He is driving me too drink!?

Question

My husband and I have been together for seven years. We have not had a good marriage together. We do not agree on anything anymore and I can't have a simple conversation with him without him over talking me. Our relationship has been violent for the past two years and we have not even discussed putting our wedding bands back on. We have both been unfaithful in our marriage which has caused us both pain. I have gotten over it but he has not. We can't agree on raising the kids. We can't put our money together to pay bills. I am not on my inlaws favorites list. Frankly, I am tired of the @#$!. I want to fix my broken marriage but every time things are going well some things happen and the tension returns. Man, what should I do. I am afraid of leaving him because through all the !@#$%^& I still love him. I just want things to work. But, after two years we are at a stale mate. Please some one give an intelligent response. T.Y.

Answer 1

Sounds like it's time to end it and move on to happier times. If mama ain't happy, nobody's happy!

Answer 2

If you are drinking it is YOUR fault, nobody else's. You're obviously both done being married. Do you really want to fix things? I hope so, because once two people have kids their needs and wants are secondary, the kids come first.

You both need to get some serious conseling. You say you still love him. Sorry, but I doubt that. If so you never would have taken off the ring and even more so you NEVER, EVER would have been unfaithful. You cannot cheat on someone you love - it is simply not possible. I thnik you need him, you feel trapped, but it's unlikely you've loved him for some time if you ever really did.

Sorry if this seems harsh but in time, if you think about what I've said, you will admit I am right. But all is not lost. If you can get counseling and at least find some middle ground until your kids are grown and gone you might be able to snatch at least a tie from the jaws of the defeat you guys are headed for.

Good luck. Seek marital counseling. And if things stay violent between you, you probably need to get a divorce. I guess it's too late to tell you that you should try and do so but remain friends?

The problem with those who tell you to move on, or to find someone else, is that people like you tend to get into an even worse situation with a guy who is the same, but worse, as the one you left. Even if you get a divorce, you need counseling. And if you insist I'm wrong and you do love the guy then you MUST work this out.

Answer 3

Let it go and move on. Think of all of the pain and heartache the two of you have caused each other over the years. Do you honestly and truly think that all of that can be erased from either of your memories? I know the child rearing and bill paying is an issue and this is something that the two of you just need to sit down and figure out. You could tell him that you know the two of you don't belong together but the bills must be paid or the poor credit will harm both of you and the children must be taken care and loved by both of you and see if you can find some kind of happy medium. If not, involve lawyers and set up some clear guidelines.... as for working it out - I just don't see how it could work with all that has happened between the two of you.

Answer 4

You may have gone too far to ever fix the marriage. Sometimes the hurt and frustration are so deep that they cannot heal.

How does your husband feel about trying to fix things? Is he also in love with you? If you both are willing to try again, how about going to see a marriage counselor? Many insurance companies will pay a portion of the cost for counseling.

One thing a counselor can do is to teach you how to fight without it getting out of hand. If you can disagree on things and not verbally attack each other for the different views, you may be able to get through the tension you feel. Nothing will work unless both of you are willing to try as hard as possible to make it work.

Answer 5

Stale mate? Honey, you are kidding yourself here. This road of destruction the two of you have driven on has come to a dead end. It sounds as though one of you is waiting for the other to make the first move and file for divorce. I can't forsee any way possible to make this work and this staying together for the children nonesense that you are trying to do is ridiculous. Children would rather live in an environment that isn't so tense. For Pete's sake you can't even pay bills togethers. Everything is divided, the rings are off...I suggest one of you moves out before the gloves come off....again! This is over and if you weren't both so hard headed and set on being right, you step outside the box and see that!

I don't mean to be harsh, but you asked for an intelligent response. If you wanted me to tell you what you wanted to hear about sunshine and roses, I could do that, but I'm afraid I wouldn't be talking about your life. You need to hear this and you need to listen, even if it's not what you are willing to accept....it's reality, it sucks, but it can get better....as soon as you both quit destroying each other.

Answer 6

The thing you have to remember is that you must love yourself enough to give yourself what you need. There is no way that anyone else can truly make you happy. Letting go of the control issue is liberating. It is way too exausting. You sound very unhappy and remind me of where I have been. I divorced (almost final) my second husband who I was with for 11 years. It was hard there for a while because i felt that I had no choice since we had a daughter together and he is a lawyer. He is controlling and made me feel like I was worthless and that eveerything that I did was worthless. The emotional and verbal abuse was terrible and I am sad for that person that I was now. I began taking classes as my daughter got older and gained a little more confidence. I began to have a life outside the marriage which is so important for independence. you can't always fix things if they involve more than one person. You both have to be willing. He is not going to change if it hasn't happened already, believe me. It is up to you to try to salvage your life and move forward toward happiness. Love yourself enough to do that for yourself. It's sad when a marriage dies, but think of it as your personal rebirth. I hope this helps and if you want to talk more you can visit me on 360! :-)

Answer 7

Have you tried counseling, I know a lot of men won't try, but suggest it.
If he refuses I have a little trick for you to try.
Sit down with two pens and two pieces of paper, make two columns. One will be "things I love about you". The other will be " things you do that upset me"
Now, fill in as many reasons as you both can think of, for BOTH columns, when you both agree you have reached the end , switch papers. Quietly go over your spouses list, when you both have read the others list, go over each column from Love, to Upset. Back to Love (see where i'm going ??).
You read off his thing he loves about you, then discuss the thing that upsets him. Then let him take a turn. Keep repeating this till both lists are empty.
Hopefully you can get a lot settled Peacefully, but, if it becomes explosive, try another day!!!
Good luck.....

Answer 8

This is a complicated situation and it is hard to give an answer based on one paragraph of your life. I suspect you want to leave but for some reason need someone to tell you it's the right thing to do; to give you permission. You are the only person that can do that. If by "violent" you mean physical abuse then you must protect yourself. If there are children involved in an abusive situation then you also must protect them.

When I divorced my ex-husband I did so while still in love with him but I knew if i didn't leave we would destroy each other. It also was a physically/mentally abusive situation. I finally came to the conclusion that God wanted me to be happy. And the only way I could do that was to leave because I knew (finally) that I couldn't change him, that was his job and no matter how hard I wanted it or how hard I tried I couldn't make the difference, only he could....

Hope this helps, I could go and on and on... Just LOVE yourself and take care of yourself.

P.S. I drank plenty over it, lol

Answer 9

Soooooo....are you just venting or did you have a question?
If you still love him and he may possibly still love you then the both of you need to seek counseling even if it's through your pastor/church get some help to work out your problems. You guys are still together even with all that's going on so you both must want to work things out. Now the question is Which of you is going to make the first move? Good luck.

Answer 10

Well if either of you are drinking this could be one of the reasons for the problems. It sounds as if you both do not trust the other. I think that building back the trust would be the first step - this is going to be hard to do at first and will require give and take on both sides.

Answer 11

Both of you go to a counselor. But in reality sometimes calling it quits is the best thing to do. Just give it a lot of thought. Can you make it financially without him? Can you manage on your on?
If you answered both ?'s yes, why stay in misery.............