Is it cheating if hubby won't give it up?

Question

I know the answer to this one, but I had to put it out there. I'd never actually DO this. (Not like there are any candidates waiting in the wings or anything.) I'm just frustrated. But I really WISH it wasn't cheating for you to find it elsewhere if you WANT sex and your partner won't do it and won't tell you why.

I'd say it's cheating for HIM to get it elsewhere when there's a willing participant at home, but as a hypothetical, when the shoe's on the other foot what do you think?

We've got a 9-month old. We've only done it twice in 12 months!!! Help me!! Arrrrrgh!

I've tried to get him talking... I've joked with him and inserted little reminders that I want it in our daily conversation... I've turned up in nighties... I've scheduled it for him... he won't budge and I don't know why.

He's always here though when he's not at work so I'm positive he's not getting it elsewhere.

I'm actually starting to get depressed about it now though. I don't feel like smiling or being happy when he gets home from work. I'm tired of shaving my legs and getting all tidied up every couple days only to be ignored. (I'm about ready to tell him to give me a couple hours notice when he DOES want it.) My relationship with the guy I married is missing!! I feel like I should put up posters or something!

Answer 1

Don't put up posters, and I hope you're not telling all your friends about this. There are many possible reasons for this, and it's up to you, as the strong wife, to be mature about this. Of course, the biggest problem is him not telling you why. That is what you have to get out of him. No jokes, no kidding, no pressure from you - that's your job. To be open with you about it, he's got to feel that you won't judge him AT ALL, no matter what it turns out to be. For starters, he could be depressed - and I mean really depressed. That doesn't mean he's moping around or sleeping all the time, that's not always how it's manifested. He could have troubles at work which he's scared to tell you about. Anything that threatens his perceived role as a man and husband could be bothering him. It also could be a physical problem. There are lots of things that can affect testosterone levels. Before I go on, you have to understand that although it's a couples problem, you are not to blame for anything. Just be supportive and try to get through this with him - it will get better once it's solved. Back to it could be medical. You don't say his age, but a guy should get checked out by a urologist - just to check. There are a few conditions which could be hampering his sexuality, which can be dealt with easily - others with adaptation. It's better to know the answer and deal with it than put it under the rug. Now you have the biggest mission - getting him to talk to you about it. You really have to present him with a totally non-threatening environment at all times, so he'll let loose with you. It may take a lot of time. Bring it up at many different times, but honestly it's how you bring it up that's important. I wish you luck, but I know it can be done. I have been there. A dry spell is no fun, but once it's fixed, life can even be better than before, so there's always hope!

Answer 2

Calm down, it's not the end of the world.
Talk to him about how you feel and do your best to seduce him at every oppertunity. Eventually he'll give in and the sparks will start to fly once again. It's hard after the birth of a baby to get back on track. Fatigue, stress, lack of sleep, they can all put a sex drive on hold.

Then find a way to temporarily satisfy yourself. If masturbation doesn't work for you, try your local adult boutiques. I know it sounds strange, or even distasteful, but it's either suffer, cheat, or take care of it yourself.
Suffering will only make you miserable. Cheating will damage or even destroy your marriage. Self satisfaction doesn't hurt anyone and may help you along the way.

Answer 3

go see a doctor
go see a counselor

you already know that going elsewhere for sex will only make it all worse and worse

don't let him ignore you
don't let him put you off

libido never matches perfectly in any marriage, but twice in 12 months is enough outside the norm that you should be working toward something closer to what you would prefer (maybe not exactly the frequency you would prefer, but much closer)

try not to nag but make sure he knows its important
make sure he realizes that your whole relationship (including stuff that wouldn't seem to have anything to do with sex, will get better if your intimate lives are better)

tell him it isn't a crime or a sin to not be interested in sex, but it is not acceptable for a spouse to ignore the desires of their spouse

see a doctor
see a counselor

there are many things that are out there that can help, depending on what sort of help is needed

Answer 4

U have to take it on an individual basis. Since u have 9 month old -he may have a Madonna Complex-where he feels he can't have sex w/ his baby's Mom. U may need to get him to a Psychologist or Doctor to help him understand his feeling n talk it out. If he refuses and ur so tired n fed up w/ doing w/o and u don't want to leave then u have to decide what u want to s do. In that case many say its cheating - I personally don't because the marriage contract is not being lived up to. Ur choice.

Answer 5

Was this your first child? Sometimes, it can be really difficult after the first child to get things going again- its like someone stole your sexual identities and switched them with happy homemaker mom and dad.

You know in your heart, cheating is cheating- even if they are not willing to have sex. The main problem is the lack of communication as to why you arent having sex. You cannot fix the problem unless oyu know what it is.

sometimes guys get really freaked out after seeing you give birth- maybe a conversation along those lines might bring out some details as to what the problem may be.

Answer 6

Something is wrong. Do you think he's cheating? Do you think he has a problem with you being a mother now? Have you talked to him about it? You need to answer these questions. I would insist that he talk to you about it. Surely, he knows you are a normal human female and the appetite for sex is as real as it is for food. To deprive you is to abuse you in a sense. He wouldn't deprive you of food would he? And if he did you would go and find some so you wouldn't starve. Need I say more?

Answer 7

It's cheating either way.

I would maybe just get him on a vacation or something and try to spark the flame again. I'd say it's probably stress from having a new baby and worrying about stuff. When you're worried, it's hard to really enjoy sex.

Answer 8

I think you know best if he is getting it elsewhere.Just compare the freq of sex both of you had before and after birth. For example if your sex rountine was like weekly affair before birth and now down to twcie in 12 months, he must be over flowing or releasing it elsewhere

Answer 9

Darling what ever you do dont look somewhere else for it i would class it as cheating, have you thought about toys to try and spark things up????
Guys are wierd and get turned on by that sort of stuff.

Answer 10

Well we have a 17 month old and I haven't wanted sex very often since my son was born and it drives my hubby crazy. Its kind of odd for a guy not to want sex though....did you ask him what the heck his problem is?