he's 23 and still living with mom, I think I know exactly where that leaves you.

Yes, this may be harsh, but as a 45 year old married man, I think some of this needs to be said.

Hope this all works out for you.

Answer 5

Your bf must know that you and her are like oil and water, you just cannot mix. Moving in with her would be like committing suicide. A home is a place where you should be able to relax, feel safe and be comfortable. If the two of you move in with her it will be pure hell for you. Your bf is in a tight position as well...how can he pick between a woman he's been with for 8 years and his mother? It must be really hard on him as well. If he really wants to move into the house I think you have to tell him that you want to be with him, but due to his mother you're going to have your own place. From what you've posted it seems like this woman has it out for you and would do something to break the two of you up just so she can have her boy all to herself. I hope you get through this in one piece.

Good Luck.

Answer 6

So while all this is going on, what's your bf doing or saying? Can he see why this is upsetting to you? By having him inherit the house your mother in law to be has put him in a horrible situation.

You have to decide...is living with this person who won't ever let go...she's a jealous, vengeful person...a sacrifice you're willing to pay to be with your bf. Because if not, you'd better start thinking about moving on and leaving him alone with his mom.
Good luck! Be strong!

Answer 7

Remember that almost all men love their mothers and are very protective of them. If you disrespect her he most likely will take her side even if you were just standing up for yourself. Plus, I'm old-school, I believe we owe it to our mates to "honor" their parents (as long as they're not crazy-dangerous of course)!

I was in a situation like this years ago. My fiancee was my soul mate. His mom hated it. She had an AWFUL and physically abusive husband, and my boyfriend often had to protect her. She really used her son as a surrogate husband. We eventually broke up due to her lies and meddling. She passed away eight years ago of breast cancer, and to this day he has not had another serious relationship. It was and continues to be really sad for him.

Based upon my experience I would RUN away fast. But you must do what is best for you in the end. Good Luck.

Answer 8

do you love youf bf as much as you are willing to sacrifice everything...I mean everything...from what is physical, what is moral or for whatever sacrifices, insults, comments and stuff like that...But hey if you are...then live with it. But if youre not sure...you must draw the line. I perceive things in a positive manner that all of us deserve to be happy, satisfied and should have peaceful undertakings in life. Your BF's mom poses a great deal of a problem later on. She actually is competing with your bf's love and attention...and its clear that your bf's mom doesnt realize where she should stand. Draw the line now! be clear of what you need and what you want. Be clear of what you feel. Be clear of what you want to make out of your life. If your love for your bf is genuine, true love...hey I salute you. But what about your happiness? think about it.

Answer 9

Time for either boyfriend to rid of mom or you need a new boyfriend! My husbands(for 12 yrs) mom is the same way. She is a nightmare. She has said things like here maybe you need this book, it was "How to find a good husband"! And many other rude and nasty things I just ignore her. I tell you I have wished a million times that his mother was more like my Mom. NICE!

Answer 10

this kind of women are crazy, i hope you have great life together with your bf, but much as i know people who has that kind of bf moms never have a happy life. the only thing you have to talk to your bf and uneasily tell him what is the situation and what you think about, the only person who can resolve the problem is your bf.
good luck