My alcoholic husband finally took the hint and left. He never calls. Does that mean he doesn't care?

Question

Married 6 years. Husband’s alcoholism progressively got worse, although he still retained his job as a school administrator. He loves the bars. I tried to keep up with him for a while, but couldn’t. He became verbally abusive, flirted with other women (I can’t prove adultery) and refused to get help. His mother and extended family try to talk to him sometimes, but don’t really force the issue. After all, he is the favorite son and cousin. He and I are both 54. I nagged, begged, made excuses, etc. I went and got him when he couldn’t find his car many a ‘next day’. He is the Cell Phone King and loves to wife bash. He has told lies about me, even sober. He lost his cell phone when he was out TWICE in bars and guess who he blamed? He finally left after I continually told him that if he wanted to live the single life, he needed to live it outside of our home. He has been gone a month, living in the same town. He has not tried to call or communicate. I don’t want the drama anymore, but I wonder if he truly doesn’t really care and I need to accept it. Is the fact that he doesn’t communicate a sign that he is ready to move on? I can’t ask him anything; he refused to talk about anything serious when he was home.

Answer 1

to be honest, he doesn't really care, and until he realizes the damage that he's doing, he won't care. Alcoholism is the most dangerous disease in the world today, because it doesn't affect the afflicted, but those around them. Alcohol is what he cares about, and he will do anything he has to to get it. The fact of the matter is, he has simply decided that his alcohol is more important to him than the other things in his life, like love and family, and has put alcohol at the top of his priority list. Until he, that is HE, decides to get clean and sober, nothing will change. I'm really sorry for the problems you're having with this, and I hope for your sake that he comes around.

Answer 2

You're asking the wrong question, but I'll answer it anyway. The fact he was an alcoholic suggests that if he cares, which is unlikely given what you say, he cared MORE about his addiction, which means he wasn't worth marrying in the first place. But I can tell from your question and everything else that you're apparently still stuck on the guy EVEN THOUGH YOU OPENLY ADMIT HE'S A TOTAL LOSER WHO APPARENTLY NEVER DID RIGHT BY YOU.

But here's the deal: You didn't check him out before you married him "for better or worse, in sickness and health". Well this is the sickness and the worse, and you married him so unless he's a real threat to you and has physically abused you I think you owe it to the marriage vow you made to try and get him into therapy. Once he's off the sauce you have to decide if you can go on.

I feel for you - my ex-wife started doing dangerous illegal drugs and had a mental breakdown because of it. Nevertheless I stayed with her even though she was physically, mentally and sexually abusive, until she became a serious threat to me & our sons. Then I finally cut her loose. The irony is that after 9 months when our divorce was approaching finality she did finally contact me (when her rich sugar daddy kicked her to the curb) crying and begging to come back. I asked her one question: "THIS TIME WILL IT BE FOREVER LIKE YOU PROMISED". She got real quiet, then said, "Gee, forever is a long time, I don't know about that". I told her I'd always love her, would miss her, and said goodbye and HAVEN'T LOOKED BACK SINCE.

The irony is that once she was gone I couldn't stop making money - and money was one of her issues as she had no self control and didn't realize you have to have money to make money. Now that she's gone I've been able to achieve the success she craved but kept us from ever attaining. I live in paradise - a place where people dream and work FOR YEARS to spend just a few days. I no longer have to work, my properties and investments give me all the income I will ever need.

So let my story give you hope there is a future out there, with or without him. You have to decide which is best for you, keeping in mind the promises you made and the obligations that come with them.

Answer 3

I am sure that your husband is busy working hard and is stressed as well. I still don't think it is any excuse to treat you like crap. I have a close friend whose husband is a medic in the Army and went on a 15 month tour, he never treated her like crap and considered it a privilege every moment he had to speak with her as she did with him. I know another gal whose husband recently enlisted and does not call her and is spending all of their money in Iraq. This behavior is bull and you should not have to take it. I wouldn't scream at him or do anything to cause more stress, but do take care of your own and try to become financially independent in some way. As long as you aren't "stepping out" , you have no reason to feel guilty. When a husband deploys it takes a toll on the entire family not just the soldier. He is a grown man not a victim.

Answer 4

I think he's really confused because of his drinking habit and is not ready to work this issue out with you. The fact that he took you up on your offer tells me he values his habits more than anything else right now. At any rate, don't put your life on hold wondering if he cares or not because you have no control over that. You have to realize that you can't help him with his problem. He has to want to do it for himself. Get a divorce and move on with your own life. Let him deal with his problems himself. You already tried helping him and it did no good. Until he realizes that he has a problem, nothing will change.

Answer 5

Honey, he's probably ashamed and embarrassed, not to mention in denial. Find some humor in it...keep telling yourself that he was just too drunk to remember the number. Then, file for divorce if you are truly done. If you aren't and are using this time to regroup and figure out a way to help him, I should tell you that guys like this, that do the whole bar scene and have been kicked out, will go home with whoever will take them in like some lost little puppy. If you are concerned, call his parents and ask if they'd heard from him or have seen him. I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 6

What part of divorce do you not understand. You better cut yourself free of this loser quickly. If he is drunk and causes an accident while you are married, you will be liable the same as he for paying the law suit. Call a lawyer, get the divorce as quickly as possible to protect yourself and your savings, etc. I hope he has an equal amount of money to you, dear, for if you are in a community property state, 50-50 split of everything, no matter what you brought to the table if there is no pre-nup. Good luck, but move immediately for divorce before you lose everything.

Answer 7

It sad to say but its not about you if he's an alcoholic. The alcohol has him in a vise like grip. Until he hits bottom and gets help, HIMSELF, you need to stay away. You also need to get yourself to an Alanon meeting to understand this and know that NOT your fault, there is nothing you can do, and he can love you more than anything in the world and because of his addiction, it doesn't matter. IT DOESN'T MATTER. Addiction, alcoholism, etc. is devastating, especially when you don't understand it, that's why you yourself need to go to an Alanon meeting. It's for family members and loved ones of people with addictions. Good luck. Again, don't take it personally. I tried for YEARS to love someone enough and hope that love would get us through his addiction. Love has nothing to do with it. It's a sickness. He is not well. And you need to remove yourself from the situation so he can hit bottom and get help.

Answer 8

Have his "walking papers" delivered to him at work. Booze is more important at this time. Without you to regulate him, he is bound to get into trouble. When something awful happens and it probably will, he is going to come back and try to behave for a while. If he does not come back, his family has assumed responsibility for him. Perhaps during that time he may straighten out but don't count on it being a permanent change until quite some time goes by.
It took me ten years to figure it out after being separated and divorced. It really depends on how much he can trouble he can bear.

Answer 9

He "took the hint and left"? You mean the boot never met with his a**? "Doesn't care"? No. You said he's alcoholic and verbally abusive. Discount EVERYTHING an active alcoholic abuser says. Alcohol doesn't think, feel or care. Abusers are self-gratifying. You should know better than to seek validation from a sick person.

Answer 10

ok im 35 and my dad was EXACTLY the same way. and guess what? he died at the age of 46 from drinking,,,,and let me tell you he suffered bad to the end and drank up til the very day he ended up in the hospital. my sis mom and myself got mentally abused alll the time, but honey when you are an alcohoilc noone matters to you ,,not even yor loved ones. they have thier own issues and the only way to deal with em is to drink them away. im sorry to say but the best thing he could have done for you is leave!!! i dont think he really knows how to care. just go on with your life and be thankful he didnt drag you down with him!!!