How can you cope with the guilt of a miscarriage?

Question

I just recently had a miscarriage. About 3 weeks ago. And I feel guilty. Even though everyone, my doctor included, has told me that it's not my fault. I still feel as if I did something, ate something, etc. that brought this on. I'm 23 and this pregnancy meant the world to me because I had been told that I couldn't have children. And now, it's over and I don't know how to deal. Any suggestions or ideas would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Answer 1

I've also had a miscarriage, and went through similar feelings. Mostly, though, I was just so mad at God, I guess, because I wanted a child so much and I lost this one and other women were so upset with being pregnant that they would actually abort a baby... Well, I decided to be logical about it (as logical as I could at the time...). Chances of getting pregnant are very slim to begin with. Many women are pregnant and lose babies before they ever missed a day of their period. Women miscarry because something is so wrong with the baby that it could not survive. It is not you. Just put your energy into getting ready for the next time you will get pregnant - if you did once, you can again! Take prenatal vitamins, don't drink or smoke, and eat well. Do everything you can for your next try. I did - and 6 weeks after the miscarriage I was pregnant - with TWINS! I told my step-daughter that God gave me the baby back (I told her He had to take the miscarried baby back to Heaven until it felt better...) and gave me another to keep him company. Low and behold, I had boy/girl twins! Good luck! Be as positive as you can be.

Answer 2

Nothing but time is going to help you get over this. I can tell you that it was not your fault but you know that deep down dont you. There is no pain in the world greater than wanting a baby and then losing it. All I can do is tell you that I am sorry and to try again. Even when you get pregnant again it will be hard for you. You will worry all the time "what if it is going to happen again?" You will be guarded with your next pregnancy. You will actuallly be a fanatic about eating right, and avoiding all of the myths that are asociated with pregnancy but that is only going to hurt you more in the long runby causing more unneeded stress to you and your baby. There is a possibility that when your next baby is born you will wonder why this one lived and not the first one. But PLEASE try to remember that it is nothing you did. It just happens sometimes. There is no way to prevent it and no way to stop it when it starts. If you feel badly enough you might want to talk to your pastor or a friend or a relative. Someone who can comfort you. Remember though this to shall pass. The day will come where you dont think about it all day, then there will be a day where you only think about it a couple of times, then the day will come that you will only think abou it when you hear of some other poor unfortunate woman who is going through it and you can comfort her with your experience. Time does heal all pain. I hope that somehow I have helped you and I wish you good luck.

Answer 3

nothing can heal you except time. believe it or not, i actually wondered if that chili burger i ate the day before my miscarriage in July of 2005 cause the baby's heart to stop. i haven't had one of those since. and those were my favorite. again, i was told it wasn't my fault. and it probably wasn't. but that feeling is still there. Then i had another miscarriage last december. i still wonder what i did that may have caused it. now i am pregnant again. i even remained oblivious to it and didn't go see a doctor until i was 4.5 months just to be sure i stayed pregnant.

Unfortunately it is human nature it blame someone. and in this case there is no one except ourselves.

as you were told you couldn't have children, this makes the loss even worse. get a second opinion. most doctors won't give up hope so you shouldn't either. do some research. as you seem to be able to get pregnant, it's a start. start researching. go online and look for medications that may help substitute a hormone you may be missing. look into a possible weak cervix. blockage in fallopian tubes. there are so may other reasons. find them. and talk to you doctor about running tests fot them. instead of focusing on whart happened, focus on how to fix it.

many wishes to you and lots of luck!

Answer 4

You're still probably having hormone fluctuations which can contribute to you feeling blue. It's normal to feel guilty. The child was inside of your body and something went wrong. But, if fault must be placed, then, nature is to blame.

You must go through a grief process and a mourning period. Just because the child you were carrying did not make it to full term, does not mean you don't feel the loss. Do what you need to do to grieve. Talk to a professional grief counselor if you need to. And, cry as much as you need .

