My friend lost a baby during birth this Sunday?

Question

My friend was 8.5 months pregnant when she went into labor this past Sunday. When she arrived to the hospital, they could not find baby's heartbeat anymore. The cord wrapped around his neck and he died before she even got to the hospital.
Then it took another 8 hours of labor for her to deliver a baby that she new was not alive any longer.

It breaks my heart, I want to help her, she does not want to talk to anyone or see anybody.

What can I do to help her?

Answer 1

This is a question I can easily answer as I too have delivered a stillborn baby.

Your friend is in shock and may be in shock for some time.There are few things as devastating in life as carrying a child,bonding with that child and preparing your life for the childs arrival only to leave the hospital empty handed.

Since this has just happened it may be some time before your friend is able to open up about her feelings with anyone, perhaps her own husband even.
She is still trying to comprehend whats happened and figure out whats next. Shes just spent 9 months rearranging her life for a baby she loved dearly, you cant just undo all the planning and all the love and just "carry on".

As her friend ,my advice to you is to let her know that you are there and you are aware and ready to listen any time she needs you. Don't talk about whats happened until she cues in that shes up to it (let her make the first move) but don't act like it didn't happen either.

Avoid cliche remarks about how evreything happens for a reason or how it was Gods plan, Trust me she couldn't care less right now and those remarks may make her feel as though your trivializing her loss.

People also tend to forget the father..He is mourning the loss of his child also..Show your support and let him know your there if he needs a shoulder.

My heart goes out to your friend , As a fellow Mother who has also had to say goodbye to soon.

Answer 2

Be there, no matter how long it takes for her to open up. I lost a baby at 20 wks., and all my friends felt uncomfortable and did not know how to handle the situation, and when I finally dragged myself back from the pain they were all gone. There is a book that she can read, and no, books are not the answer, but it will help her with the feelings that right now she feels like she is the ONLY one feeling the pain, I forgot the author's names. It is by a couple that lost several babies, they really share their experience and it let me know that I was not going crazy about certain things and I was not alone in the pain. The name of the book is Empty Arms. That, and just being there, and letting her be mad, sad, and all the emotions that she will feel, is all you can do. Don't just act normal, like it never happened, and don't dwell on it. Those are the 2 worse things to do right now.

Answer 3

Leave her alone. I can't even begin to imagine how she's feeling. I've (thank GOD) never had this happen, but I'm trying to imagine when I've had other dearly loved family members die. Really, it's a huge pain in the butt. You sort of have to at the funeral, but standing there with everyone coming up to offer their condolences is the worst--I just wanted to go home, crawl in bed, and stay there for a while--not listen to everyone tell me how sorry they were for the death of my great grandmother, etc. I know people mean well, but I'm sure your friend just wants some time to sit back and sort things out. Does she have a husband or boyfriend or someone with her incase she tries anything "funny" (e.g. suicide)? If so, I'd let her alone for about a week, then call and ask her gently if there's anything you can do for her (cooking a meal and bringing it over, helping with housework, etc.)

Answer 4

STAY AWAY but be there, I know it sounds stupid, but listen. My girlfriend was 9 months pregnant and got into a car accident that I watched happen with my own eyes, and she too had to deliver a stillborn. THERE IS NOTHING WORSE, it completley crushes you male (if you care) and female. I have not ever ever felt so low in my life, and you wonder why your friend doesnt want to talk. Take it easy this just changed her whole life and you dont even realize it yet. Every morning when she wakes up there is going to be that what if and the thoughts, everything. Theres nothing you can do but try and comfort accomodatingly, theres nothing you can say to make it better, nothing brings back life. There is no YAHOO answer to this, just advice, and my advice is do what your doing now be a friend.

Answer 5

1. Pray for her.
2. Send her a card in the mail.
3. Call her and tell her you're going to bring her a meal so she doesn't have to cook. Or offer to clean her house, or take her out to lunch. If you say "Call me if there's anything I can do" that is nice, but losing a baby makes it hard just to get out of bed, much less figure out what you might need, pick up the phone and call someone.
4. If they have a funeral or memorial for friends/family, GO.

5. DO NOT say anything beginning with the words "at least" and for God's sake don't say anything about Him "needing another angel"
He can make all the angels He wants, He doesn't take our babies from us in order to turn them into angels. However, babies DO go to heaven, so mentioning how he will never suffer on this earth but is in heaven is fine.

6. If she doesn't want to talk, don't press her, but if she does want to talk later on, listen.

7. Don't avoid her, or shut her out for fear of making her sad. Being isolated is horrible.

8. If you are inspired to make her a gift with the baby's name on it, that's fine. The baby was a loved part of their family, that doesn't change because the baby died.

9. REMEMBER her baby. It seems like everyone forgets after a few months. A mother's heart never forgets. A card that says you are thinking of her on the baby's birthday is a kind gesture.

Answer 6

That is tragic. Everyone deals differently with their grief. If she wants to be left alone then you should honor that. Send your condolences to her with a card and let her have some space until she has processed it further. I lost a baby during pregnancy once but it was the early part about 4 months. Some people are stronger than others in dealing with death of a child. To me, I have faith that God takes the little ones to heaven so they are in a better place. Hopefully this person can find solace in her faith in God.

Answer 7

Obviously, don't talk to her if she doesn't want to talk. Perhaps you could send her a note telling her that you're thinking of her and her baby (and use the baby's name- that baby is a real person to her, and it will be hard for her that he wasn't to many others). If you are close with her, calling a close relative (husband or parent) to ask how she's doing wouldn't be overly intrusive.

Later on, being willing to talk about the baby, or look at pictures of him might be helpful. Also, in the months and years to come, don't *ever* expect her to be "over" this. One never "gets over" the death of a child. One just slowly learns to somehow keep living.

I've included a couple links that might be helpful.

Answer 8

First of all, my sympathies to your friend. Nothing is more dificult than loosing a child especially still briths. Pray for your friend. The power of prayer can do wonders. Second of all keep in touch daily if possible to make sure things like depression aren't taking too much of a toll. Obviously depression will be present, but make sure it doesn't turn severe or suicidal. Send her a card in the mail or tell her in person that if she needs someone to just sit with her while she cries or someone to listen to her about her feelings that you would be more than willing. Most of all be available to her when you can and never stop loving her. God bless you for you concern and your faithfulness as a friend.

Answer 9

Although she has no baby she still has to recover from birth, as well as the enormous grief.

If you can drop off prepared meals, or organize a meal train, at least she will not have to cook and will have lots of healthy food to eat. You can just knock on the door, leave the stuff and go.

Answer 10

it breaks my heart too, i can not imagine what she is going through, when i was pregnant i was paranoid about losing my baby and she had the cord wrapped around her neck 3 times also, i had to have an emergency c-section. but i think u need to give her some space and time at the beginning