What would you feel ?

Question

You are married with some problems. You have 3 children with your spouse. Two of which are biologically not yours. You love them all the same. At one point your spouse sleeps with the ex. You forgive your spouse and try and move on and honor your Vows. Six months later the person whom your spouse slept with is in the hospital going through a routine operation that suddenly turns serious. Life and death serious. Now your spouse is naturally worried. The children might or might not lose a parent. But now your spouse is at the hospital for the last three days. twelve hours a day. Your spouse tells you that they feel compelled to be there. That to please be understanding. But you have very little inside you to do so. Your still trying to build up your trust for this person. Your spouse. Is it wrong to be angry at this? Considering this is the same person your spouse slept with six months before. Is it wrong to feel nothing for this person whose life is hanging in the balance.

Answer 1

I find it ironic that most of the other people who read this assumed you are a female, and the person in the hospital is a female, and the person who cheated on you is male. In your final comments, could you please clarify this. When I read it, I figured you were male.

At any rate, that doesn't really have any bearing on the issue. If the person is dying, that's a huge deal. Even my worst enemy, I would want to have comfort while they were dying. But are they really getting that from your spouse? Isn't there somewhere better for them to get that? Their own loved ones?

That much being said, the children of this ill person deserve to have some idea of what is happening with their parent(s). I can only imagine the feeling of being illigitimate, and then having your adoptive parent say they could care less if your natural parent dies. What does that say regarding the feelings for the child?

None of this is to take away from the fact that you have been wronged. YOU deserve to have this made up to you. You deserve to have your feelings taken seriously. You just can't slight other people in the process.

There are a few good ways for this to go, in my opinion. (Maybe good is too strong a word, but there it is.) Your spouse could renew his/her commitment to you, and leave the other person to his/her family. Or your spouse could see their ex off to the next world, and then do something fantastic for you. (Like, trip to the moon fantastic) to show his/her commitment is unchanged. Or you could visit the hospital together one time so your spouse and the children can say goodbye. Anything other than that I would see as unfair to you or to them or to everyone.

Answer 2

that is so hard! so hard. I'm a vengeful person and may not care about the b-----, but you also have to keep in mind, that your children have had this woman in their lives and death is hard to understand and accept at any age, let alone as a child. it might help them to know that at least they tried to see her as much as possible before something worse happened. you are being forced to trust your spouse, which can not be expected to just happen because she is hurt ( so are you on a different level!) but tell your spouse that he needs to invite you to go with him ( even if you want to say no) or bring a child every time. he can not be alone with her, that is fair no matter what reaction he has, because if he refuses there is a whole other problem. good luck

Answer 3

Hmmmm... After carefully considering this... I think you are right to feel some apprehension... but this is the mother of his children. They had an affair that you forgave him for.... IF you were ever going to have trust issues with this...then you should have LEFT him when you found out about the affair. NOW all you can do is be understanding. Twelve hours a day is a little much... I dont think even some peoples husbands or wives stay that long, so Id be a little worried about this too... Tell him You dont want him to stay all day. Tell him you want to go with him, and then GO. Dont back out, even if you hate her, despise her... Do it so that you know nothing is going on.

Answer 4

It isn't that you don't care about her, what is happening is that the situation is strange that your husband needs to be there, especially after spending the night 6 months ago .

I would be angry too. I am wondering how old the kids are.
You might need to step back and give him a bit of tme because right now you will come across as uncareing. You are feeling big time betrayed and eventually your husband needs to be accountable for that. Right now isn't the time to confront him.

I assume you have told him that it makes you uncomfortable. Ask him to not be there so many hours. Maybe if you go with him, he won't spend so much time there.

Does he go there with the children? Is there somone else who can be there for the children.

Your personal space has been invaded and you feel like you don't matter. I have a feeling your husband doesn't realize how painful this is for you. You probably feel like you are living in her shadow. I had a guy like that........It was like he couldn't move or change what he did so he could be down the hill and around the corner for her. He insisted he wasn't. But it was so clear that it was one of the things that broke us up.

You have two choices......work on your relationship with him and learn to let some of this roll off your back, Get some counseling so that you and your husband can agree on what is and what isn't appropiate behavior. Put your agreements in writting, then you don't have to argue, you just go to the list and say.....see we agreed to thi

If you whine and ***** at your man things will never get better. Sit him down and tell him....."i will tell you this once....then go into how you have felt about things. Then tell him that you just want him to listen, then if he chooses to make things better you will be around. And if he chooses to not work on things that you will have to move on. Please don't argue or be definsive it will just make a big mess.and he will push you away. So tell him to sit and listen to what you have to say and that by listening it doesn't mean that he agrees with you, it just means that he listened.
Do it without tears or threats or bitching. You might have to write down what to say so you are clear.

Only you know if the relationsihp is worth working on or not.
I wish you the best.

Answer 5

I'm sure it would piss me off as well. But.....she could die. You said it was life and death serious. I can understand him wanting to be at the hospital, but 12 hours a day is a bit much. Yes, I feel it is wrong not to feel something for her. Think of it this way. What if it were you in her place. Think of what your kids would be going through with you in the hospital. I don't know the whole situation, but maybe she has no one else. I don't know, I just feel a little compassion should be felt here. I know others wouldn't agree with me, but if she were to die, you would feel really bad about the way you handled things, I would think.

Answer 6

It is not wrong for your spouse to visit the hospital; after all she is the mother of two of his children and he does have some level of caring. But really, her family should be holding the vigil. Now, if she has no family, that's a different story. Try to be understanding; if you were in her place wouldn't you want a little compassion?

Answer 7

I think if I where you i would divorced her after all she went back to her ex and slept with him. She knew what she was doing. Not many man I know would take someone like that back, you must be a very patience man there. I personally think it wrong for her to be running and playing nurse maid to here ex and not consider your feeling she at least owe that to you. I can understand he the father of her two children but she comes across to me as very selfish. To have a man forgive her once only to run again playing nurse maid to her ex is pushing it to far. I be honest as a female here and if I where in this situation I leave no way would I stay cheat once who say she never do it again. I put pack my bag quietly and leave she has still feeling for her ex look at the evidences.

Answer 8

Your spouse is doing something because he/ she feels compassion for someone he/she was once married to. I assume the two childern are hers/his biologically.
You are a person of character to allow him/her the space he/she needs to do something he/she understandably feels "compelled" to do.
I do not think that you are selfish or irrational to feel a bit overwhelmed by the turn of events but I think that you might want to tell your partner that with all the time he/she is spending at the hospital, that time is taken away from the children.
This puts the spotlight on the kids and not on your insecurity.

Answer 9

It would bother me to be in your situation, but considering you say this person may die, I would have to say it is in your best interest to take a step back and let your spouse have this closure. If this person were to die, your spouse may blame you for not letting them have closure. I try to remember this saying, that you cannot make someone love you, and you cannot control other people, but you always have your choices. You are not obligated to have feelings for this other person either, but fighting your spouse on this will drive them away from you if they are determined to go. Time will most certainly tell you how people truly feel for you and you will then have your choice to stay or go. I hope it works out well for you. TAke care.

Answer 10

In the interest of the ailing ex wife, ask him to visit her everyday but not for so long and go with him. Tell him you are opening your heart to the horrible situation that the ex is in, but that this is a gesture of your love for him and your stepchildren. Then when the crisis has passed, tell the ex and your husband that your kindness has limits and that was as far as you will ever go. If you don't get a promise by both to go their separate ways, they will always be banging each other on the sly.