You were told by "experts" no doubt, that you would never get pregnant. Well, they were wrong, weren't they? Why couldn't it happen again? You are young and your future has lots of good things in store.

Answer 5

First things first, I'm so sorry to hear of your miscarriage and I hope that you do have the opportunity one day to have a child. If it is meant to be, then God will let it happen, please believe that. I never believe what these doctors say about not being able to have kids. I think unless you just don't have the reproductive organs in you, then it's always possible to have a child. Maybe you ought to talk to someone and just get all of your feelings out there in the open, someone that is unbiased to your situation. Of course your close family and friends are always good to talk to but it was a loss for them as well, them being your family. So it may be easier for you to talk to someone professionally or even your doctor. I wish you the best ... Take Care!

Answer 6

First off, I want to say I'm so very sorry for your loss. I too recently suffered from a miscarriage. I went through all the stages of grief. I'm still going through them. You did not do anything wrong! I blamed myself for a while. Then I looked up and blamed God. I asked him why he took my baby from me. What did I do to deserve this? Everyone is going to tell you something different. There are no "right" words to say to you. The best advice I can give you is don't listen to the people that tell you to "forget", "move on", "don't worry about it." The problem there is, you aren't going to forget, you aren't going to move on, and you are going to worry about it. Everyone grieves in their own way. If you want to cry, yell, scream. hit, curse DO it! Grieve how you want to and don't let anyone tell you that it is wrong. Losing a child is very painful. If you need to talk you can email me @ [e-mail]. There's also a website with support boards on it. It is great. The women on this site are very supportive and wonderful. All of them have been through a miscarriage or a stillbirth. The website is www.babyfit.com. They have a miscarriage board and a life after loss board. If it wasn't for the women on there, I don't know if I could've made it through my hard times. I have good days and I have bad ones. It does get better with time. Do grieve and let it out. It will make you feel better. It will never go away. You will always remember your "angel baby" I wish you the best of luck. If you need to talk please email me. ((((hugs)))) to you. You are in my thoughts

Answer 7

It's going to take time - just because you understand something logically doesn't mean you are ready to accept it emotionally. If you had lost another loved one 3 weeks ago would you still be grieving?

In your circumstance, I think you are bein too hard on yourself. Lots of women have miscarriages but most just don't talk about it. Of the mother's group I was part of for years at least 75% had suffered a miscarriage but no one knew that until one of our group lost a child.

Answer 8

Don't listen to those people who tell you it wasn't meant to be or you can have more children. They are just inconsiderate!

There is nothing you did to cause this. It just happens sometimes. I've had two miscarriages (one due to a car accident), and I had a baby die in my second trimester. There was nothing they could find that caused it.

Now, I have two wonderful, healthy children and another due in Dec.

Don't beat yourself up over something you have no control of. Just know that your baby is wearing angel wings right now!

I'm so sorry for your loss, and I wish you lots of blessings in the future.

Answer 9

First, of course it wasn't your fault.

The only thing you could do was love that baby with all your might and you still should. But you have to let it go. You have to let yourself grieve, feel all those feelings, blame it on whatever you want. You spend a certain period of time grieving. Then you put it down and walk away. You keep the angel of that little baby on your shoulder and walk tall and spend time enjoying all the gifts in your life. And you walk forward, knowing you don't need to look back to see something beautiful. It's all right in front of you.

We all have a choice. Either we get angry, depressed, hold a grudge, etc. or we accept the miracles. You have a choice. Do you sink into despair with your feelings of guilt, or do you celebrate that tiny little miracle?

Answer 10

Try not to beat yourself up too badly. I have been through 3 early miscarriages, the premature birth of my now 2 year-old son, and I just lost a baby girl at 21 weeks due to Incompetent Cervix. I know how easy it is to blame yourself, but miscarriages happen for a reason and it is not something that you did to cause it. Email me if you need to talk.