I need help please. My mom is dying and we have a poor relationship. I have mixed feelings on her?

Question

..I guess a love/hate relationship.

My mother has been mean to me and is extremely critical towards me..I can almost never please her or do anything right. Of her 6 kids, she likes me, her oldest daughter, the least.

I only remember her apologizing to me twice in my life. This all hurts me greatly.

On the other hand, she has helped mequite a bit with financial problems (but is so angry she has to help me that it kind of negates her giving and makes it harder to appreciate)--I do though, sometimes she says she loves me or is nice once in a while.

Please give me a couple minutes to complete this with additional details before answering or come back and check for more words if you can.

She favors 3 of her children over the other three. The ones she likes are awful people overall...one was in prison when he was younger for hitting a guy in the face with a crowbar (and many other things he did growing up). He is better now but is still (I feel not that changed inside)..He

and his wife disowned his previous daughter from an unwed relationship and wrote her out of the will just because she did not show up once for an invited dinner. A few years ago, when she just had a baby and had to have several blood transfusions and separate from her infant and was told (in error it later turned out) that she had a brain tumor and then fibromylgia, she called her dad and told him she needed him and was crying and he told her "I have moved on..I have my other daughter and son now" (him and this horrible wife of his). The other two are better but judmental, snobby, apathetic, and just into money it seems ,, and 2 of the three favorites turned out bad kids (one absolutely horrible drug addict).

I assume my mom likes them as they are thin and rich and have nice houses and she can brag about that.

She was a daughter of a baron growing up and from an aristocratic family in Italy and has this pride thing and always worries about

and always worries about what will the neighbors think.

I-on the other hand-have been told by hundreds of people I am nice and kind and sweet and have a heart of gold. I reared 2 kids who won multiple national and local awards...more than anyone in their schools..my one son won a $16,000 scholarship (the 2nd highest one awarded to 500 students) and many others and the youngest was good citizen of the month every Sept for the first five years of elementary school and good citizen of the year 5 years in a row, etc. They are now grown and productive, decent men never in trouble. I tried very hard to rear decent sons and be an excellent mother.I did this living far below the poverty level with no help from my workaholic husband who was never there. After 14 years of marriage, he left me and remarried another woman.

Then I went to college and earned a degree with a 3.9 GPA after 5 and 1/2 years of school with many honors. I had an elementary certification and kids

loved me telling me I was nice, fun, interesting and they liked the way I taught. Peers told me they had never seen children love a teacher so much.

I then became disabled and now continue to live in poverty and also am overweight. I am assuming this is why my mom doesn't like me--ashamed I guess (but I like myself despite her dislike). I never can figure out why she doesn't like me. There is a rift between the three favored kids and the other three kids as well.

It may be my mom did not get good mothering as her dad died when she was 5, her mom was depressed and ignored and neglected her, and her grandma (who she said treated her well) once locked a half brother repeatedly in the basement as she didn't like the father my mom remarried when her first husband died as he was a peasant, so to me the grandma sounds awful. My mom also had a hard life and stepped on a and mine after the war.

I want to reconcile with her and seek and give forgiveness as I don't want it to end

like this..and have regrets or a harder time healing. She recently said she loved me after we had a fight..but then a few days later we had another fight..this was 3 days ago and never of us has spoken to the other since. I find it hard to be around her as I get upset thatshe doesn't appear to care about helping set things right between us while there is yet time. It seems she never thinks any of theis is due to her. When I have tried to tell her "I don't feel loved" or I am hurt, she becomes furious and says' "how dare I feel that way and she was an excellent mother" The subject is hard to bring up as she doesn't understand there is a reason I feel that way and I can't help my feelings. It seems when I try to make things better, they just get worse. I do not know how to reconsile or what to say exactly. It all eats away at me. I will miss her terribley when she dies, but that may be because I am dependent and have no one to talk to so even a few minutes is better

than nothing.

I have very mixed feelings of wanting to be there with her and avoiding her to spare myself more pain. Please help..I don't know what to do..she is also in bad shape and pain. I am worried time will soon run out. Thank you.

