My fiancee constantly tabulates who does what..Is there something wrong with this!?

Question

He feels that since he pays $1000 more in bills even though he makes double than what i make then i should be doing all of the housework. I am 6 mos pregnant. He works 7am-1pm while I work 8am-6pm, and I already have a 5 yr old. He tells me that I'm not doing anything to make his life easier and he's making my life easier by paying more.

When we met I had my own place and basically moved in with me because he still lived with his parents. When we bought our house, I forewarned him telling him the most that I would be able to contribute, and he agreed.

Now there's all these rules, and complaints from him.

Every week he starts an argument because i'm not doing enough or treating him the right way.

What do I do?

Answer 1

Well it sounds like your partner feels like its your obligation to maintain a healthy, happy relationship. My guess, he waited to long before leaving his mother and fathers abode, only to be thrown into a relationship ( with children ) and he hasn't finished growing up himself.
Any relationship is a rugged test in self-reliance for both partners. When problems arise, and they will, it takes a mature pair to face them together. It's always easier to blame the other when situations arise in a relationship, but if a couple is equipped with a strong bond of togetherness they are better able to deal with issues that come up.
But in your situation it appears that your partner is blatently laying all the blame for the troubles in your relationship at your feet. It appears that he'd rather blame you for your poor performance in the relationship than to evaluate his own contribution and become a much more productive partner. If your partner wants a stronger relationship he'd better stop leaning on you, and if he denies leaning on you, he'd better stop complaining of being the under-dog in the relationship. How can he be the " under-dog " if he is not totally relying and depending on you?
The fact is, no relationship can be greater than the contribution of both partners! But another fact is, considering that your partner was living at home with mom and dad just prior to moving in with you and starting a relationship tells me that this fellow was not ready to leave home in the first place. He depended on his parents before and now he expects you to take over that role, and the minute that it's not as he would have it, he blames you for doing it to him! Your partner, sweetie sounds like a real winner!
This may sound shocking, but a relationship isn't supposed to be happy, it isn't supposed to do anything for anybody, its the people that do something for the relationship, by giving, sharing, working, growing, and serving. A relationship is not for the childish and irresponsible or for those that are looking for someone to mother them or to make them happy.
Also you mention you bought a house, I'd like to point out that living in a common-law relationship that you forfeit rights and obligations that come with marriage, therefore, will not be within the jurisdiction of the various Acts that apply to marreid people. That includes marital property act, unless you can establish evidence of an equitable trust having being created before the court would make any order dividing the property.
I added the last, because, honey it sounds like your relationship will not stand the test of time and I seriously believe that you should consider where this relationship will take you. God Bless.

Answer 2

This sounds like the age old problem that all couples deal with. Who works harder, who does more, and who does what around the house. One of the best pieces of advice came to me after my son was born. My cousin told me that no matter what, women usually do more of the "at home" work (childcare, cleaning, bills) than men, and I should just accept that as part of life and move on. But this exact tabulation of money and time is a bit excessive. Have you told him that most men make more money than women for the same work? That if you counted up all the hours you spend working at your job and at home, and then you made the same wage as him, he would owe you money? If two people truly love and respect each other, they do not keep tabs on who does what, etc. You work together to be good people and good parents, and it all balances out in the end. Marriage is not about making life easier, it is about making life richer and fuller. He sounds like he wants all the benefits of a relationship with none of the responsibilities or work. But don't worry, this is the same for many men. Especially if they have not had a good father role model. I hope things work out well for you.

Answer 3

Well I'll try and remember there's two sides to every story before I get too down on him BUT it sounds like he's got things all wrong (as far as I'm concerned). It's not about who brings what amount of money to the table. It's about the effort put into things. For instance if you're working 50 hours a week and he's working 25 a week and they both take about the same mental and/or physical toll on your body, he should be doing more house work. Not all ofcourse, but more. If you were both working about the same amount of hours I'd say you two should try and find a system that works for the both of you where in the long run, you both split the chores down the middle. It soundslike you've got a bad situation on your hands to be honest. From the way you describe it he seems very negative and just plain wrong about certain things. I hope over time you can sit him down and get him to be a little more sympathetic. A relationship needs two people doing their parts to make things work. Reguardless of who brings what $ to the table. Good luck to you.

Answer 4

For starters, anyone who supposedly is your fiance', and supposedly loves you, yet measures your worth by how much money you make isn't much of a fiance' in my opinion.

It sounds to me like this guy is a self-absorbed jerk who spent too much time with Mommy and Daddy, where everything has always pretty much been about him, and now he expects life with you to be the same way. You are supposed to be his new Mommy, his maid, and you are supposed to raise tthe kids because he has no ability to...he's basically acting like a child himself.

My knee-jerk answer is to dump him and find someone who's not such an ******...but I realize it's not that simple.

You need to sit down and have a serious talk...and you need to impress upon him that who pays the bills is only a small part of a relationship, or a marriage. If he can't understand that and is still behaving like a total jerk then I'd strongly consider looking for someone else, before you enter into married life with this guy...

Good Luck

Answer 5

i think you should talk to him about it. Tell him that you guys had agreed on how much you could pay and that if thats not enough maybe you arent enough for him. And being pregnant and working can really tire you out and you can't do that much work while you are pregnant and thats understandable. if he doesnt understand that then just don't talk to him when he brings that topic up. Just avoid an arguement even if it means listening to his crap. If it gets too hard then maybe he's not the right guy and then you need to take a stand and tell him if his attitude and the way he treats you then you might have to change your relationship with him cause its not gonna work. If it hurts you to argue with him and he can complain about things like that, then he's not giving giving you the love you need. good luck =( dont take **** from him,..you deserve that.

Answer 6

Tell him you are not a maid. Moreover, income should not determine how the chores divided. It sounds like he wants a mother more than a wife.

Caculate the cost of all the housework you do for him and then submit a bill at the end of the month for services rendered. It will be more than $1000, to be sure.

Answer 7

A GOOD marriage isn't a 50/50 proposition, it's 100/100. It only works when you are both "all in." He needs to do as much as he can and show he's grateful to have you, and you need to do as much as you can and let him know you are grateful to have him. Any less from either of you can lead to bigger problems than what you are describing.

He makes more money, is that something he should hold over your head (guilt) or something that he invests in your marriage and your home (presents to show he loves you, sweat equity, retirement accounts and future college expenses) to make things really better?

You are pregnant, is that something you blame him for or you're both happy about- and are you going to teach your 5 yo and your unborn child how to love their mates, or to fight?

For help with the housework I recommend you both visit Flylady.net, it's GOOD. For help with your marriage communication issues, I recommend 2 books- Love Talk (Parrott/Parrott), and 5 Love Languages (Chapman). Ask him what he wants you to do (nicely, not exasperated) next time he starts berating you? A gentle answer douses the fire of anger.

Answer 8

He's your fiancee? Meaning you anticipate marrying this weirdo? How can he expect you to contribute more if you make less.

You're in a financial arrangement, not a relationship. He's using you, badly!

Honey, this relationship should not be where it is! You need a lot more help than you're going to find here!

Please, please, seek out professional advise. You don't want to get locked into a situation with a control freak!

Answer 9

Bad decisions all the way around. I wouldn't marry him and stop having sex with him until you get married. You shouldn't have bought a house with your boyfriend or fiance and I wouldtell him that he needs to make some decisions about whether he wants to be with you or not.

Answer 10

You need to have a serious talk with him. Let him know that you are fully aware of what you can and cant do. And to quit throwing it in your face. If this is the type of man he is then I would think very seriously about leaving him!