I am requesting permission to join UM because I am interested in the events that take place on your campus. I am a student that graduated from MHS (Miramar High School) in the field of Aviation with a 3.4 GPA. My SAT score is a thirteen hundred and my ACT score is 24. I was a member of the varsity football team, and gained over 100 hour in community service hours. My attitude towards anything is to put 110 percent in anything I do and perform exceptional.
Now why do I want to join UM well first you are the home of the Hurricane, one of United States top football team, but mostly after observing campus activities, and the events that take place such as meetings and the outstanding performance of teacher I was focused on joining UM. The learning environment is rich, and teachers do no fail to help you in anyway possible. For example, I was visiting the school, and I need to find the nearest computer to e-mail my counselor telling her that I loved UM, but I got lost and went up to one of the teachers Ms. Jill she referred to all the computer areas. Not only did she referred to all the computer areas she also gave me a map of the location of building on the campus.
I could also help in events that take place on your campus. Such as helping in clubs like the Chess club, or joining some kind of squad, or even helping in campus work like campus clean up, or security guard service. I could help the staff service like in the library, or helping in the office. Like I said putting more than 110 percent into everything I do would ensured you that the work I do would be as if a perfectionist did it. From all the campus work I would do my name would be know all around campus, it like if you come up to any student and say “who is Junior ” I can ensure you that a majority of people would say “I know him, he is the boy that is always doing something on our campus, and getting all those good grades.”
Thank you for taking your time to read this letter. In closing this letter I hope you consider me as a wonderful candidate for your school UM home of the Hurricanes!
2006-08-29 12:48:49 · 5 answers · asked by Fritz J 3 in Education & Reference ➔ Higher Education (University +)
please b real if i sux or need correcting let me know this..
2006-08-29 12:56:15 · update #1
Well first off I want to tell you that it is wonderful you are seeking a higher education. It is a GREAT experience!
As for your admissions essay, it could use some work. There are parts of it that seem to digress (you needing to find a computer, "who is junior?", etc) Dont name names in your essay (Ms. Jill), that just makes it too personal. Talk more about why you want to get a higher education and what you will do with the knowledge you will obtain from that university. Talk about your need to learn and your desire to become whatever it is you want to become (you mentioned aviation).
The last part is quite cheesy to be honest. "Who is Junior? I know him, he is the boy that is always doing something on our campus, and getting all thsoe good grades." That is NOT something you want to include in this applicaiton, while it is a good thought, it is not likely that on a campus of that size, people will actually be gossiping about your achievements and your grades.
While I do wish you luck with your education, I do believe that your essay needs some work. Talk more about yourself and what it is YOU want to do with your life and how you will utilize your education. Please accept this as constructive criticism, trust me, you will be recieving a lot of it it college.
2006-08-29 13:05:18 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Is that your letter of application?
You really need to have someone edit it for you. Your sentences tend to be too long and your thoughts could be organized a bit better. Some of your sentences are fragments.
Do you want to play football there or did you just throw in the stuff about the football team for no reason?
Think Hemingway, not Faulkner.
2006-08-29 12:57:44 · answer #2 · answered by WendyD1999 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Are you thinking that you should submit this to a university?
You have got to be kidding.
First. Aviation? In highschool? bull sh!t.
Second. Your spelling, and sentence sturcture and voice are completely wrong. You should be professional. There are so many errors that I don't believe that you have a 3.4 GPA. Also you state that you are a perfectionist, but your writting proves otherwise!
2006-08-29 12:59:28 · answer #3 · answered by hilarywow 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You MUST have this rewritten by a native speaker of English.
2006-08-29 12:53:23 · answer #4 · answered by Bethany 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you are great. That's all i can say.
2006-08-29 12:53:18 · answer #5 · answered by ninalatina_3 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