Answer 1

well my dad died of brain cancer when i was1 turning 2when i tell ppl that i get the same response,''you were lucky cuz you did not know him to miss him'' i knew NOTHING about my dad and i never will he died valentines day in1998 now being 12 i go to a breathment camp for kids who lost their parents if your mom does die you should come e mail me but try to get as close as possible to her learn everything there is to know about her I'm so srry that this happened to you buy god knows what he is doing and sometimes we may not understand it but he does if you EVER need anything im here for you if u just want someone to understand and talk to or just sit on the phone in slience i will(678-368-1920) feel free to call or email me im so sorry for your mom but remember you will move on it doesnt seem like it now but you will

Answer 2

I know that my father is and always has been much much harder on my brother, he is the eldest. My sister says she is hard on her oldest daughter because she is the oldest and she expects her to be almost perfect. She isn't mean towards her, but my father is more than he should be to my brother. He says my brother is the oldest and should be in the position to help the rest of us 3 girls out, but he is in the worst shape of all.

My mother passed away 6 years ago at the age of 55. I of course did not have a perfect relationship with her, but we grew closer toward the end of her life.

You only have one mother even though she may not have been the best mother, I believe she really does love you. You are her oldest.

You should just tell her you love her because you love her not because you feel sorry for her and her illness. If you act towards her as you would like to be treated, you will have no regrets. Tell her how you have felt and feel now. Thank her for all she has done for you. Do as you feel you can do emotionally.

Be the best person you can be. I am sorry you have these mixed feelings and I hope that my words have helped in some small way.,.....

Answer 3

Your right, she does need to give you time to adjust and handle the situation your own way. Suck it up - is not a fair response from her. That being said - once all the anger/confusion clears a bit (and it will - but just take at your own pace - NOT anyone else's) you will need to understand what she did she did not do TO YOU. Your parents are people in their own right, and while their actions affect you, you are most definelty a third party. You dont have to chose sides, or be any part of it. To be honest, it really isnt any of your business (the details). You will need to seperate yourself from what your parents do as a couple, b/c you are not a part of that. Once you see your parents as people, individuals w/ their own agendas - you can then decide how you want to engage yourself w/ them. If you miss your mom and your relationship with her - by all means - you should have that relationship in your life. But it can be on your terms now too... not because of the situation, but because of your age, and where you are in life. Please dont end this relationship b/c of her cheating... you were never a factor in that, and you shouldnt have to be now for the ugliness. It wont come easy - but it will come. Good luck.

Answer 4

Well this is an awfully short answer to a rather long question. It seems that you need to get into therapy to help you resolve these issues. Until you can put aside all of the outside relationships, you will have nothing but bitterness. I am not saying that she is not deserving of your anger, because I would be very angry were I you. However, being angry does not help you enjoy time with your mother while she is still alive.

Answer 5

hi. i have mixed feelings about my mom too, so i can relate a little. i think you should definitely reconcile, or at least make an attempt on your part.

i suggest you forgive her in your heart, but when you talk to her, don't bring up her shortcomings and your objections about her. just say that you want to reconcile and put your differences behind you. and that you love her. it's not likely that you will suddenly be her favorite, but at least you know that you did the right thing for yourself. on the one hand, she wasn't a good mother to you. on the other hand, because of that, she probably had a hand in making you determined to be a better mother and person yourself.

Answer 6

you need to do everything within your power to reconcile right now because if you dont it will follow you for the rest of your life i know because my father died 2 years ago of cancer even though our relationship was good i still have dreams to this day about him dying in ways other than which he did and i miss him very much if you dont reconcile while you have a chance you might as well die to because the lack of her presence will hurt so much that you will not be able to cope

Answer 7

Do your best to have a relationship with your mom. She may show more attention to the others because they are so troublesome. She probably realizes that your independent enough to take care of yourself. Besides you do not want to live with regret the rest of your life. You will be able to say that you did try to have a good relationship.

Answer 8

Funny . . . this looks a lot like this post:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/;_ylt=AhGEREYYpUrSjYabsGoAGh9IzKIX?qid=20060828201632AAuyLrp

Is there a reason why you decided to copy and paste that question EXACTLY and put on here? Your not the same person are you? Hmmm.

Your obviously a cold nasty person with no sympathy at all to that other girl. Get a life . . . seriously.

Answer 9

i think you should be very proud of the things you accomplished for you and your children.as for your mom goes i think if shes dying(which im sorry to hear) you should get all the bad feelings out of the way because if you dont you are going to feel very guilty for not getting things right with her before something happened to her. tell her you are sorry for the bad things you have done and for the bad things she has done to you,,and that you forgive her. you will feel right with yourself doing this without having a grudge against her.

Answer 10

i lost my mom when i was 18 and on the wake, i didnt feel anything, it was just a show, but hey gurl, as years go on, im missing her more n more, so reconcile to her and if u dont have any fond memeories on her, the its time u make one.